"My
dad never apologized for anything.
He never admitted he was wrong, made a mistake or said he was sorry for
anything. I think that caused so
much friction and anger in our relationship. Now, I find I'm starting to do the same thing with my boys,"
Stewart said during a parenting class.
"How can I change?"
We
had been talking that evening about ways that parents discourage their
children, and that a misbehaving child is always a discouraged child. Stewart recognized himself in our
discussion of the four key ways that parents discourage children with negative
expectations, focusing on mistakes, perfectionism and overprotection.
Stewart
saw his father's inability to apologize as a result of a desire to be seen as
perfect. Stewart was realizing
that his desire for perfection might create the same kind of discouragement in
his children that he had experienced as a child. Stewart wanted a long-term healthy relationship with his
boys, then ages three and four.
I
shared with Stewart and the group one of my experiences with perfectionism and
the power of apologizing. My book
club was scheduled to arrive at our home in less than thirty minutes. My daughters were three and four and
were helping me prepare snacks and set out plates and napkins. I was a little out of sorts, because my
husband was out of town and wasn't home to help put the girls to bed. As we left the kitchen, a glass platter
got bumped. Vegetables and dip
flew off the counter. Broccoli,
celery, and carrot sticks flew across the floor along with shards of
glass. Garlic leek dip landed in
my shoes.
It
was an unfortunate and poorly timed accident. It was not intentional, but I reacted as if it had been
masterfully planned. "Upstairs.
Now. Both of you. I can't believe
you did this. You've ruined
everything," I yelled, instantly regretting my lack of self-control. There was no excuse for blowing up even
if there was onion dip in my shoes.
No excuse.
The
girls ran upstairs, upset and crying.
I cleaned up the mess, rueful of how I had over reacted. I walked up the stairs and sat down on
their bed.
"I'm sorry I lost my temper.
I know this was an accident and you didn't mean to knock the plate from
the table. I shouldn't have yelled
at you. I think I was more concerned about things being perfect for my meeting
than your feelings. Will you
forgive me? How can I make you
feel better?" I choked back my tears.
My
daughters patted me on the arm. "It's
okay, Mom. We still love you."
Children
have such kind, resilient and forgiving natures. We were all children once, and it helps us be better parents
when we can remember that.
Don't
be afraid of looking out of control or weak to your children when you've done
something you wish you hadn't. Say
you're sorry, ask for forgiveness and try to make things right. Apologize, and you'll side step those
four key ways parents discourage their children. Just apologize.