News from Meier Clinics

    Not long ago a movie captured audiences' imaginations about what it would be like to be on a fishing boat headed directly into the path of two mighty forces joining to become a "Perfect Storm." Disaster movies captivate us as we sit in awe of the overwhelming yet beautiful power of God's creation. Sex is most definitely one of these greatest gifts. It is no wonder that an enemy would pick this gift to corrupt and trap those that God loves most - His very own children.
    According to the Bible, sex is a gift given by God as the ultimate act of disclosure and commitment, a physical statement of love in which each partner expresses "You know all my secrets, things I tell no one else, and you accept me as I am." It is almost a return to the Garden of Eden where the Bible describes Adam and Eve as naked and unashamed.   Cyber-sex addiction transforms this gift into a disease of secret keeping and inability to relate to others that can destroy a family or a life.
    This "perfect storm" has a devastating impact on every member of the family, not just the one caught up in it. Users believe their activities are anonymous, but web sites capture selections they have made and offer pop-up ads with images or relationship offers that are slightly more intense than the previously viewed page. Links to these sites are found on "innocent" sites targeted at men, women and children that result in individuals without pre-existing addiction problems becoming entangled after a "look out of curiosity."
    Until recently, cybersex activity was mostly related to men. However, recent studies show an increase in female consumers and, while men are more likely to frequent on-line sites to view images and videos, women are more likely to participate in chat rooms. What is alarming is once women are online they are three times more likely than men to schedule a face-to-face meeting with persons met online. Many patrons of internet pornography describe their behavior as a way to relieve stress; however, one study reported that men who used internet pornography as a method of stress relief had increased problems in their real-time relationships that began when they started cybersex activities. This means impacts were immediate, not just a result of addictive use.
    While many adults feel confident their behavior is hidden from their children, research shows they are mistaken. When parents disclosed their use, the majority of children already knew and were surprised that the spouse did not. Because children have a limited ability to emotionally, cognitively, or physiologically process sexual material they are voluntarily or involuntarily exposed to, they tend to create unrealistic expectations for sex in relationships or sexual behavior in public. They also tend to build their ideas of identity, value, and reward on sexual/pleasure themes.  Even children not directly exposed to parental compulsion/use of cybersex are still vulnerable to risks of neglect or accidental discovery; both of which are factors in passing addictions to the next generation.
    What can be done? There are several ways to protect a family from the threat of Cybersex addiction and treat the problem once discovered. Tips for protection include:

Purchase a firewall/internet site blocking software or service.
Limit use of home computers/laptops to family areas when someone is home.
Make an agreement to go online only when another person is home.
Use an internet service that only allows access to family sites.
Use inspirational photos as backgrounds or surrounding computer-like family photos or scripture related pictures.
Purchase cell phones that do not include video or image capability.

    You might ask, "Is there hope if I suspect or have already found evidence of internet cybersex access or addiction?" The answer is an emphatic "Yes!" Several issues are critical. First: sexual addiction impacts the entire family. The entire family needs to be treated, not just the addict. Second: most people (including the addict) believe that punishment, shame, and guilt, if bad enough, will stop the behavior. This approach is actually proven to make the addiction worse. Cyber-sex addiction, more than any other, requires a strong commitment to restoration described in Galatians 6:1 "restore one in trespass in a spirit of gentleness." While this can be difficult given that addiction behaviors can result in feelings of betrayal and lack of trust, the alternative is even worse. Environments of punishment can establish what has been called "escape conditioning" where children learn from parents that the solution to painful situations is to escape the need to seek help in resolving their problems and, instead, punish others and self. This dynamic sets children up for their own future addictive relationships.
    What does work is a combination of therapy, education, and building a support community. Individual and family therapy sessions that allow family members to explore and resolve their emotions regarding the addict's behavior and deep injuries that drive the addict (or internet pornography user) to escape, rather than resolve stress-creating issues, are needed. Both spouses need to attend education groups because learning about how addictions work actually begins to slow and stop addictive behavior. This information can be found in books (some of which are named at the end of this article) and some is available in meetings. Sexual addiction is a "bonding dysfunction" for addicts. Just the act of going to group, such as Celebrate Recovery, and sharing secrets can begin to heal the addiction. For the spouse, Co-Sex-Addict (COSA) and similar meetings provide a venue for information and support, and provide help to lift the "fog" of confusion and frustration that most spouses of sex addicts experience. These meetings provide help in identifying how to respond in ways that actually work and provide information needed to make decisions. None of these solutions alone provide any guarantees for success; however, combining them in a program along with committed effort by the addict and their family provides the most powerful chances for long term relapse prevention.
    Families can and do heal from the pain of sexual addiction. It is a long road, one that cannot be walked successfully alone. If you have additional questions, contact a licensed therapist who is qualified and experienced in treating sexual additions. If you don't know a qualified therapist, ask your current therapist for a recommendation. You can also call Meier Clinics at 888-725-4642.

Additional information is available in the following books: Facing the Shadow: Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery and Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts.