E-Newsletter from Meier Clinics

May 2008

E-News from Meier Clinics

"One of the most trusted names in Christian Counseling" 1-888-7 CLINIC

REFLECTIONS

By Dr. Jim Vigorito

I got more than a lift to my scheduled appointment when I called the ride service in Buena Vista, Colorado. While taking me to my destination, the driver shared insight that surpassed that taught in most graduate schools. "Learn to let it be enough," she told her passengers. "Accept what others can give, and try not to hold against them what they do not offer."

I've thought about the driver's words often in the ten years since they were spoken. The intervening years have only served to reinforce their importance in my life and the lives of those with whom I've shared them.

Apostle Paul expressed a similar sentiment in Philippians 4:11b: ". . .I have learned to be content (or self-sufficient) in whatever circumstances I am." First notice that Paul learned to be content. Rather than a quality he was born with, Paul most likely developed this kind of contentment or self-sufficiency the hard way. One wonders whether his first attempts to learn contentment began through gritted teeth: I choose to be content. Father God, help me to be at peace with what I have. Let it be enough for me.

The writer of Hebrews elaborates a bit further in Chapter 13, verses 5 and 6: "Make sure that your character is free from the love of money, being content with what you have, for He Himself has said, 'I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you,' so that we confidently say, 'The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid. What will man do to me?'"

These passages open another dimension to the issue of my satisfaction with circumstances. I am not alone. The bigger picture includes a Helper God, who personally cares for me and will not permit me to ever be separated from His love and caring. Beyond what is humanly seen or experienced, an all-sufficient and unlimited God keeps watch over my circumstances and me.

When my contentment hinges on the behavior of others, I ride an emotional roller coaster. When my contentment hinges on the unchanging faithfulness of God, I remain steadfast in contentment.

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Dr. Jim Vigorito Dr Vigorito is a licensed psychologist who specializes in conflict resolution and the treatment of sexual addiction. He has worked in the Counseling Department at Focus on the Family for the past eight years. He and his wife, Patricia, have two adult children.

Healing Damaged Relationships

by Nancy Price, LCSW

couple Most of us have experienced damaged relationships at one time or another in our lives. Because of God's command to forgive as we have been forgiven, we often feel the pull toward healing. We may approach the idea with resistance and confusion. How do we move toward healing a damaged relationship? Where do we begin?

Here are some practical steps toward repair:

1. Pray for God to begin the process in you. Christ is in us and He will help us. ". . .Christ in you, the hope of glory." Colossians 1:27

2. Get down to business with God and talk with Him honestly about what you are feeling about what happened. He knows what your thoughts are, no matter how much you may want to dress things up and hurry up to get to the forgiving and get it over with. "Before a word is on my tongue, you know it completely, O Lord." Psalm 139:4

3. Take your time. Healing that is godly and genuine takes time.

4. Write your thoughts and feelings down in a journal. Writing them down begins the process of healing them because you're giving them a "voice" and getting them up and out of yourself and onto the paper. At this point, don't edit what you say. Be honest.

5. Examine your part in the conflict. Ask God to show you this. Be prepared to ask for forgiveness for your part as pointed out to you by God or the other person. Please note: If you have been abused sexually or physically, you do not have responsibility for the abuse done to you. I would caution you to seek professional Christian counseling. Clinicians, such as those at Meier Clinics, are able to help guide you before you venture into processing what happened.

6. Write out what you would like to say if you were free to say it. Use "I" statements rather than "you" statements. "I felt __________ when you__________ because ____________."

7. Pray for wisdom as to when or if you should talk with the person about what happened. Anticipate the likely outcome of the discussion that may include confronting. Will you be OK with whatever response you get? In some situations, where it might be emotionally or physically unsafe, seek guidance first. Forgiveness of that person is possible through Christ but confrontation may not be wise. Reconciliation may not be possible.

8. Take a breather. There may be situations in which a temporary break in direct contact is appropriate while all parties take time to heal. A brief note sent to the person about everyday events in your life (unrelated to the conflict) can keep the doors of communication open for a possible future reconciliation.

9. Contemplate forgiving the other party. The conflicts we have with others involve some kind of forgiveness if the relationship is to continue. Sometimes it is easy to forgive because the offense is slight and the over-all context is one of security and love. But forgiveness feels impossible sometimes when the offense to us is very great.

