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SINGLE PARENTING WITH FOCUS ON GOD
by Jane Mann, Psy.D.
Parenting is a highly sophisticated, dedicated, and profound profession that most of us take on without much, if any, formal training. Parents rely on their innate love for their newborns to nurture them, their maternal or paternal instinct to guide them and to fend off danger, their common sense (which varies with each individual) to make the right decision in raising them, and their personality to discipline and teach them. Couples who attempt to put their wit, their mind, and their heart together in parenting still find it a daunting task to raise a child through infancy to toddler, advancing to adolescence and young adulthood. Needless to say, parenting is an even more formidable venture for a single parent.
Difficulties Confronting Single Parents
On a pragmatic level, single parents have to face the strain of making decisions on a daily basis, all by himself/herself. "Two are better than one" (Eccl. 4:9) has a lot of face value when applied to decision making. Unlike couples who have the benefit of consulting each other with joint wisdom and confronting or concurring with each other about choices they make, single parents only have themselves to consult and to blame. Single parents lack the luxury of bouncing off ideas, thoughts, and concerns with another partner. They have to hold themselves accountable in every decision they make, big or small. They second guess themselves and often waiver in their choices. They agonize over the pros and cons and still end up with uncertainties. To make it worse, the children whom they try to protect and provide for are often the ones who challenge their authority and question the wisdom of their decisions. These single parents often feel lonely and inadequate.
On the emotional level, single parents have to ward off the stigma that comes with the label. They either choose the victim role, feel inadequate, incapable, and helpless to parent to the satisfaction of well meaning bystanders, or they work themselves to a frenzy in proving that they are good parents despite their disadvantageous status. Adapting to any of these extremes will send them on an emotional roller coaster ride of anger, resentment, shame, fear, sadness, and/or despair. They often are lonely emotionally. In addition, the stress of shouldering the emotional atmosphere of the whole family translates as taking on both the roles of mother and father, which is highly taxing. Simultaneously, they have to be a nurturer and a disciplinarian, a fun and risk seeker, and a cautious, conservative protector. Such demands necessitate that the single parent has a very healthy reservoir of emotions in order to rise to each occasion.
Putting aside the emotional volatility single parents have to undergo, they may also be encountering financial stress. To meet the financial needs of the family, single parents often have to take on a full-time job outside the home and still manage to be physically and emotionally available for their children after work hours. This includes juggling their schedule to attend numerous school activities, shuffling the children back and forth to meet their social needs, tutoring for their school work, and crafting personal time with their kids. Along the line of providing the financial resources, single parents also have to deal with the emotional stress of making sure the budget is balanced, meeting daily needs, planning for the surplus, and knowing how to manage the finances of the household with clarity and confidence. They attain all of these single-handedly.
To top it off, single parents often struggle spiritually. Their busy schedules take precedence over their spiritual relationship with God, despite their desire to trust and obey. They lose sight of the source of their strength, and often function in a crisis mode in their daily living. They know that God is there and intellectually believe that God loves them, yet they do not experience vitality in their spiritual life. Nor do they have the time or energy to grow in their knowledge and relationship with God. Some would harbor bitterness as to their rendered status of single parenthood, whether by death, divorce or pre-marital parenthood. They question God's wisdom, God's love, and God's sovereignty. The reality of single parenthood clouds their sensitivity to God's prescence.
Reliance on God and the Christian Community
The difficulties that single parents face are not unique. They are the same problems that any parenting couple would be confronted with. Just as couples rely on God and the Christian community in parenting, so do single parents. They trust in God, their rock and their hiding place, and the willingness of the church community to walk alongside them will ease the pain and frustration of parenting and, in turn, their family can be a blessing to others.
In the first place, single parents need to have the right perspective on parenting. It is paramount to be reminded that "children are a heritage from the Lord" (Psalm 127:3) and that they are entrusted to our care. God is the One who is assuming ultimate responsibility in raising them to be a man or a woman of God. So, when single parents lament the inadequacy of their parenting skills, face the emotional stress and loneliness in raising their kids, meet the reality of financial uncertainties, and agonize over their choices in decisions, they should be aware that God is in ultimate control. Just when they throw up their hands and exclaim that they cannot handle parenting, they should step back and let God direct the course of action. It is a daily exercise to practice casting their worries onto God, and to believe that "unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it, unless the Lord guards the city, the watchman keeps awake in vain." (Psalm 127:1)
Secondly, it is important for the church community to join forces with single parents and to accompany them through the frustrations of parenting. It is helpful for single parents to discuss different choices and difficult decisions with another mature Christian or another parent. They can get a different perspective or be reassured in their thinking. Although single parents still have to take up the challenge of making decisions solely, they can now feel more secure in their decisions. The church family can offer friendship to single parents. It is emotionally healthy for them to maintain a balanced life in meeting the needs of the children and to have their own appropriate social life. This would also mean that the church family should encourage the single parent to grow spiritually. They should provide ample opportunities for the single parent to have fellowship with other Christians and involvement in Bible studies and church activities.
As we go through life's journey, it is imperative to understand that single parenting is only a status in life. It is not our identity. Our identity is secured in God, loved and cherished by Him. During different phases in life's journey, just as with other people who are categorized as single, divorced, widowed, disabled, stay-at-home parent, elderly, etc., and have to face the challenges that come about with their status, single parents are no exception. There are challenges specific to each of these statuses and, yet, there is also comfort and assurance that reliance on God and dependence on the Christian community will help each one of us grow in wisdom and in faith as we face the demands that arise.
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Dr. Jane Mann is a licensed psychologist and the Clinical Director of the Deerfield, IL, Meier Clinic. As the widow of Rev. Josiah Mann, Jane understands very personally the special challenges of being a single parent, raising three children.
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George
worry, but let's review a few Scriptures.
"Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth."