"I want you to just fix my kid." If I had a nickel for every time I heard that statement from a family member, I would be the wealthiest clinician out there. Unfortunately, for our youth, we cannot just simply "fix a kid." As the old saying goes, "it takes a village," and in the case of substance abuse treatment and recovery, this also holds true. I want to start out by telling you a true story of how a family came to grips with the idea that they too would need to be part of the treatment and recovery for their teen.Through the family's eyes, the journey to recovery can be long, scary, embarrassing, and lonely.
I was in disbelief when I found that my child was involved in using substances that can be harmful. Sometimes, wondering why, and how. Things started to disappear, including money, jewelry, bicycles, and anything else he could trade for his next high. I would send him off to school, only to find out he ditched, and was picked up on yet another charge, and I was required to be put through the extra responsibilities of court hearings, UA drops, meetings with Probation, and counseling. As a parent, it seemed a lot to take on, especially when it is the kid who caused all of this (or so I thought). It became hard to talk to people about our lives, thinking we must be the only ones who are having to deal with these things, and everyone would have thought I must have been a bad parent to have my child involved in such things. When others kids were excelling in school, my child had no credits, and no ambition. I tried to figure out where I went wrong. If only I had done this or that differently. I blamed the other parent, even if they haven't been there for years. I sometimes covered up for my kid, so that he didn't have to serve more detention time, or go there at all. It was so heartbreaking to see this kid who was my baby to be in handcuffs.
When the counselors asked personal questions about my life, it made me feel as though they thought I had done something wrong. Why did it matter that sometimes we had violence going on in our home? Why were they so concerned if I yelled at my kids? Of course I yelled; my kid was stealing for heaven's sake. And just because our other relatives had used drugs, what did that have to do with anything? My boy was so little when that happened, he couldn't have remembered it anyway. And why did I have to go these groups for him? He was the one on probation, not me; it just felt like there was no hope.
As time went on, and it was a lot of time, I learned many things. I learned that all of the things that had happened in our family can contribute to his use of drugs. I learned that the past use of family members can have an impact on the way he saw what was acceptable. I learned that being honest with counselors about what is really going on at home can be useful information. I learned a lot about myself, and I learned that this road he was traveling was affecting everyone around him, including myself, and that by closing my eyes to some of the things that were happening, only made it worse. When he pushed my buttons, and I gave up and gave in, it seemed easier. I learned that maybe I was giving in out of guilt; guilt I didn't even know I felt. And all of that put together was so very tiring. I learned that the road to recovery can be very tiring, and how to support him, while still setting firm expectations and boundaries as a parent, as much as it pained me to hold him accountable. Then, I finally realized that maybe I could use some support. As I started to listen more, look at what he needed, and hearing his point of view, without giving in, and without covering up for him, we started to talk more. We found a school that he did well in. I agreed to "try "to be involved in the things he was interested in, even if I wasn't.
It was a long journey, and it has taken time to learn to trust him again, and for him to learn to respect me, and even though there are days that I wait for the other shoe to drop, it is ok, because I think it made us stronger, and closer. It may not be what we wished for, but it happened. As I learned all of these things, I realized we can only move forward. I urge all parents to be actively involved in the treatment with their child, because the most important thing I learned is that with patience and some hard work there really is hope.
Research continually shows that in order to make sustainable change, the environment one lives in must change along with the person in treatment. If we simply ship our youth off to a treatment program or facility, and they return to the same environment in which their problems began, the likelihood of their changes sticking is very minimal. Parents, caregivers, and extended family are the key to successful change and hold a significant amount of power in the process of change. A commonly used analogy in the family systems world uses baking. "The cake that comes out of the oven is more than the eggs, flour, oil, baking soda, and vanilla that make up the parts or elements of the cake. It is how these elements combined to form something larger than the ingredients that make the cake." Taking a look at all the working parts of the family is sometimes the most difficult task facing family members. Looking at what role parents, caregivers and other family members have played in the addiction cycle and how they may be unknowingly allowing the cycle to continue is often times scary. Just remember that change, unlike fixing, is a process and there will be ups and downs. Here are a few ways that families can support their teens throughout the course of treatment and recovery:
- Do not love your child to death- set realistic expectations and boundaries, and stick to them.
- Take an honest look at your family of origin; are there patterns of addiction in your family? What skills have you learned to manage these patterns of addiction?
- Share with your teen how their addiction is directly affecting you and the rest of the family.
- Take a look at what the function of the drug or alcohol use maybe for your teen, and what are other ways you can support your teen in filling this function?
- Create opportunities for your teen to experience success- outside of drugs or alcohol, what does your teen enjoy doing (sports, music, and art)? Support them in finding their passion and ways to achieve a sense of mastery in their lives.
- Participate in their treatment- find a program for your teen that focuses not only on the individual with the addiction, but also integrates the main players in your teen's support system.
- Be an active participant in the development of your teen's relapse prevention plan. This way you will know how to support your teen when relapse or slips happen, because they will.
Above anything else, families hold the power to praise their teen for the successes in their lives; if these successes go unnoticed, then what are these kids working towards? Remember that change is a process. So the next time you hear (or if you are a parent, say) "just fix my kid," take a moment to see how you have the ability to affect change and make these teens' futures brighter than their pasts.
Originally printed in Together AZ.
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