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Facilitation and Conflict Coaching |
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Does "MEDIATION" sound too formal? We also provide Facilitation and Conflict Coaching.
Families may be reluctant to gather for a mediation session, even when it appears to be a worthy option for resolving their differences around eldercare issues. It may have to do with the family dynamics or assumptions family members make about each other, we're not completely sure.
Perhaps just the idea of convening with a mediator motivates family members to try to work out their differences themselves feeling they do not need outside help. Other times, the suggestion of mediation may plant the parties even more fervently into their positions, hiring attorneys and steadfastly fighting for what they believe is right.
Is there a right time for elder mediation? We believe that it is wise to resolve differences before everyone becomes too entrenched and before the attorneys have billed multiple hours. Yet, many families may not feel psychologically ready to plan, prepare, discuss, ponder, resolve, or otherwise "deal" with the state of affairs unless a crisis is brewing.
So, we offer families a less formal option - we can facilitate a family conversation. Less formal and structured than mediation, a facilitated conversation offers an opportunity for family members to discuss and explore options, before the crisis has brewed, allowing families to make decisions together and including input from everyone.
Especially useful for families that work well together under normal circumstances, facilitation can provide a beneficial process for families when change has occurred (illness or death) and family members just aren't sure how to move forward.
When families are faced with conflict or difficult changes, it may be hard to get everyone to agree to join a facilitated conversation. In these circumstances, one person may be openly interested in resolving disputes, while others are reluctant. Conflict coaching is an option to provide the party interested in moving forward, with guidance about how to better navigate the waters of family conflict. An individual working with a conflict coach can gain insights into their own interests and also gain some skills to approach other family members effectively. |
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Seeking a Speaker?
We are available to partner with your organization to provide presentations for adult children and their families (clients, prospective clients, other groups.)
We focus on the tough conversations that families often need to move forward. We can also provide a panel presentation to help families learn how to plan financial, legal and end-of-life for themselves and for family members.
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Easing the Tough Conversations
NOVEMBER, 2009 |
Greetings!
Welcome! Our feature article (on the left) speaks to the concern that the term "mediation" can be very scary and foreboding to families that could truly use an impartial third party to resolve their "squabbles." We are now offering facilitated family conversations, as a more "positive" option, especially for those situations that have not yet become TOO complicated. Please enjoy our article about choosing the right professional (at the right time!)
We are excited to offer training opportunities for senior service organizations. We would love to provide conflict management classes for your entire staff - from caregiver to Executive Director!
Finally, we would appreciate if you could complete our Feedback Survey so we can learn how to better serve your needs.
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November 3, 2009
'Mom Always Liked You Best'
by Paula Span
The notion that parents cherish all their children equally - or at least say they do - is so entrenched in our culture that colleagues warned Karl Pillemer, a gerontologist at Cornell University embarking on the first of many studies of family favoritism, that his research would prove futile. No mother, they insisted, would admit to caring more for one son or daughter than another.
So much for that. His team's interviewers, talking to mothers ages 65 to 75 in the Boston area about their adult offspring, found that most were perfectly willing to name favorites. "Most mothers have very distinct preferences," Dr. Pillemer said. "There's one to whom they feel most emotionally close, one with whom they have the most conflict. Parental favoritism is a fundamental part of the family landscape throughout life."
 Do you think parents can have honest discussions with their children about their decisions for power of attorney designation?
We believe that most families can. Having these conversations early and honestly can avoid conflict in the future. ELDEResolutions can facilitate these conversations, especially when they are difficult to initiate. |
Good Read
When the Time Comes: Families with Aging Parents Share Their Struggles and Solutions
by Paula Span
by Springboard Press
Hardcover 
List Price: $23.99
Our Price: $10.38 Buy Now
Paula Span is a freelance writer; she contributes regularly to the New Old Age blog of the New York Times (see previous article above), and trains the next generation of journalists at the Columbia University Graduate School of Journalism, where she was the 2009 Distinguished Teacher of the Year. |
Conflict Management Training for Organizations Providing Services to Seniors
We are delighted to share that we have created a menu of training opportunities appropriate for all staff levels, from caregiver to administrator. We can provide on-site training and will design a training program for your needs.
