Greetings! 

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This month I am offering a training to therapists on a subject near and dear to my heart. The topic is on adult Aspergers Syndrome.  I recently realized that my husband of nearly 20 years has this diagnosis and I had no idea prior to this. None.

Since I first met Mike all the signs were there. One of the signs was that he was very direct, almost blunt most of the times. I enjoyed that in the beginning having come from a family who engaged in double talk and were covert in nature. 

In fact when we went on our first date he asked, "Is this a date?" which was a good question as being two men you never know if both of you are on the same page when going out as to whether or not you are on a date. The second date Mike asked, "Are we still dating?" I fell in love instantly by his asking such a sweet and vulnerable question.

Because I come from an overly emotional Jewish family so Mike's low level emotionality was a relief to me. Some of my parental caretakers were extremely histrionic and Mike was the exact opposite. 

I fell in love with his low level of emotionality, high intelligence, extreme logic, practicality and social awkwardness. I felt that I could see his vulnerability and it made me feel safe. 

Coincidentally, these very traits with which I fell in love became the things that caused me the greatest pain over time. The same was true for him that things about me that he enjoyed early in our relationship became a source of irritation for him. 

As a relationship expert, I know that what you fall in love with often becomes the biggest source of frustration so this was normal to me. What I also know is that these frustrations offer opportunities for change and growth. 

However, while some changes were forthcoming on Mike's part, there has been very little change on certain other behaviors and traits that I later learned were a result of Aspergers. And what I realized is that these traits cannot be changed as much as he may try. 

I have to tell you that since I learned about his diagnosis I have stopped taking so much of what happens between us so personally. I recognize that his actions and responses are a result of the Aspergers. The efforts he makes to change these behaviors have meant more to me then ever before because I have compassion for how difficult it is for him to do. I have been able to love him and feel loved in ways I have never felt before.  

The efforts he makes to love me is easier to see now that I can see it from his point of view by understanding that his brain works very differently than mine. 

And finally I have learned how to work with these couples in which one has an Aspergers diagnosis to help them find their way back to each other the way Mike and I have been able to do together.

So it is with great pleasure that I offer the training on Aspergers this month. 

Warmly,

Joe Kort, Ph.D., LMSW