Communicate Smarter, Not Harder
My clients who love an addict or an alcoholic often get very frustrated by their inability to have a complete and mature conversation with their loved one. There seems to be a short circuit that takes what they hoped would be a logical conversation and shunts it right into the ground. Once that happens, the conversation loops and swirls in ways that don't make any sense. Things quickly spin out of control, leaving lots of messy drama and trauma. "I can't figure out what went wrong!" they say to me in frustration. They start to feel crazy in an upside-down world.
Why is this such a common phenomenon? The truth about addicts is that they stop maturing emotionally when they start drinking or using. Finding ways to escape discomfort became their strategy rather than going through the normal stages of emotional growth. So, if your alcoholic started drinking at ten years old, you are dealing with a ten-year-old. If your addict started numbing out at 14, you have a 14-year-old on your hands.
Unfortunately, until your addict finds true recovery, he or she won't develop any more emotional maturity. First hand experience helps me to understand how difficult it is to stand before someone who has an adult body, a grown-up voice, perhaps even a large paycheck, and make the mental shift necessary to communicate with them at their actual emotional level. Here are three strategies that can help you.
1) Set your expectations accordingly.Don't set yourself up for disappointment as this can trigger a hurt and angry response in you. How would you approach the discussion if you were dealing with a 12-year-old? Would you approach it at all? Would you expect a teenager to be able to measure up to adult standards? Would you expect an adolescent to understand your point? Or would you, as the more mature person, find more creative ways to get your needs met?
2) Lovingly accept.If you had a 13-year-old daughter who was acting like a self-absorbed 13-year-old, you would accept that as part of the age, wouldn't you? You wouldn't try to change her beyond what was age appropriate. Maybe you would release your frustration by mentally shrugging your shoulders and rolling your eyes as you said to yourself, "Ah, that's 13!" Try doing the same for your addict or alcoholic. Please understand that this does not mean you condone their behavior, this is only a path to peace for you. It is a way of loving yourself.
3) Practice judo.Judo is the art of getting out of the way. A judo master watches his opponent carefully and when the attack comes, the master simply isn't there. By this time, both you and your addict know each other very well; you know what buttons you need to push to get a reaction. Sometimes an addict will unconsciously push a loved one's buttons in order to provoke a negative response, which turns into a fight, which turns into an excuse to use. These unconscious patterns will go on indefinitely until someone stops reacting in the same old way. How do you react when your buttons are pushed? What other choices do you have?
Making these accommodations isn't as difficult as it may seem at first glance. It is a gift you give to yourself as you increase your understanding and begin to reclaim your peace and joy.
Gathering the Honey is a resource offered by Raising Grace Coaching to increase awareness and inspire new responses to addiction. People Who Love an Addict can learn valuable spiritual lessons from the adversity of addiction and go on to create lives of joy, purpose, and peace.