10. Educate yourself about Biblical forgiveness. Meditate upon Christ's sacrifice. Read books such as Forgive and Forget by Lewes Smedes and The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom. An interesting discussion of the process of forgiveness is Grace to the Barren by Timothy J. Keller and Redeemer Presbyterian Church.

11. Forgiveness is a matter of decision, not feelings, and is often made at the end of a process of working through steps similar to the ones outlined here. It is a matter of obedience to Christ. Matthew 6:14-15.

12. Pray (see step 7 above) and, as God leads, go to the offender. I found it helpful to send a letter first stating how I was offended, how I was feeling, and my hope for mutual understanding. (Still wanting to exact payment for the offense? Think of what forgiveness will cost you as compared with what it cost Christ - His very life.)

13. If you decide to meet with the offender, share your feelings honestly and in love. Be brief and specific. Know what you want to have happen - what you will do and what you want the other person to do. Listen. Acknowledge the other person's viewpoint and take responsibility where you can.

14. Whatever the outcome, be at peace. You have taken a courageous step in meeting with the person who hurt you.

15. Here are some benefits of going to the one who offended you:

a. The offender is told the truth and thus has an opportunity to repent and ask God's forgiveness and yours. You are told the truth, too, and can repent.

b. The door for reconciliation may be opened.

c. If you can find it in your heart to forgive, whether or not the offender repents, you become free of resentment from sitting in judgment of the other's wrongs and can take another step on the journey to Christ-likeness.

Could it be that one of the very ways we die to ourselves is to forgive?

". . .Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Colossians 3:12, 13

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Nancy Price is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and has been the Director of the Meier Clinics in Fairfax, Virginia, since 2005. Prior to entering the graduate program in clinical social work and while raising her children, Nancy volunteered in various helping capacities that became part of the life experience training that she uses today in her counseling practice. See "Chatting With" below for more information about Nancy.

CHATTING WITH. . .NANCY PRICE, LCSW

Editor: When did you start working at Meier Clinics?

Nancy Price: I came to Meier in Fairfax,Virginia, in 2004 as an outpatient therapist. I'm currently the Director of the Fairfax Clinic which includes oversight of its operations including Day Program, making it known in the community, and seeing clients.

E: What lead you to becoming a therapist?

NP: Difficult personal circumstances drove me to seek help. A Bible Study Fellowship leader suggested I consult with a professional counselor. I soon began to see counseling as a tool of God's mercy. 1 Corinthians 10:13 states how God always makes a way through life's trials. Professional counseling by a Christian was one way God did this for me and I became excited about doing the same for others.

E: What do you see as one of the biggest problems or misconceptions people come in with?

NP: Sometimes clients have difficulty coming to terms with what they "own" of a problem. It's easier to attribute the problem to others.

E: What do you enjoy the most about your work at Meier Clinics?

NP: My role as director has been a wonderfully challenging and stretching experience, increasing my dependence on God.

E: How do you integrate your faith in your counseling practice?

NP: I pray for God's direction for each session and "short arrow prayers" during the session. Christ's love and sacrifice are the context of my counseling practice. I try to listen as He would. Most important for me has been my personal time in prayer at home each day so that I use my skills with Him in mind.

E: What is your favorite Scripture verse or saying?

NP: "But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father who is unseen. Then your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you." Matthew 6:6

E: Is there a book, other than the Bible, that you would like to recommend to our readers?

NP: The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment written by Puritan Jeremiah Burroughs in the 15^th century, I think. It is a treasure to read in small portions.

E: When you're not working, what kind of activities do you enjoy?

NP: I enjoy my grandchildren - playing with my grandchildren, reading, swing dancing, walking, and hiking.

E: Is there an interesting fact about you that few people know that you would want to share?

NP: I lived in Greece for six months when my husband was deployed in the Mediterranean.

E: What words of advice would you like to offer our readers?

NP: Find someone, of the same gender, with whom you can get together and pray. A friend and I began praying for our children when they were in high school in about 1993. What a blessing it has been to pray for each other and our families all these years. My prayer partner suggested we write down thanksgivings for answered prayer and for what God is teaching us. He is faithful.