| REFLECTIONS
During a time when I was sitting with my father during the last day of his life, I began to think about the people who I have liked the most as I have journeyed through my years on this earth, my father and my mother being two of those people. There are two characteristics common to all of them. They have not all been the most entertaining and gregarious, some have been rather quiet, even shy. They have not all been the most intelligent or the best educated, although some have been very wise. They have not all been wealthy or famous, but some were. Every one of the people I have liked the most, relatives, friends, co-workers, just everyday, ordinary people who crossed my path, and even people in the news about whom I have formed perceptions and opinions, lived out two virtues - they all have had personal integrity and they have all been kind people. That does not mean that they were, and are, perfect people. They had bad days too and sometimes in certain moments they were not kind, but on a day-by-day, year-by-year basis, they continually practiced kindness in their relationships.
At one time I was engaged as a contract psychologist by the Vocational Rehabilitation office in Montrose, Colorado. The director of that facility had posted a sign there for the staff that I have never forgotten. It read, "Be kind, for everyone you meet today is engaged in a battle." That observation applies to every person we encounter in our daily lives.
Three months after that day with my father, I experienced my own medical crisis. During that time, another of "those people," a close friend, gave me the gift of a very poignant and powerful verse of Scripture, Proverbs 19:21, which was then, and continues to be, very important and encouraging to me. As I read and reread that verse, I noticed the verse which follows, Proverbs 19:22, and was happily struck by these further words from the Lord that are exactly in concert with the thoughts that came to me about the virtues of integrity and kindness: "What is desirable in a man is kindness, and it is better to be a poor man than a liar." (NAS) Eventually, I also discovered Proverbs 3:3 that reinforced the preeminence that God places on these attributes: "Do not let kindness and truth leave you. Bind them around your neck. Write them on the tablet of your heart." (NAS) We are called to remember to live these virtues out by the power and help of yet another Person. Jesus, quoted in John 14:16-17 and John 14: 26, speaking to his disciples and those who would come to accept him as their Savior in the future, said: "And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever - the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you." "... the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, ... will remind you of everything I have said to you." (NIV)
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Phil Swihart, Ph.D., is the Director of Counseling Services and Community Relations at Focus on the Family. Be sure to visit this terrific organization's website at www.family.org for helpful information and resources. | |
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Learning From and Resolving
Business Conflicts
Conflicts are any situations in our lives that produce anxiety, fear, anger, or other negative emotions. They can be internal (conflicts within ourselves) or external (conflicts with others). The workplace is notorious as a source of conflicts.
What Causes Conflicts?
Internal conflicts are caused primarily by discrepancies between our ego ideal (what we would like to be) and insights into our negative emotions, motives, and insecurities. Internal conflicts begin soon after birth and continue throughout life. The more traumatic our childhood was, the more internal conflicts we tend to carry throughout life, unless our internal conflicts are substantially resolved through professional therapy, Scripture meditation, or some other health-producing means.
External conflicts are caused when others fall short of our expectations of them or when others are more kind to us than we feel we deserve, resulting in feelings of guilt. Our attitudes and expectations of others are largely determined during the first six years of our life. They are based primarily on the behavior and attitudes of our parents toward us. If they spoiled us, we expect to be spoiled throughout life. If they continually criticized us, we expect this to continue throughout life. If they had unrealistic expectations, we tend to have unrealistic expectations of those we work with and of ourselves. If they treated us with a reasonable degree of love, discipline, and respect, then we tend to be loving and reasonable executives and workers with realistic expectations of those with whom we work. We will exhibit a balance between love, patience, and practical disciplinary measures.
What Promotes Conflict?
Conflicts can be promoted and made worse by people who were accustomed to having conflicts throughout their early childhood experience. They tend to have an unconscious need to maintain the level of conflicts that they had growing up. They continually stir up strife through griping, gossiping, exaggerating, etc., at their place of employment in order to relieve the boredom and anxiety that they feel when things are running too smoothly. While some people do this on purpose, most people do this without realizing it.
Conflicts can also be promoted and made worse by extenuating circumstances such as unexpected business setbacks and declining economics. When people feel that their business security is threatened, they become more insecure, anxious and angry, and they tend to generate more conflicts. Many people who have been guaranteed job security also produce conflicts because they become lazy and unproductive and, thus, do not meet the expectations of their superiors. Therefore, it can be seen that either too much or too little job security can promote conflict.
What Hinders Conflict Resolution?
