Greetings! 

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I hope you are all enjoying your summer.

Last month I went to a professional sex therapist conference AASECT.org and watched a movie about Transgendered folks Directed and Edited by Chris Arnold and Produced by Mark Schoen.

The movie is called, "Trans" and can be seen as a preview on youtube here http://youtu.be/rFzDxRzQs8M. You also can buy it here http://sexsmartfilms.com/ 

I have had an evolution of how I feel toward Transgender folks and it is around my own personal sexuality issues. I feel I am coming out of my "trans"-phobia. 

 I was like many gays who say they don't know why the "T" has to be in the GLBT. Their experience is different and not like those who are gay, lesbian and bisexual. Some of this is true of course and yet some of the issues do overlap.

My family didn't love my female expression. In fact, they hated it. So I then, in turn, hated it within myself.

My issue around transgendered individuals came from growing up gay and being shamed for being the "wrong" type of male. I have talked about this repeatedly in most of my writings. I was called a "girly boy", "sissy", "fairy", "mama's boy" and even had an uncle humiliate me for hours on a camping trip for wearing my mother's clothes and playing house with the girls in the family.

My shame around gender expression was profound from what my uncle and peers did to me for being a sissy boy.

I have even had colleagues and friends--both gay and straight--tell me not to admit I was a sissy boy growing up. Girls get to be and admit to being tomboys so why can't I admit that I was a total sissy boy?

The beginning of the lessening of my discomfort was when I taught a course at a university and brought the some transgendered individuals who were male to female into the class to desensitize my students. Little did I know I was doing the same for myself.

They spoke about discrimination that they had received which sounded similar to the kind I had endured including things like:

You not the right kind of male.
Something is psychologically wrong with you.
You deserve to be harassed because you're different.
 
As I listened I began to think about how much we were similar than we were different. I had never thought about these messages and experiences being the same growing up.

The next desensitization was when I watched Barbara Walters interview a transgender specialist who said the difference between a TG child and a gay child is that the gay child will say, "I want to be a girl" while the TG child will say, "I am a girl".

I always wanted to be a girl growing up but never felt I was a girl. I knew I was male and liked being male but identified with women and played dress up as a female and lip synched to Diana Ross and Cher songs and loved every minute of it.

The next desensitization was Rupaul. At first I was repulsed by him running around as a woman when he was a man--and an African-American man at that. I was raised in a neighborhood where black man were masculine--often hyper-masculine--so to see one depart from that so far away and be a woman was incomprehensible to me.

It didn't take long for me to be drawn to Rupaul and listen to his words of wisdom such as, "We are all born naked and the rest is drag". I loved his music and his freedom to express himself without shame or apology. I also could not believe what a beautiful woman he could turn himself into.

Once his show, "Drag Race" appeared on television I was hooked not just by Rupaul but by those he entered into his contest. These men doing drag were strong, honest, fierce and above all unapologetic. 

And to my surprise I experienced what I tell people they will experience if they just expose themselves to gays and lesbians--tolerance, openness and understanding. But most of all, compassion.

The movie, "Trans" was the final desensitization for me. Watching that little girl--born male--know who she was and fight for herself at such a young age touched me to no end.

I highly recommend this movie. You can purchase it here http://sexsmartfilms.com/ 

Warmly,

Joe Kort, Ph.D., LMSW