When things get difficult, some of us tend to run. It's one of the normal human responses when things get uncomfortable. When it comes to close human relationships, perhaps men do this more than women. (Don't quit reading here: we'll get to us women in a moment.)
The average guy wants to fix things. Needs to fix things. That's a good thing! After all, if men didn't like to fix things, there would be no point in a Honey Do list!
But when a man can't understand or fix something, he will often withdraw. He'll try to ignore or deny the problem. Perhaps he'll run. He'll withdraw into his own world and hide. Or he'll find some place to run away to.
That running may lead him to long hours at work, to alcohol or other substance abuse, to an affair, or other dangerous or unhealthy ways to get away from what he can't fix. And if the problem is in his marriage, this tendency to run or hide can be devastating.
To you guys out there, don't tell me you don't know what I'm talking about! Does this sound at all like you?
You sense the temperature getting a little colder at home, and you don't know why. Something's a little different with your wife. "Honey, is something wrong?" And the response: "No!" So you shrug it off.
And the temperature keeps going down.
Finally you can't ignore the freezing temperature any longer. You don't know what to do. You don't know how to fix it. So you leave.
Oh, you might not leave physically. But some part of you leaves. Your heart is closed.
If that's the end of it, you've lost perhaps the most important thing you ever had. Perhaps you've been so busy climbing the ladder of success you find yourself at the top - alone! Or perhaps you've gone so long assuming things would somehow take care of themselves that you no longer know when things started going south.
Grasping In Desperation
Denial, jealousy, or withdrawal can be issues for both men and women. But the average woman responds to relationship threats differently. And she may overdramatize what may be "normal" bumps in the road. (I promised to get to us women, so here it comes.)
You sense something isn't quite right. You're unhappy. Your husband doesn't act as "present" as you wish. Or you discover a concerning magazine, text message, or Facebook post. "Honey, what's wrong? Why didn't you .....? How could you do that?"
Perhaps he doesn't say much, and you feel blown off. So you go after it again, every chance you get. The problem rolls around in your mind, and you can't think about much else. And by george, your husband should tell you what's going on! And by the way, he ought to take care of his family better. And he ought to fix things around the house. And he ought to stand up to his mother. And he ought to spend more time with the kids. And he ought to pray more with the family. And he ought to wash the car. And he ought to let the neighbors know they need to keep their hedge trimmings on their side of the fence. And he ought to get his hair cut before the weekend. And he ought to help me get the kids ready for church. And he ought to . . . . .
Doesn't that make you tired just reading it? Come on, girls: truth now. Do you ever sound like that?
Sure, perhaps your husband "ought to" do all those things. But just for a moment, how do you think it would sound if the roles were reversed, and he was constantly telling you all the things you "ought" to be doing, and how you weren't measuring up? Wouldn't you just RUN?!!
Fix It With Listening
Those relationship problems aren't unique to married couples. Living together simply magnifies our "normal" unhealthy ways of responding to discomfort, stress, and anxiety. Whether you are married or not, the tendency to withdraw, to run away, to grasp with desperation, or to cover everything up with words robs us of what we're really after.
The answer to most of these problems is the same: BE STILL and LISTEN!
- If you're a guy who has a stressed marriage, sit still long enough to really hear what your wife is saying. It may be terrifying! But you could end up being the hero just by listening.
- If you're a girl whose man always seems to be running away, shut up long enough to listen - with your heart open - to what he is struggling with. He just might start running toward you instead of the other way.
- If you're single and desperately want a partner, try showing interest in someone else. Listening is the best guaranteed way to do that. You never know: true friendship may lead to something deeper.
- If you're struggling and trying to get God to fix some big problem in your life, be still long enough to truly listen to what He wants to say to you.
Ouch! Did you get that last point? Yes, persistent prayer is important. But we more often forget to listen. We wear ourselves out begging, crying, pleading, negotiating, and begging some more. We're so busy talking we wouldn't hear God if He DID have something to say!
And then when He doesn't answer (as we see it), we conclude He doesn't care. And then we close our heart in some way. We run!
In this sense our relationship with God is not terribly different from our relationship with people close to us. Most of us have a very hard time listening, especially if it may be something we don't really want to hear.
It need not be that way. If I could encourage you in anything, it would be this:
- STOP running, talking, struggling
- OPEN YOUR HEART. You DO have the choice whether or not to do so. If you're scared, just try opening it just a little.
- LISTEN, really listen to your spouse, to your friend, to God.
You never know what you might hear!
Until we talk again, In Christ's Love and Freecom,
Dr. Carol Tanksley