The main factor that hinders conflict resolution is lack of honest, tactful communication. Other factors that may hinder resolution include the lifelong, unconscious dynamics and family patterns (mentioned above) experienced by the individuals who are involved in the conflict. Thus, lack of psychological and spiritual insight is a major factor that hinders conflict resolution, because these deficiencies keep us from seeing our own rigidity, unrealistic expectations, fear of rejection, masochism, and other personality features that decrease our efficiency in business as well as our enjoyment of that business.
How Can We Obtain Conflict Resolution?
The best way to obtain conflict resolution in business is to begin by getting some knowledgeable training through seminars or other reliable resources such as personality testing. Until we have personal insight into our own emotional and spiritual dynamics, we will be like "the blind leading the blind." We will also continue to make the same mistakes over and over again without understanding how they are merely reflections of the mistakes we experienced in early childhood. If we disliked our mothers, for example, we may have conflicts with our female employers. If we hated our fathers, we may get along fine with female employers but be in constant conflict with males who are in authority over us and always think it is their fault when, in reality, it is only a transference of the anger we had toward our fathers. If our mothers spoiled us and wrapped their entire lives around serving us, then we will often tend to be egotistical at our place of business and feel that everyone's life should revolve around us. Examples of these patterns are endless.
Sometimes the best resolution for a conflict in business can come by placing a person who is unwilling to look at the truth about himself and correct his mistakes on probation and potentially firing him. There are a number of people who are like this, and any large business will need to plan on parting ways with an occasional employee. However, healthy, polite, honest communication usually brings about resolution of conflicts, especially if the employee is not approached in a condescending or threatening manner. In fact, resolutions of such conflicts make both the employer and employee better people than they were before the conflict. Seeking the services of a professionally trained therapist can be extremely beneficial for the business and for the individual.
Every person wants to feel important, yet everyone has inferiority feelings. Anything that an employer can do to make employees realize they are important both to the business and as individuals will tend to greatly reduce the number of conflicts that will arise. However, the employer must be realistic and understand that conflicts will arise even in a "perfect" environment, because there are no perfect people.
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Paul Meier, M.D., is the co-founder of Meier Clinics and is
considered a pioneer in the integration of psychology and Christianity. He currently sees clients at the Richardson, Texas, clinic. He is a prolific author and a frequently requested speaker. | |
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Is Your Garbage Can Full?
by Martha Ryan, M.Ed., L.P.C.
There are many ways that people choose to cope with life's struggles. One popular way to deal with issues is to stuff them and ignore them in hopes that they will disappear. Many people search for a temporary fix and stuffing our feelings can be easier at the moment than dealing with them. But after a while, our "garbage can" gets full of all those emotions that we have not dealt with.
Many people come to counseling suffering from depression symptoms such as difficulty sleeping, withdrawing from activities, increased anxiety, difficulty concentrating, or weight gain. As I work with people who come in experiencing depression symptoms, I usually discover issues and feelings that were not dealt with honestly.
I like to think of it as a garbage can that doesn't get emptied of all the trash. When we don't empty out the garbage cans at our  homes, they overflow and eventually start stinking. That is the same with our emotions. When we stuff them, they will eventually start stinking. This stinking may show up as depression symptoms or physical symptoms such as headaches or stomach problems. If we don't deal with our emotions, they will deal with us. In John 8:32, scripture says to "know the truth and the truth will set you free." So many times we are held in bondage by our emotions that we ignore or stuff them. Once we admit our true feelings, there is a huge load lifted that allows us to live life more fully. I believe that being honest with yourself about what you are feeling is an important step toward living the way God desires. It is so important to know God's truth about who we are and who He is. When we turn our brokenness and hurt feelings over to God, He alone can heal us and make us whole.
So many times we get caught up in pleasing others or not wanting to upset someone that we deny our feelings. However, scripture tells us to speak the truth in love. In James 1:19-20, Paul encourages us to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. I believe it is important to think through our feelings and to express them appropriately.
There are three ways to express our feelings: 1. passively, 2. aggressively, 3. assertively. When we are passive, we let our emotions out through the side door - sarcasm or silent treatment, for example. To express our feelings aggressively means that we may yell, scream, or call someone names and we don't care how it comes out. Assertiveness is the best option because it means taking responsibility for one's feelings and caring about the relationship.
When we don't deal with our feelings when we feel hurt or angry, stuffing these feelings can turn into bitterness. Ephesians 4:31-32 tells us to get rid of bitterness, rage, and anger. We have to be honest with ourselves as to what we are feeling so we can work toward forgiveness when someone has hurt us. God's desire is for our relationships to be restored and not to let bitterness and anger destroy our relationships or ourselves. God gives us a variety of emotions and we have to choose how we will handle them because, if we don't handle them, it will start impacting us one way or another, but not usually in a positive way.
