Listening

Ah! To listen or not listen: That is the question. Or rather, the answer. In my counseling practice of over twenty years, that often seems to be the answer for so many. "I just want to be heard." "He doesn't listen to me." "How can I make her understand!" Being listened to is a profound desire in all of us. It means we are valued and important to another.

I know counseling and therapy can be criticized for making things worse. More often, it is thought to be utilized only for crisis, pathology, damage control or mental illness. Unfortunately, counseling is overlooked for one of its most important contributions: a safe space to be heard. I look at it as "sacred" space. We all need a safe environment to share thoughts and feelings about life's meaning and purpose as well as to examine behaviors that affect us and others for better or worse. Sometimes, people don't think such a place exists at home, work, places of worship and elsewhere. In the counseling office, there is utmost respect, genuine acceptance, and positive regard for the whole person. Counseling in this setting is about personal growth and integrity that can impact, influence and improve one's relationships. To know better is to do better.

Give the gift of counseling. If someone you know could benefit from a listening ear in a safe space, offer them an opportunity. It is not unusual for a family member or friend to buy an hour for someone else. Parents give it as a marriage or anniversary gift to help their children be better spouses and parents. Friends do it to help alleviate some stress in a home or help someone in their workplace.

I would also encourage anyone reading this to pay attention to your listening skills. How good a listener are you? Do you provide a safe space without judgment and distractions? Are you comfortable with silence; do you always have to fill it up? In a world full of wires and wireless we need people to listen. Listen!

If you or someone you know could use some sacred time and space, call me at 303-692-8006 or contact me via e-mail:

[email protected]. I also give referrals.

"Smiles"

The minister was giving a sermon one Sunday, when two girls could be heard in the back giggling and disturbing people. He interrupted his sermon and announced sternly, "There are two of you here who have not heard a word I said!" That quieted them down. When the service was over and he was greeting the people afterwards at the door, three adults apologized for going to sleep in church, promising it wouldn't happen again.

Book In Review

Some years ago, I read The Lost Art of Listening by Michael Nichols, Ph.D. (1995). I appreciated his clinical wisdom woven into practical advice about improving our most important relationships by our ability to really listen. That genuine listening can improve and repair broken connections. He now has a second edition. The Lost Art of Listening: How Listening Can Improve Relationships, 2009. The book is an excellent reminder to stop what you're doing and listen to the important people in your life. He gives the real reasons people don't listen. For example, there is an inability to suspend our own needs, hearing only what we want to hear and overreacting with our own emotions. This is a good book to sharpen your listening skills.