OK, so nagging, pushing, complaining, and the silent treatment don't work. So what does? I think every one of us can think of people who have made us change, those who have influenced us in a profound way. Perhaps a teacher, a spouse, a coach, a pastor, a friend. What makes the difference?

Remember I told you I was surprised at how powerful I have been in my husband's life? (He has been in mine as well.) When your heart is open to someone, they have the ability to both wound and heal, to build up and to tear down, to make you want to run and hide, or anxiously await the next moment together. The power we have over each other comes much closer to what we call influence than anything else.

Since we're talking about close relationships here, consider these positive affects you may have on your spouse. You can help them:

• Change a bad habit
• Learn or experience something new
• Become strong in the face of outside opposition
• Develop characteristics such as confidence, grace, or courage
• Grow more mature spiritually

           If you've ever wanted to be better than you are today, you probably have a pretty good idea of what it takes to help someone else change. What would help you? And then do it for them.

What does it take to make that kind of impact on your spouse? Here are some of the things you can do to help your spouse exceed even your own expectations of them:

• Be proud of them. Knowing that someone who loves you is proud of you is an incredibly strong motivator. Be their biggest fan.
• Honestly encourage them for little and big things they do in a positive direction.
• Unconditionally love and accept them. This does not mean you accept abuse, but it does mean you don't demand that your spouse "perform" in order to gain your love.
• Be a safe place for your spouse's feelings to land.
• Allow yourself to need your spouse.
• Pray for them.
• Never give up.
• Share YOUR heart with them.

 And just as powerful as you can be to your spouse in a positive direction, it may even be more so in a negative way. Just think how deeply your spouse would be able to wound you if they wanted to. Or perhaps HAVE wounded you. Well, your spouse's heart is vulnerable too!

The way you hurt your spouse may be unconscious on your part, but it is never-the-less powerful. Here are a few things you may do that cause your spouse's heart to bleed:

• Ignore their feelings.
• Refuse to listen to their thoughts or beliefs.
• Speak ill of them to someone else.
• Speak harshly to them when they do something you dislike.
• Don't notice their positive efforts in some area.

           If you want someone close to you to change, the "warming up" method works so much better than the chill.

Powerful for the Kingdom of God

            If those principles are true in our closest personal relationships, aren't they also true in the Kingdom of God?

When He was here on earth, Jesus spent a lot of time being with people, telling stories, healing, and simply demonstrating what God was like. The teaching He did was giving people a picture of what their life could really be, and calling them to it. Very little of His time was spent pointing out evil, and then only with the people who thought they were already righteous.

I want to challenge us to refrain from trying to play Junior Holy Spirit. We're not very good at it anyway! Our influence can be powerful in helping people become hungry to enter the Kingdom of God. Let's allow God to make us into the kind of people others will want to be like, so we can see many more join us in His Kingdom.

Until we speak again, in Christ's love and freedom,  

 
Dr. Carol Tanksley