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Relationship Resolutions



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January 30th


New Venture Christian Church relaxedchurch.com is hosting a Couples Cafe entitled "Non-Stick Disagreements" for engaged and married couples.  7 p.m. at Work of Art, Midlothian, VA.  $20 per couple.  Email Ty Hagins for more info.



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Relationship Resolutions

"If we don't change direction soon,
we'll end up where we're going."

        ~ Prof. Irwin Corey


It's human nature to get excited about fresh starts.  Just before I met Melissa, I had endoscopic sinus surgery, having lost my sense of smell for a couple of years.  As tissues healed, memories flooded back as I experienced again the sweet smell of leather, pages of old books, and my all-time favourite -- playdoh!  Here I was, as giddy as Scrooge on Christmas morning, doing sensory backflips, without anyone to share completely in my joy (who wasn't a beagle!)

Fresh starts are new beginnings, and new beginnings can inspire hope and invigorate us.  Like recovering from a serious disease or injury; reuniting with a friend or family member from whom one has been cut off; receiving the gift of a baby after losing one; being forgiven; a child whose "time-out" is over; breaking free of an addiction; or switching from a PC to a Mac!  Fresh starts are emotionally-rich new beginnings where perspectives have changed because people have changed.

Historical fresh starts included such dramatic events as the Hebrew exodus from Egypt, the abolition of slavery in England and later in the U.S., and the reunification of Germany after the fall of the Berlin wall.  The ultimate fresh start must be the ongoing consequences for humanity of the resurrection of Israel's Messiah -- Yeshua of Nazareth, three days after dying on a cross outside the gates of the ancient city of Jerusalem.

Fresh starts don't have to be dramatic, life-changing or supernaturally-orchestrated for us to want to think and act differently.  Sometimes, all it takes is for the calendar to flip from one year to the next, like it did a week or so ago.  

New Year's is the most popular time of year in our culture for personal introspection, followed by grand plans to lose weight, get fit or stick to new budgets.  (Or for me, to clean my office and file a year's worth of paper!)  While these types of resolutions are personally worthwhile, they tend to be self-focused.

So, given our mission to families, we thought we'd devote this first update of 2009 to relationship resolutions -- fresh starts in how we relate to some of the most important people in our lives.  Resolutions that involve others.

"Change is good.  You go first."
                ~ bumper sticker

Your challenge (and mine) is to ensure that we actually follow through on what our relationships need.  That means working against our propensity to fall short ... to begin but to not finish.  We have two suggestions to avoid feelings of frustration, and to increase your chances of success.

1.  Make only one or two relationship resolutions.
2.  Understand what it takes to convert good intentions into good habits.

If Aristotle were alive today, he'd likely be recruited as a new year's resolutions consultant.  While this fourth century B.C. philosopher can't help us spiritually, he has something to offer us in practical terms.  Aristotle held that an intention (like wanting to work out), needs to grow into a volitional choice, then an action, and then a repeated action in order to become a habit.  That habit becomes either a vice or a virtue, and one of the building blocks of our character.

Experience affirms this aspect of Aristotle.  If good habits don't form, the waistline grows, heart and muscles don't benefit from the workout, the credit card balance creeps up, and my office doesn't get vacuumed!

So, without any further delay, here are some relationship resolutions -- some ways of thinking and acting that we think can make a real difference in your most important relationships.

If you are married ...

  • think about turning off the television and talking more with your mate.  Screens (tv, computer, cell phones and pda's) are privately mesmerizing, and can rob your marriage of precious time and attention it needs to thrive.
  • think about communicating more kindly, especially If words are sometimes used as weapons at your house.  Challenge yourself to go 24 hours without blaming, accusing, complaining, demanding, insulting, criticizing or invalidating your mate.  Also include subtle sarcasm disguised as humour.  When you hit 24 hours, try going for 72.  When you hit 72, go out on a date and talk about how worthwhile the exercise was.
  • think about reading one marriage book together per calendar quarter.  We've recently enhanced our resource pages to make it easier for you to browse and buy a copy.
  • think about reserving some tender, uninterrupted time once a month for each other to confess (your own) shortcomings, while underlining your unconditional commitment to the marriage.  Loyalty, devotion and trust make smoother a road made bumpy and treacherous by the daily stuff-of-life.
If you are a husband ...
  • think about making this your year to step up and assume your God-given role of spiritual leader in your home.  It's a burden your wife will appreciate being lifted from her shoulders.
  • think about asking your wife quarterly: "What can I do to make you feel more loved and secure?"  After she tells you, resolve to do it.
If you are a wife ...
  • think about resisting the temptation this year to have a child-centered home.  Children are cute, needy, cuddly and demanding, but child-centered homes often end up hurting children more than helping them.  Make your marriage your first priority.
If you are a parent ...
  • think about increasing the number of meals you eat together as a family.  Time around the table laughing, sharing and teaching will be treasured by your children long after memories of outside activities have faded.
  • think and act as the primary educator that you are, regardless of where your children go to school.  If you're treated simply as an arms-length extension of the school, then think about changing schools.
  • think about setting and enforcing clearer age-appropriate limits with your children.  Our culture has an almost irresistable magnetism, so it needs to be courageously rejected, and its influence minimized, in areas where it conflicts with the home.
"Don't get so used to your culture
that you fit into it without even thinking."

                                            ~ Eugene Peterson

If you are a mother ...

  • One of the lies of our culture is that success is something found outside of the home.  Unless it's out of financial necessity, think about making healthy trade-offs that will benefit your children's developmental need for more of you when they are young.
  • think about resolving to find the joy in the everyday moments you have with each child, rather than getting caught up in the chaos and stress of everyday life.
If you are a father ...
  • think about not "missing the feeling" when your children act out, rather than just demanding compliance.  When a father misses a feeling beneath a behaviour, he misses an opportunity to emotionally connect with his child.
  • think about spending more time with your children.  One way is to arrange regular daddy-daughter dates or daddy-son activities where you focus on just one precious person for a couple of hours.  Your child will count the days until the next one.
If you are a single mom or dad ...
  • think about asking for support more often from people you trust, so you can recharge emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
  • think about asking your church to host a single parents' gathering.
If you are single and living together ...
  • think about moving apart (one of you moving out), and setting some healthy moral boundaries until after your wedding.  Cohabitation is known to be poor preparation for marriage, but moving apart now can offset those effects, and give purity a fresh start.
If you are a single woman ...
  • and your boyfriend is putting pressure on you to have sex, think about waiting, no matter what.  A man of character -- one worth marrying, will wait for you.
If you are considering divorce ...
  • and if your physical safety isn't an issue, think about digging in, rather than bailing out.   One is easy and popular.  The other is hard work, humbling and worthwhile.
  • think about working with a counselor -- one who shares your worldview, and who doesn't view divorce as a reasonable prescription for a distressed marriage.
If you've been rejected by divorce, or lost a mate who died ...
  • think about giving yourself more time to heal, rather than rushing into another relationship.  That's especially hard when someone is showing interest, but you owe it to yourself and others to enter a relationship whole and healthy.

It's not only our waistlines that need scrutiny at this time of year.  Our relationships need constant care and attention.  Hopefully, there's one or two things here for you to think about, and resolve to act differently in 2009.  

Please email us your experience with resolutions, fresh starts you've made, and ideas you've found helpful.  We value your feedback, and our hearts are always touched by your stories.

rgp