Sample training classes include:
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Recognizing Conflictual Situations
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How to Listen "Actively"
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How to Engage in Interest-based Discussions
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Anatomy of Conflict
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Conflict Management Styles
We would be happy to craft a learning opportunity to meet the needs of your staff.
Conflict is inevitable. And, with an aging population and their families, conflict can make your jobs more difficult.
Our goal is to train you and your staff to be better conflict resolvers. Please give us a call at 303/268-2280.
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Eldercare crisis:
Who's the right professional to call?
 The phone rings. Mom has taken a fall in her home and has been rushed to the emergency room. You rush to the hospital. As the only local child, you are responsible... You find out that she has suffered a severe stroke - she is paralyzed on her right side and has lost the ability to communicate verbally. She looks so frail!
The hospital social worker tells you it is time to think about how Mom will be cared for, because discharge from the hospital is imminent...
Scenario 1 - you freak out.
You have no idea where to turn and how to make decisions. Mom clearly cannot live on her own anymore. As her power-of attorney for health decisions, you never realized you would actually have to act. Your two brothers are concerned, but they live out of town. They have made it clear that they are OK with you handling the details. They may come out to visit in the next month or two to be with Mom, but they really haven't offered to help out with decision-making or caregiving, either.
SUGGESTION: A geriatric care manager can help you determine the right alternatives for Mom and also work with you to make sure that all the "pieces" are in place, for now and the future.
Scenario 2 - everyone is informed and supportive They both offer support, letting you know that they trust your decisions. They both ask if there is anything they can do from afar and offer to come out in the next few weeks to relieve you. You sit back in your chair and exert a huge sigh of relief. Maybe this won't be so hard after all. SUGGESTION: Be thankful!
Scenario 2 with a twist - family members have different ideas
One of your brothers says that Mom should not go to one of those places that warehouse people. He warns you to do the right thing, but he doesn't exactly explain what that means. And, you don't know how to ask him what his "warning" means. The other brother says maybe it is time for Mom to move out to the East coast, since he is retired and has time to oversee her care. You don't know how to satisfy everyone, while also being true to your own thoughts. SUGGESTION: This scenario calls for a facilitated family meeting. Although it would be beneficial for all the parties to be in the same room, it is possible to have this conversation via a teleconference. A trained dispute resolution professional will talk with each sibling individually and then help the three siblings to talk together to find resolve to the situation. A professional with an elder background can provide an advantage by understanding the available options as well as family dynamics concerns. It is important to understand the interests behind each person's positions.
Scenario 3 - you realize that Mom hasn't designated a power of attorney and all siblings would like to have control.
She was stubborn, and didn't want to choose one child over another. Now, she isn't able to communicate any of her own desires herself. Nobody knows if she will get better. Your two out-of-town brothers are making noises about wanting to be the decision-maker and they are both coming into town in a few days. The three siblings have been somewhat estranged from each other for quite a while - cordial, but nothing more. Someone has to step in; the hospital indicates that Mom will need to be discharged soon. You would like to have the decision-making power yourself, since you've lived closest to her in recent years and believe that you understand her wishes the best. SUGGESTION: The mediation process may be appropriate for this family. Without a power of attorney, someone will need to petition for guardianship. Without agreement between the three siblings, there could be a very heated contest for this role, and attorney fees could add up quickly. That could be expensive and emotionally difficult. Sitting down together to determine the best steps, as a group, could provide an answer to the current concern and open the door for better relations between the siblings in the future. Each sibling may believe that they are the best candidate for decision-maker, but we don't really know what makes them believe that. And, it is doubtful that they can really have that conversation effectively without an impartial party to facilitate. Mediation could provide the appropriate "issue resolving" so that attorneys can handle the legal activities, without quarrels.
Scenario 3 with a twist - both brothers are unwilling to sit down with a mediator.
SUGGESTION: You can engage a conflict coach to help you handle the situation. A conflict coach will help you understand your own needs and will provide tips as to how you can approach your siblings in an effective manner. By working with a conflict coach, you may be able to uncover the true interests of the other parties, and devise solutions that can work for everyone. | |
Please feel to contact us if you believe we may be of service to facilitate any elder-related conflict you are aware of and/or to train your staff in conflict management skills. And, remember that it is always better to work towards resolve early in the process. Thank you!Very truly,
Debbie and John
303/268-2280 
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