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Bitter or Better, Victim or Victor, Failure or Freedom? The Bottom Line...
Every time we do something in life and in our career with an expectation of how we want it to turn out, we risk disappointment. Whether it is a relationship expected to last, a promotion expected to come or a job we expected to keep, when things do not go as we planned, disappointment results.
Disappointment is also a gift that provides the opportunity to see and accept reality, wisdom and gives us the energy to begin again. It is easy to get stuck in the place of seeing our world through the eyes of how we want it to be. Getting grounded in the realities of our life and careers enables us to get clear about what we need to do not only for us but also for those around us to truly create what we want for ourselves reality.
How do we make sure that we are not setting ourselves up for disappointment and even then, when disappointment does happen, how do we move past it? The answers to these two questions are remarkable the same! And the power lies not in the answers, but rather in the questions that we continue to ask ourselves.
1) Reality
The first key to working through disappointment is getting clear about reality - real reality. There is a big risk that when we are let down we can go to either "dark" reality or "bubble" reality. Dark reality is when our emotions cause us to see things as much worse than they really are. "Bubble" reality is when instead of being able to see reality we replace our old self-deception with a new self-deception based on how we want things to be now.
Key to working through disappointment is to keep asking ourselves two Reality questions: "what is the truth of the situation now?" and "is this real or am I making this up?"
Also critical is that we ask and share our answers to these questions with those also impacted by the disappointment. Examples are talking to our children about the loss of a relationship is not being their fault, or talking with our spouses about the real financial situation in the face of job loss as well as talking with our managers about the disappointments in our careers. Just as in anything, in the absence of truthful conversation, we and others will make thing up. Things that we and others make up are not reality.
2) Accountability
The second key to working through disappointment is getting clear about what it is we are and are not accountable for. What we are not accountable for are the actions of others. When we are disappointed by an act or behavior of another, we are not responsible for it. The other person or organization who completed the act is. Even knowing this, we can start to question and blame ourselves.
Key to working through disappointment is to keep asking ourselves the following two Accountability questions: "what are my core values?" and "how can I choose to honor them fully even in the face of disappointment?"
We are responsible only for the integrity of our own behavior. Being very clear about what is most important to us and how we can fully show up in our values and commitments enable us to remain accountable to ourselves. Burning bridges as we leave organizations or managers or relationships most often results in regret as it pulls us out of being in integrity with the person that we want to be.
3) Intention
The third key to working through disappointment is getting clear about our intentions. As with any feeling, disappointment has come to us for a reason, and we do not need to fear acknowledging or feeling it. The gift of disappointment is its ability to bring us into alignment with reality so that we do not get stuck too long in the realm of how things might have been.
Key to working through disappointment is to keep asking ourselves the following two Intention questions: "what is it that I am feeling?" and "what is it that I can learn from this experience?"
Setting our intentions to fully be with what we are feeling to get the gift from the experience is a prerequisite to really letting go of it. What we resist, persists. If we push away or deny the feelings that disappointment has caused, we might direct these feeling inward toward ourselves or outward towards others. The wisdom only comes with our willingness to truly be with what it is we are feeling. 4) Attention
The fourth and final key to working through disappointment that I will share today is getting clear about where we need to place our attention and actions. To do this well, requires that we first get clear about our real reality, our real accountability and our real intentions. Choosing to act before we have this clarity will most likely not bring us to where we want or need to be.
Key to working through disappointment is to keep asking ourselves the following two Attention questions: "what is it that I most need now?" and "what is it that those around me most need now from me?"
A big part of effectively processing disappointment is healing. Setting our attention on our personal self-care and the care of others key to our intentions is where our attention must be placed before we can attend to more. A great example of not doing so is those jumping into job search before healing from the pain caused by the loss or disappointments from the previous job experience.
The bottom line.. The real reality is that disappointment is a naturally part of life. When we look back at other disappointments and how we have moved past them, we may even see that in some cases what happened was actually better in the long run than what we had wanted to happen. The bottom line is knowing that as with all that our lives and careers bring to us, including disappointment, we can't go over it, we can't go under it, we can't go around it...
we must go through it! How can you support your clients as they "go through" theirs? | 
