"Quitter" by Jovanna Gomez
I've had an epiphany (road trips are
good for this sort of thing)!
Drumroll, please!
I am ... a quitter. Thinking
as far back as I am able, I can't come up with a single meaningful thing I
haven't quit. From karate to playing the violin to Hawaiian dance (don't ask),
I've at one point or another given up. Of course there are some things I've
quit that were good: such as gelling my hair to helmet status and wearing boys
clothes to school, but for the majority of my life I've quit things that could
have led to something.
I've always relished in the fact
that I succeed at most things I try. But I have now realized that it's
not because I'm great at everything I do but because for things
that become a true uphill challenge for me, I quit before seeing them through
to failure. Prideful much? The thing is,
I can control quitting, but I cannot control success or defeat. So,
when running two miles becomes too hard, I change my goal to just running two
miles. When I realize accounting is tough, I quit grad school rather than see
it through.
Lately one of those uphill challenges
for me has been my relationship with God. I feel that He is far away and not answering
my pleas for Him to fill my heart again.
I feel that I try hard but all too often fail at living for Him. I feel
overwhelmed by the idea that I will never be good enough or deserving enough.
So in typical Jovanna fashion, my
desired initial reaction was to throw in the towel. Dust myself off
and walk away as if this were just another meaningless hobby I temporarily pursued.
But luckily and obviously this is much grander than that. This is God! And God has His reason an timing
for everything.
I'm in a car all alone underneath a
black sky and a full moon realizing this.
Lately, I've surrounded myself with people and things and noise to
drown out the gnawing of my heart to get back to where it was and here in the
quiet of I-75 I have found it and I embraced it. I know God isn't
asking me to be perfect or to be deserving of His grace. He already sent His
perfect son to be so in my place. I can't earn grace and that is the beauty of
it. God simply asks that I not quit, that I continue to strive to glorify Him
in all that I do. He is immeasurably stronger than I and even in my weakest
moment, He won't let me go. So from here, I will humble myself in awe of His
power, get on my knees and persist in seeking that old place of joy and satisfaction
where my heart longs to dwell. And no matter what, I'm not giving up. Not this
time.
