Gathering the Honey -- Droplet #6

Looking for Addiction's Silver Bullet

I receive emails every now and then from dear souls who want me to help them fix their addict. "It hurts so much," they write, "How can I make my addict stop?" I reply that while I understand on a very deep, cellular level how painful it is, as a recovery coach I know there is absolutely nothing they can do to make their addict stop. Others want to hire me to "fix" their addict and I refuse; addicts need to hire their own coach for their own reasons. No one can do it for them.

The truth is this: As people who love an addict, all we can do is get on with living our own best life. If you want to help your addict be well, you might as well lead the way.

That's never what anyone wants to hear, unfortunately, and most dive right back into the fray, searching the internet in the dark, wee hours of the night for that magic cure. I used to do the same thing -- ever hopeful and extremely confident that I was smart enough, powerful enough to solve the problem for my addict. I felt that if I stopped searching for a solution, the world would stop spinning. Fixing my beloved became my purpose and my passion, eventually eclipsing most of the other reasons I had for being on the planet.

Do you feel that way? If so, it is important to know that you are not alone. It's also critical that you become aware of why you are so attached to this crusade. For me, it was simple and selfish: I only felt good if my addict was good, so I needed to make him well as much as I needed that next breath. As his addictive behaviors escalated, I became more desperate to find solutions until, eventually, there was very little left of the person I used to be. While this is a common reason, it's not the only one. Gently ask yourself about your level of involvement in your addict's recovery process. How involved are you? Why do you take it on? Is it healthy for you? For your family? For your addict? Is it working?

This is not a comfortable topic, I know. You may not be ready to give up the fight and that's okay. Just be aware that a shift in your focus does not mean you are giving up on your loved one, it only means you are getting back to being You. Begin with an intention to start focusing on things that are for your highest good. Draw a pie chart that shows how much time you spend worrying about your addict. Do you like what you see? Can you lift your eyes for a little longer each day to create something for yourself? What would it be like to feel true peace and joy again?

Ironically, it is only when we have learned to help ourselves, to be our truest selves, that we can be helpful to others. That's because we can only provide healthy support when we have found our peace inside. And allowing addicts to walk their path, with all of its potholes and detours, frees them to learn their lessons their way ... and that's the only way anyone has ever learned anything.

Stand tall today,

Sharon

Gathering the Honey is a periodic newsletter resource offered by Raising Grace Coaching to increase awareness and inspire new responses to addiction. People Who Love an Addict can learn valuable spiritual lessons from the adversity of addiction and go on to create lives of joy, purpose, and peace.