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Greetings!
I am offering a new telecourse with my colleague, Tammy Nelson, MS, who is also a Board Certified Sexologist and IMAGO Relationship Therapist.
Below is the information about the one hour class on December 7, 2009.
Next is an article I wrote and was published in the latest Psychotherapy Networker on the Depathologizing of Porn.
And lastly, Tammy Nelson and I will be conducting a 4 week class for therapists this winter on the topic of internet pornography to explore when it is a sexual addiction, cheating, recreational and otherwise.
We will be offering a similar course for non-therapists in the Spring. I hope you will join our one hour introductory class this December 7, 2009.
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PART ONE
- INTRODUCTION:
INTERNET PORN = ADDICTION, RECREATION or INFIDELITY?
With Joe Kort and Tammy Nelson
In
this course we'll explore a differentiated view of pornography use,
assessing for addiction and compulsive use, as well as defining when porn
is used as recreation and its possible meanings in different relationships,
of all sexual orientations.
We
will define monogamy, fidelity and exclusivity as it relates to pornography
use in couples and look at the pathological perspective of pornography use
as it desensitizes and/or traumatizes viewers.
We
will also see how porn can re-eroticise relationships when there has been
erotic neglect. Participants will learn the three reasons people go
on the Internet to look at porn and will find ways to assess, treat and
intervene when porn is a problem.
TELECLASSES ARE ON-THE-PHONE
CLASSES - YOU DO NOT NEED TO JOIN LIVE - YOU WILL RECEIVE A RECORDING OF
THE CLASS TO LISTEN ON YOUR OWN TIME
WHEN:
December 7 - 1PM to 2pm EST
COST:
$25 (Intro class does not include CEs)
To REGISTER: Pay by MC/Visa and receive the number and info to join the class. INTERNET PORN = ADDICTION, RECREATION or INFIDELITYSCROLL DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGEor go click here to register directly.
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Tammy Nelson, MS is a Certified
Sexologist, a Licensed Professional Counselor, a Certified Imago Therapist
and the author of Getting the Sex You Want; Shed Your Inhibitions and Reach
New Heights of Passion Together, and lectures and trains internationally on
sex and relationships. Tammy is the founder and Director of the
Center for Healing in Connecticut and the sex expert at the Mayflower Spa
in Washington. www.tammynelson.org
Joe Kort, LMSW, is a psychotherapist and Board Certified
Sexologist who specializes in sexual identity issues, IMAGO relationship
therapy, sex therapy and sexual addiction. He is the author of two books on
gay male identity and relationships, Gay Affirmative Therapy for the
Straight Clinician and has a chapter for female partners who are involved
with men who have sex with men in Mending A Shattered Heart. He provides
workshops for gays and lesbians as well as trainings for straight
clinicians around the country. www.JoeKort.com
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Depathologizing  Porn
Why Can't It Be Just an Acceptable
Diversion?
by Joe Kort
In more than 25 years of practice, I've heard hundreds of stories of how
pornography use can damage people's sex lives profoundly and ruin their
marriages. I've personally had many couples describe the shame and secretiveness
of one partner's involvement with porn. Time and again, I've treated people for
whom viewing porn has become a compulsion and who've come to prefer it to being
with a partner. Yet I've worked with many for whom porn isn't destructive to
their relationship, but, in their view, offers a source of excitement and
satisfaction they wouldn't otherwise experience.
Of course, these days, it's impossible to grasp the impact of pornography on
relationships without considering the role of the Internet. Years ago, finding
new and titillating erotica was a time-consuming chore.In the last couple of
decades, though, the range of graphic material available online has
exponentially accelerated the appeal and use of porn. Trying to explain the
effect of the Internet on porn consumption, sex researcher Al Cooper has written
that the driving force is the "Triple-A engine of Access, Affordability, and
Anonymity." While it may take alcohol 30 years to ruin an alcoholic's health,
only a year's worth of heavy cocaine use can lead to a total mental and physical
collapse. Now, for some porn users, the Internet has become a kind of virtual
cocaine.
