True politeness is
the spontaneous movement of a good heart and an observing mind. Benevolence will teach us tenderness
towards the feelings of others, and habits of observation will enable us to
judge promptly and easily what those feeling are.
~Lydia Marie Child, The
Mother's Book, published 1831.
Until the age of
six, we are in a developmental period that is critical to the formation of
social relations. Children are
learning how to treat others by observing others and by direct instruction. We learn manners by watching people
around us and by having manners taught to us. Manners, coming from the Latin word manus, or hands, are manual social skills. Politeness is a character trait, coming
from the Latin polire, to polish, or
to be polished. With politeness,
we shine from being polished. Our
character shines because of genuine concern for others.
Lydia Child also
writes, "In politeness, as in many other things connected to the formation of
character, people in general begin outside, when they should begin inside;
instead of beginning with the heart, and trusting that to form the manners,
they begin with the manners, and trust the heart to chance influences."
We can teach our
children how to curtsy and bow, how to say please and thank you, yes ma'am and
yes sir, and other niceties. If we
neglect to help our children learn to look for the needs of others, and put
others first, they may have impeccable manners but never be truly polite.
Writing thank you
notes for gifts or kindnesses is good manners. It is a skill that is done, more often that not, grudgingly
by children. Beginning with our
one-year old children, we can send a child's drawing or photo with a thank you
note. Our children can help put
the drawings in the envelope and place the stamp. We can say something like, "Grandmother was very kind to
send you a new puzzle. She will be
very happy to get a picture from you."
When it is time to give a gift, include your children by asking them
what they think their grandmother would like for a present. Ask "What is your grandmother's
favorite color? What is her
favorite thing to do? What does
she like to eat? What do you
think we could do to make her feel special?"
Writing thank you
notes and gift giving are skills.
Learning to think lovingly of others, and act on those thoughts, builds
character and true politeness.
When we can help our children think of others first, and offer lessons
of grace and courtesy, we will not be "trusting the heart to chance influences".
After shopping one
afternoon for a birthday present for my seven-year-old's best friend, my
daughter said, "It's hard work to get the right present, Mom. We've spent two hours, and I still have
to wrap it. You know, I won't
complain about writing thank you notes anymore. If you really care about somebody, it's important to get
something they like and it's important to say thank you."
I smiled. My daughter might not remember her manners all the time, but
her heart was shining through.