Don't You Cry!

           Just a few months ago a good friend's mother died, and now the doctors say his father has only a short time to live. But there's a problem. His father comes from a Christian tradition where showing negative emotion such as fear or grief was a sign of weakness and lack of faith. And he's struggling now in the face of his own impending death. It's not that he's afraid of dying itself, but the emotions are uncomfortable. And it's hard for his family to have the conversations they really want and need to have at such a time.

Psychologists and doctors will tell you that weeping is a normal and healthy response to loss and pain. Although everyone responds to loss differently, refusing to acknowledge and express grief can lead to significant physical and mental illness.

The death of a loved one is usually considered at the top of the list of circumstances that cause us grief and pain. But there are many others. Loss of a marriage, failure at something you believed was important, trauma or hurt from other's words or actions, unhealed pain from the past - those and others can tear deeply at our souls.

This past weekend I was with a whole group of ladies who were crying. And it was a beautiful thing. I was part of a conference that addressed domestic violence. Some wonderful presenters discussed the many dimensions of this type of trauma, and then the ladies were invited to share their personal stories if they wished. Many did, often with tears. Some had experienced trauma as children, some as adults. Some were now having to deal with their own children's experience of violence, and their own feelings of guilt in the process. So yes, there were tears!

What else but crying can do justice to such deep experiences of pain? After any difficult or painful life experience we often first respond with something else. But when tears do come healing has begun.

Crying may make us uncomfortable, but it is perhaps the one best thing we can do at those times. And it's not just women: men who are able to cry are healthier, happier, and much easier to be around!

Tears in God's Eyes

Singing out of the Pain

         So what do you do when things are bad enough that the only thing you can do is cry? Three things to think about: 

1. Get emotional. We are emotional beings. Burying the anger, grief, or pain only sets one up for worse problems later. There are appropriate times and ways to do so, but go ahead and cry or whatever you need to do.
2. Move on. As Solomon said, there's a time to cry. (See Eccl 3:4) No one can tell you how long to stay emotional. At some point it's time to move forward. That doesn't mean you don't miss your loved one, or have wounds from being hurt. But you make the decision to go on living.
3. Take God with you. Knowing God doesn't prevent the hurt. It doesn't make it automatically go away. Sometimes you do all the right things and you still cry. But take God with you in all of it. He's promised to always be there.

    Don't miss the benefits of crying. Tears wash the windows of the soul.

            Yes, sometimes I cry. Sometimes you do to. And that's OK. One day God will wipe away all tears from our eyes.

            Until then, don't keep God out of the places where you cry. He wants to be there. Won't you let Him?

            Here's a portion of the lyrics from Sometimes I Cry. Sometimes music says it better than anything else.

Sometimes I Cry 
I look the part 
blend in with the rest of the church crowd
I know the routine
I could list all the bible studies in town
watch christian TV
I know all the preachers...their cliches
been born again, without a doubt I know I'm saved

Chorus
But sometimes I hurt and sometimes I cry
sometimes I can't get it right
no matter how hard I seem to try
sometimes I fall down
stumble over my own disguise
I try to look strong
as the whole world looks on
but sometimes alone I cry

I try to look strong as the whole world looks on
but sometimes alone I cry

Until we talk again, In Christ's Love and Freecom,

 
Dr. Carol Tanksley