Yet, despite the undeniable harm that porn can do, we therapists need to bear
in mind a fundamental fact: the overwhelming majority of people exposed to it
don't become addicts. Patrick Carnes's research shows that sexual addiction
affects three to five percent of adults, suggesting that porn use isn't about to
turn us into a country of addicts glued to their computer screens. Further,
assuming that porn inevitably leads to addiction can blind us to understanding
its nonpathological appeal to so many people-most of them men who are quite
normal in every other way. It can make it harder for us to accept that, in many
relationships, porn use may satisfy needs that have nothing to do with
psychological pathology or sexual dysfunction.
In fact, noted sex researcher
Helen Fisher argues that the brain-inhibiting effects of antidepressants pose a
much graver threat to couples' sexuality than porn. She even advises couples to
go on the Internet and look at porn as a kind of hormone booster, arguing that
porn "drives up dopamine levels, which drives up your testosterone."
To be sure, porn use is permeated with a sense of the forbidden that triggers
intense emotion, but as therapists, we need to understand it on a case-by-case
basis and be careful to separate our own biases from our clients' needs.
To
begin to see porn in a more normalizing light, it can be helpful to understand
the ways in which porn can be incorporated into a relationship without
secretiveness or shame.
Many gay male couples I know, both in and out of therapy, consider porn a
fact of life-obvious testimony to the reality that one partner's world of sexual
desire can extend beyond the other partner's ability, or willingness, to satisfy
it and the person's own need to enact it. In these couples, partners discuss
each other's porn stashes without a sense of dismay or anger, sometimes even
with a bit of amusement. "He's into that, but it's just not my thing," one
partner might say. "But if it gets him off when I'm not available or in the
mood, that's fine with me." In many gay couples, the use of porn is transparent
and nonthreatening, an expression of each other's different sexual tastes,
rather than an indictment of the other person.
In my work with gay couples, I typically see more open sharing of sexual
interests and dislikes from the beginning of their relationships than I do with
most straight couples. In most gay couples, porn isn't usually seen as
detracting from the couple's sexual connection, especially if they agree on
"house rules" together: the forms of porn that'll be used, whether or not other
people are involved via chat rooms and webcams, and the use of public forums,
such as sexual bulletin boards and fetish groups. Sometimes I hear that my male
clients watch porn together, but often each partner understands that he has some
sexual appetites that don't include his partner, and that he can satisfy these
in fantasy without undermining the trust level within the relationship.
It's been well established that men and woman differ markedly in their
response to erotic material. Generally speaking, the popularity of Internet
pornography is overwhelming testimony to the importance of visual stimulation to
men and the restless search for sexual novelty that so many men find exciting.
Whether through innate wiring or social conditioning, women appear to be more
relational in their consumption of erotically stimulating material. Even the
erotic entertainment aimed at a female audience, a growing component within the
porn industry, relies far more on plot, storyline, and character than the
typical display of raw sexuality and primitive dominance featured in porn for
men.
Nevertheless, despite their entirely different emphasis, the erotic novels
and sexually explicit romances favored by women are also a means of
erotic-fantasy satisfaction, and express the desire to imagine a partner who's
more exciting than the person with whom they're actually sharing their bed.
Having such fantasies doesn't have to mean that, over time, a woman will betray
her husband with someone else, or that their relationship is somehow doomed. I
believe that the same holds true for most men and their use of porn.
Accordingly, open porn use introduces a relational question that most couples
never face: can both partners acknowledge an erotic sexual-fantasy world that
doesn't include the other person without undermining their sexual connection and
violating the boundaries of their relationship? Most couples never confront this
question, but the porn explosion of recent years has produced increasing numbers
of couples who, for whatever reason, can't avoid dealing with it, and they're
coming into our offices seeking help.
