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Healthy Communication Tips
By
Chuck C. Bird, Ph.D., RN, Dip.ABS and
Jo-Ann H. Bird, Ph.D., LMHC, Dip.ABS
We often hear people talk about the importance of healthy communication in relationships. But what is healthy communication and how do you do it? First, we want to explain what communication is not. In our work with couples, we hear many assumptions and beliefs about communication that are unhealthy barriers to deeper connection and intimacy in relationships. Here are just a few of the unhealthy assumptions we often hear:
- Agreement = good communication and disagreement = bad communication.
- My partner would agree if he/she would JUST listen (better).
- Yelling, or raising my voice, will make my partner listen (better) which will then help them understand and agree with me.
- Name calling or use of threats is the ONLY WAY to make my partner take notice of me and listen (better) which will then help them understand and agree with me.
- It is better to not talk about difficult things with my partner so we won't disagree and cause conflict.
- The concerns or problems I have will just go away on their own.
Do you recognize any of these? Do they sound familiar? If you or your partner has any of these assumptions, then now is the time to challenge those beliefs and do something different that will benefit your relationship. Here are some healthy basic communication tips you can start using today:
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First, before you jump right into a discussion, we recommend that you check in with your partner to see if it's a good time to talk. For example, it is typically not a good idea to bring up issues when your partner first walks in the door from work. If it is not a good time, then schedule the time to talk.
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Focus on ONE issue or concern at a time. Often people start with one issue and then start adding in other issues including things from the past that are sometimes not even related to the main issue. Be careful and mindful of this...it's a very slippery slope!
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When bringing up an issue or concern to your partner, use "I statements". This allows you to own your feelings and decreases the chance of your partner becoming defensive. For example, say "I felt _________ when you said or did___________."; instead of "YOU made me so (angry, sad, etc)!"
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If the issue or concern has to do with your partner, focus on their behavior that is problematic. Please do not attack them as a person.
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Make requests for change, not demands.
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Try to discuss issues and concerns as they come up or in a timely manner instead of bottling them up and using them for an attack later.
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Remember that everyone has their own beliefs, thoughts, perceptions, feelings, and "truths" regarding an issue or concern. Thus, when listening to your partner, get curious about their "truth" instead of trying to convince them that your "truth" is more "true" or important.
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When listening to your partner, remind yourself that you did not (and cannot ever) cause your partner's feelings. Thus, there is no need to get defensive. They are just revealing and expressing their perceptions, feelings and "truths" to you.
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Ask questions, if needed, to help you understand your partner's perception of the issue/concern.
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Then once you understand, sum it up and let them know you got it! Remember, understanding their perception and "truth" does NOT mean agreement on your part.
Practice using these tips on daily basis with neutral conversations (i.e. your day at work, your dreams in life, etc.). Please do not wait to try them out during your next argument. Remember the saying, "Practice makes perfect". If you find you need help with these communication skills, please feel free to contact us to schedule an appointment. Next month, we will focus on the important skills of negotiating and compromising in relationships. We hope this helps!
Copyright © 2007-2008 The Love Birds. All rights reserved.
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Q & A with The Love Birds
Q: I am a 35 year old man and lately, I have been having problems getting an erection. What could be causing this?
A: Thank you so much for your question. A man suffers from erectile dysfunction (ED) when he is unable to get or maintain an erection. It is important to understand that ED can be caused by many factors. First, we recommend you talk to a Urologist about your concern since some causes of ED are physical (such as due to prescribed or over-the-counter medications or medical conditions such as diabetes). Fortunately, today, there are prescribed medications that can help with ED such as Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis. For men who can't or don't want to take these medications, there are devices that can help such as penis pumps and penis rings. These are available online (such as www.bettersex.com) or in adult stores. If a physical cause has been ruled out, then we suggest you seek out a qualified Sexologist who can assess for possible psychological or relationship issues that can be causing ED. We hope this helps.
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About "The Love Birds"
 We are Board Certified Clinical Sexologists and relationship experts that help couples discover more passion and connection in their relationships. We coach couples together (co-coaching) which offers a unique and balanced male/female perspective and approach to helping our clients with a variety of relationship and sexual issues and concerns. As a happily married couple, in addition to our advanced education and training in relationship and sexuality issues, our knowledge of relationships also comes from true, real-life experience. Due to our last name and the work we do, we have become known as The Love Birds (TM).
Charles (Chuck) C. Bird, Ph.D., RN, Dip.ABS is a Registered Nurse, Board Certified Clinical Sexologist and relationship expert providing coaching services with his wife in the Tampa Bay area. Dr. Bird earned his Doctorate from The American Academy of Clinical Sexologists, Masters degree from Maimonides University, Registered Nurse degree from St. Pete College and his Bachelors degree in Psychology from the University of Central Florida. His coach training is from The Institute for Life Coach Training. Dr. Bird is a Diplomate of the American Board of Sexology and a member of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT).
Jo-Ann H. Bird, Ph.D., LMHC, NCC, Dip.ABS is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, National Certified Counselor, Board Certified Clinical Sexologist, Certified Sex Therapist and relationship expert providing coaching services with her husband in the Tampa Bay area. She received her Doctorate from The American Academy of Clinical Sexologists at Maimonides University, Masters Degree in Mental Health Counseling from Nova Southeastern University and a Bachelors degree in Psychology from the University of South Florida. Dr. Bird's coach training is from The Institute for Life Coach Training. She is a Diplomate and Supervisor of the American Board of Sexology and a Qualified Supervisor with the State of Florida. Dr. Bird is a member of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT).
** We are also proud members of The Greater Brandon Chamber of Commerce.
** We are also a BBB (Better Business Bureau) Accredited Business.
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Inspirational
Quote:
"Love yourself first and everything else falls into line."
~ Lucille Ball |
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Did You Know...?
According to John Gottman, Ph.D, "Couples often ignore each other's emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice."
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We love this book because it is filled with practical information and the latest reseach on relationships. We recommend this book to all the couples we work with, whether they are married or not.
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Welcome to the June 2008 edition of Impassioned Connections. Impassioned Connections is our FREE monthly newsletter designed for couples wanting to enhance their relationship and sexuality.