It is also important to deal with our emotions in a timely manner in order to enjoy healthy relationships. When we don't deal with issues and have hurts that build up in our garbage can, then it will also start building walls in our relationships with others. God calls us to live in authentic relationship with others and relationships can be messy due to the sinful nature that we all have. Being authentic is not easy or always fun, but it is important to handle our emotions before they handle us.
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 Martha Ryan works at the Meier Clinics in Richardson, Texas, with adolescents, adults, couples and families, treating various issues including depression, anxiety, abuse, relationships, communication, and eating disorders. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor and received her Masters degree in Counselor Education.
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CHATTING WITH. . .NANCY BROWN, PRESIDENT
Editor: When did you begin working for Meier Clinics and in what capacity? 
Mrs. Nancy Brown: I began working for Meier Clinics (then Minirth-Meier Clinics) in 1976, the year it was founded in Dallas, Texas. I was the Clinic Director of our Dallas Clinic--the only clinic at that time. My duties grew and expanded as the Clinic work grew. We had people who would fly in from many places around the country (and even some internationally) to seek Christian-based mental health care.
E: What is your current position and current job responsibilities?
NB: My current position is President of Meier Clinics nationally. We now have 27 programs offered in ten states from coast to coast. I work closely with the Regional Managers as well as oversee our Corporate office and management staff in Wheaton. I also work with our Family Bridges staff and over 20 Coalition Members, which is our grant work we are doing in Chicago as part of the Healthy Marriage Initiative. Family Bridges has served over 5,400 couples and individuals this past year with workshops, training people how to have successful relationships. The workshops are delivered in both English and Spanish throughout the Chicagoland area, mostly to under-resourced people. It's a wonderful work.
E: What job experiences did you have prior to joining Meier Clinics?
NB: Previous to joining the Clinics almost 32 years ago, I had worked at Wheaton College in Student Personnel and also worked at a bank in the Commercial Loan Division. I love working in a Christian environment where there is a mission that is being accomplished and lives being changed.
E: What is the best part of your day?
NB: Any time is the best part when I review current Outcomes Studies from the clients whom we serve and see what an incredible difference we are making in their lives and the lives of their families; or when I am working with staff I so respect and enjoy; or when I am talking to someone on the phone seeking care whom I believe we can help. All of those times are the "best parts of the day."
E: How has working for Meier Clinics impacted your life?
NB: It taught me that it takes courage to confront problems in our lives so that there is healing and a more fulfilling future, and I see that courage everyday in the clients who come to Meier Clinics as a resource. I have also learned (and am still learning) that this work is God's and we are to serve Him through serving people.
E: When did you first accept Christ as your savior?
NB: When I was six years old, my father talked to me about Jesus and the forgiveness available through faith in Him. Then when I was 13 years old, my oldest brother, Dick, wrote me when I was in the hospital with Rheumatic Fever. He said it was a good time to make sure I had individually accepted Christ--it was not because our parents were Christians, or because we went to church--and at that time, I chose to dedicate the rest of my life to the Lord. I am so grateful Dick took the time to write me that letter.
E: Do you have a favorite Bible verse or quote you would like to share?
NB: There are many favorite verses, but one that is simple and yet a wonderful grid to use to test all things is in Micah 6:8: "And what does the Lord require of thee, but to do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with your God." It's easy to try to complicate life, but this verse summarizes things so well: do right, love kindness, walk humbly--simple, yet impossible without the Holy Spirit working through us.
E: Is there something about you few people know that you would like to share?
NB: Sure. When I worked at Wheaton College in the '60's, I was sent home one day because my skirt was too short. Secondly, Dave and I have nine of the cutest, sweetest grandchildren you'd ever want to see, and two more are on the way by June. All four of our adult sons and their wives and children live nearby in Wheaton, Illinois. What a blessing!
E: What do you do in your spare time for fun?
NB: Anything with my husband, Dave. We spend a lot of fun time babysitting the grandchildren (oldest one is just five years old). Also, I love to read a great book.
E: Who has been most influential in your life?
NB: My father, Alex Meier. Because his walk and talk were aligned. He was the "real deal" Christian who spent every morning on his knees praying for his family and every night around the dinner table reading the Bible and praying with us. He was, by the way, a bookkeeper with the Clinics in 1976 right until he retired at age 80! My brother, Paul, also had a great impact on me over the years. I taught a women's Bible study in our community for over 11 years and I would always call Paul the week of preparation to see what added thoughts or verses would be good to use. It was often his "golden nuggets" he shared with me from Scripture that would touch the hearts of the women in that study.
E: Any other thoughts you'd like to share?
