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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Domestic violence affects people of all races, nationalities, economic status, and religions. The vast majority (95%) of victims are female although males can also be victims. Children who grow up in violent homes are often abused and may repeat those violent patterns in their adult relationships.
Domestic violence is a pattern of controlling behaviors towards another person that includes physical, emotional, spiritual, economic, and/or psychological abuse. Domestic violence is not a one time event. It occurs over time in a predictable pattern of tension, violence, and a brief "honeymoon" period in which the abuser promises it will never happen again. Unfortunately, the cycle will continue unless the abuser has a desire to stop the behavior.
Safety is the priority if violence is occurring. If a woman chooses to remain in the home, it is important to have a safety plan in place. If it is too dangerous for her to remain in the home, there are shelters available nationwide which provide temporary safe housing and counseling. Marriage counseling is not recommended when domestic violence is occurring as that may increase the violence. Individual therapy for both spouses is recommended and, if the violent partner ceases the abusive behavior, then marriage counseling may be beneficial in reconciling the couple.
To find a shelter near you call the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) toll free at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
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Ms. Mills is a Licensed Professional Counselor at the Meier Clinics in Pittsburgh, PA. |
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TIPS TO DEAL WITH TEEN TURBULENCE
By Joanne Rector, MA, LPC
Josh's folks have been worrying about him for some time. At 14, Josh had been giving them cause for concern. At times he was uncommunicative, uncooperative, sullen; other times he was openly hostile and rude. More and more of his spare time was spent with the "gas station crowd." Josh's folks were worried that he might be into drugs, pornography, or sex.
Through help from others such as trusted friends and professionals, Josh's parents found some resources and ideas to help them connect with Josh and manage the pressures of parenting. First, they discovered that they needed to consider their style of parenting. They learned that there are four basic styles of relating to children:
- Neglectful - Parenting that is low on support and low on control
- Permissive - Parenting that is high on support and low on control
- Authoritarian - Parenting that is low on support and high on control
- Authoritative - Parenting that is high on support and high on control
Josh's parents were becoming aware that they had been relating to Josh in an authoritarian manner. They began to see that Josh's resentment and antisocial traits were a direct result of their over-controlling tendencies. They realized that their nagging, yelling, and blaming behaviors had communicated non-acceptance to Josh. The more they criticized, the more he rebelled. The more he rebelled, the more they found to criticize. They began to look for things to commend, to compliment, and to affirm. They verbalized love and understanding and began to talk things over in a reasonable manner.
Secondly, Josh's parents found research data showing that an adolescent's brain is underdeveloped in providing him/her with the ability to set goals, to set priorities, to plan and organize, and to inhibit impulses. His parents realized that they needed to understand and appreciate the complexities of Josh's developing brain and the stress that he was experiencing, physically and emotionally.
Finally, Josh's parents were encouraged to find ways to reduce their own stressors in parenting, so they could manage their life more effectively. They learned that taking time for themselves, enjoying activities such as exercising, listening to soothing music, or reading a good book, helped reduce the level of stress. In addition, they learned the importance of having a sense of humor, accepting the fact that there are no perfect parents or perfect kids, and looking for the positives.
The dynamics in the way Josh's parents related to him changed. At first, he was puzzled, confused, and surprised. He thought the changes were unreal-that his folks were just playing games. But, eventually he believed his parents' positive feedback was real and his conduct gradually changed. Josh and his parents experienced the healing process that comes from genuine acceptance.
Josh's parents learned that, however severe a situation is, there is help. They acknowledged the potential for problems, actively sought help, and were willing to make changes.
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Ms. Rector is a Licensed Professional Counselor at the Meier Clinics in Battle Creek, Michigan. |
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Making A Difference Is Easy!
Sometimes it takes a lot of time, money, or effort to make a difference in someone's life. Other times, it is quite easy--a simple smile, picking up litter from a yard on your walk, giving someone change who ran short in the check-out line. . . When we give something unexpectedly, and especially to someone we don't know, it can make a big difference in that person's day and even in their life.
One easy way to make a difference is by partnering with others to provide charitable, Christian, mental health care to those with limited financial resources. Your tax deductible gift can be made on-line at www.meierclinics.org, by phone 1-800-848-8872, or by mail to Meier Clinics Foundation, 2100 Manchester Road, Suite 1510, Wheaton, IL 60187-4561. No gift is too small and all gifts do make a difference!
How will you make a difference in someone's life today? | |
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