Article: Independence "Builds" Barriers
"Independence builds barriers"... This might surprise many of you and I believe it's an important aspect of today's modern relationship that we must look at within our own lives if we desire healthy, happy and fulfilling relationships. It's become readily clear to me through observing my own life and the lives of the many men and women I've talked with over the years, that the "independence" so radically promoted by the original women's movement and by today's societal conditioning has wrecked much havoc in our intimate relationships... and in our offices for that matter.
Please know that I am immensely grateful for the changes created for women and society as a whole as a result of the Women's movement. At the same time, I recognize that while the movement gave us equality, power, pay, and independence, in exchange for those freedoms we may have traded health, happiness, romance, passion, friendship, fulfillment, and more.
It is absolutely true that for the first time in evolutionary history, women are no longer dependent on men for their inherent survival. Hallelujah! And, it makes me cry sometimes as I watch the parade of women I see that now believe they have to do it all. They have to be everything to all people all the time. Simultaneously, women have been so conditioned that weakness is unacceptable that we'll do anything to prove our strength... and we have a society filled with exhausted women. Women, how often do you feel exhausted before you ever get out of bed? Men, how many women do you know that push themselves to the point of utter exhaustion and then go into a fit of exasperated rage or collapse in a pile of frustrated tears?
Similar conditioning shows up for men as well... Our society chastises "softness" in men and criticizes them for any semblance of "weakness" that might arise.
For all of us - men and women alike - it is our vulnerability and openness, combined with our willingness to give and receive, that allow us to thrive in life and celebrate in love!
It's time for all of us to open up to the possibility of choosing healthy and conscious dependence...
As an extra note, beyond the societal conditioning of independence, those of us who have experienced some form of abandonment in our lives will often say, "I'll never let that happen again." "I'll never get attached like that again... I'll never let someone get that close again." And then we strive for more and more independence, creating wider and deeper barriers between those we might otherwise love deeply or be loved by.
So no matter how it started for us, the "independence strategy" runs in all of us and it's time for us to drop the barriers, reconnect and enjoy the gifts that we can give one another. We complement each other in life when we allow ourselves to serve and be served by others! Remember... in order to receive you have to surrender some of your independence and allow someone - a man or woman - to help you! If you ask for help it does not mean you are weak or dependent!
I can't ignore, as we've heard for years, the unhealthiness of co-dependence in relationships. This is true... when "I HAVE to have you or be with you" or when my emotions are dependent on your emotions, we cannot create healthy authentic loving relationships.
And... once we have found our independence and we have grounded ourselves in it... then dependence and vulnerability become critically important components of passionate and fulfilling relationships. This healthy dependence arises from two people who are first comfortable with themselves and honest about their needs and then chose dependence and vulnerability with another. So find your independence...know you have it... and when appropriate... choose to surrender it in exchange for deeper support, love and connection!
Suggestion for the Week: Can you allow someone to help you every day this week? Bonus: Can you ASK someone for help each day this week?
With much love,
Joanna
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