NB: Yes---my dad used to remind us that "Tis only one life, which will soon be past. Only what's done for Christ will last." I want to be faithful to all God has called me to do and not get distracted with lesser things.
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Taking Your Christianity to Work
By Nancy Brown and Jeanne Ryan
Millions of words have been written about personal "rights." While much has been very good, it seems we have gone to an extreme, especially in the area of the work place. Today there are so many laws regulating applications of potential employees because of a possible violation of their "rights" that many managers have applicants fill out a government-approved form. Some people have become so consumed with their personal "rights" that they have lost a spirit of functioning on a job as a team member.
After being in management together for the past 29 years, we have observed some very fine examples of Christians who take their Christianity to work with them. Several specific characteristics show up again and again in these most faithful employees. They include:
1) Loyalty to the company. Interestingly enough, this was also ranked as "number one" in a secular management book in a listing of characteristics of the most promotable employees. Proverbs 17:17 states, "A true friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need."
2) An attitude of service. This attitude is reflected in working with the client as well as working with fellow employees. We see more of a "What can I do to help" attitude versus "What's in this for me?" Christ was our ultimate example of an attitude of service. He taught us through the Beatitudes that if someone asked us to go one mile with him, we should go two, or if someone asks something of us, we should give it to him and not turn him away. (Matthew 5:41-42)
3) Reliability and conscientiousness with work, following through until the job is done. Proverbs 22:29 (TLB) says, "Do you know a hard-working man? He shall be successful and stand before kings!"
4) Punctuality and wise use of time on the job. Have you ever worked with someone who tends to be late to work a lot because of oversleeping? Proverbs 20:13 (TLB) warns us that, "If you love sleep, you will end in poverty. Stay awake, work hard, and there will be plenty to eat!"
5) Willingness to learn from constructive criticism. Refusing to work on our shortcomings is a refusal to grow as a person. Proverbs 15:31-32 (NIV) says, "He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise. He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding."
6) A good sense of humor - a positive attitude. This brings to mind the verse in Proverbs 17:22, "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." An employee can change the work atmosphere with kind words and a gentle smile, even if the client or co-worker is angry or hostile.
7) An unwillingness to participate in office gossip. This can be closely linked to loyalty to the company, since loyalty to the company involves loyalty to its employees as well. This problem, if allowed to grow rampant, can destroy a company from within. Proverbs 11:13 (TLB) tells us, "A gossip goes around spreading rumors, while a trustworthy man tries to quiet them."
It is interesting to us that the Bible has so many very relevant passages which deal with the Christian at the work place. We believe God wants His children to be effective, happy workers. His admonishments to us are for our success. The passage in Ephesians 6:5-6 (TLB) sums it up so well. "Slaves (employees) obey your masters (employers); be eager to give them your very best. Serve them as you would Christ. Don't work hard only when your master is watching and then shirk when he isn't looking; work hard and with gladness all the time, as though working for Christ, doing the will of God with all your hearts. Remember, the Lord will pay you for each good thing you do whether you are slave (employee) or free (employer)."
We know that no human will ever be the "perfect" employee, and there is not a "perfect" employer. However, we believe as we strive to develop the godly attributes that are outlined in Scripture, we can experience the greatest degree of personal satisfaction and job contentment. Many people have hopped from job to job, looking for the "ideal" place, the place which would give them ego gratification, only to be bitterly disappointed. We each take ourselves with us to whatever job we have, and self-esteem comes from within ourselves - doing our best and using the gifts God has given us. When we strive to practice the Scriptural principals given for the work place, we can help our company to prosper and be successful, and as the company prospers, so does each individual who works there.
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Nancy Brown is the President and co-founder of Meier Clinics along with her brother, Dr. Paul Meier. She works alongside her husband, Dave, who is the Executive Vice President. Read more about Nancy in the article above. Jeanne Ryan is the Vice President of Human Resources and has faithfully served Meier Clinics for 29 years. She and her husband, Jerry, have six grown children and 11 grandchildren. |
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"Let us not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time
we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
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Did you know that we have Meier Clinics in ten states with 20 outpatient clinics and six day programs? Did you know that in 2007 we provided $770,000 in charitable care to those who needed financial assistance for their counseling care at Meier Clinics? Did you know that we depend on people like you to help us provide this care? Did you know that every cent you give goes directly to underwrite this charitable care?
Please prayerfully consider making a donation today. It's tax-deductible and easy!
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Make your check payable to Meier Clinics Foundation, 2100 Manchester Road, Suite 1510, Wheaton, IL 60187.
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Call 1-800-848-8872
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Thank you for partnering with us and making a difference in another person's life today!
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Contact Info
Meier Clinics E-Newsletter Editor
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