To continue click here ____________________________________________________________ |
If you enjoy our introductory class on December 7, 2009 we then hope you might join us for our 4 week class for therapists through the Psychotherapy Networker. Click here for more information.
T901 Depathologizing Porn
Learn how to help couples understand
the meaning of porn use from each partner's perspective and negotiate a mutually
satisfactory way to deal with it, when appropriate.
Joe Kort, L.M.S.W., and Tammy Nelson,
M.S.
Dates: Thursdays, January 14, 21, 28; February
4
Time: 12:00 PM to 1:00 PM
EST
CE Credits: 4 hours
Fee: $85; Online Member Discount: $75
Even though Internet porn has become ubiquitous in our society, many of us
(including therapists) still tend to view its use as a symptom of sexual
addiction or deviancy, a form of marital infidelity, and/or a serious threat to
the relationship. But there are multiple reasons that people use porn, and it
can have many meanings. In this course, you'll learn how to help couples face
and weather the immediate crisis when a spouse discovers that the other spouse
(usually the man) is secretly using pornography. We'll explore how to help
couples depathologize the issue and investigate what it means in terms of three
basic reasons most men seek out porn, as well as potential problems associated
with each. We'll talk about helping the spouses develop empathy and validation
for each other and, finally, create a more differentiated sex life together,
which balances shared intimacy and privacy.
Meet the Instructors
Joe Kort, L.M.S.W., specializes in individual, couples, and group
psychotherapy for gay and straight clients. He's a certified Imago Relationship
therapist and the author of Gay Affirmative Therapy for the Straight Clinician:
The Essential Guide.
Tammy Nelson, M.S., is the founder and executive
director of the Center for Healing. She's the author of Getting the Sex You Want
and What's Eating You? She is a Certified Sexologist, Licensed Professional
Counselor and Certified Imago Therapist.
Course Contents
Session 1: Sex, Infidelity, and Internet Addiction: Is It a
Relationship Issue? � Defining pornography, infidelity, and sexual addiction �
Three reasons men go online � Masturbation � How paraphilias are a factor (20:1
male to female ratio) � Internet relationships � Differences between compulsion,
addiction, and non-pathological pornography use � Sexual and emotional
infidelity--differences for men and women, gays and straight � The triple-A
engine of access, affordability, and anonymity of the Internet
Session 2: Infidelity, Affairs, Monogamy � How women view
porn and why � The stages of relationships � Defining infidelity and negotiating
monogamy � The monogamy spectrum � The erotic curiosity spectrum �
Compartmentalization � Secrecy versus privacy � Can porn help couples remain
monogamous? � Courtship disorders � Erotic rage � Betrayal � Keeping secrets
Session 3: Internet Addiction, Social Networking, Cheating
Online � What is porn trauma? � What is sexual neglect? � Recovery from porn
trauma and interpersonal sexual neglect � The three sexual scripts--procreative,
relational, and recreational � Cracking the code of porn � Sexual cathexis to
porn; what it looks like � Long-term affects of porn use � When is the
relationship at risk? � Betrayal bonds � Trauma repetition
Session 4: Treatment Interventions � Projections as the
therapist � Therapist's values � Transparency � Healthy porn, healthy sex � When
porn is okay for men, women, or couples � Why are some men interested in
fantasies that don't include their wives? � When to intervene � What does
recovery look like? � Individual recovery, couple recovery � Erotic recovery �
Follow the erotica road � Opportunity for differentiation
Learning Objectives
1. Discuss how couples can work together to understand the role pornography
plays between partners and whether it's use is symptomatic of something in the
individual and/or the marriage.
2. Identify the meaning and narrative behind
pornography use by depathologizing the visual and interactive styles of Internet
porn.
3. Demonstrate how to guide couples through validation and empathy and
away from reactivity stemming from resentment and intolerance, which can lead to
conflict, frustration, and break-up.
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