As soon as someone irritates me -- or I should say, as soon as I realize I'm feeling irritated around someone -- I begin to search my heart and mind for an example of a time that I behaved the same way. Sometimes it's crystal clear -- like butting into a conversation that is not my business. Other times it's a bit more obscure.
For instance, many years ago a fellow student in my favorite yoga class used to bug the ever-living-crap out of me. I did not like her at all and wished she would go away. She always seemed to have some special story about what was wrong with her that day and after class she usually monopolized the teacher's time.
I found all of this horrifically rude and annoying. Fortunately, I had matured enough to keep that opinion to myself. A friend suggested I think about what it was she was doing that reminded me of something in myself I did not like.
My jaw fell open. I was very close to being offended by the notion that I had ever been as rude or thoughtless as this woman. But this friend happened to be quite wise and said that she practiced it on herself. So I thought about it with an open mind.
I soon discovered that what really annoyed me about her behavior was that she was always bringing in some kind of drama to monopolize the room and the teacher. She had no real consideration for the presence of others in the class and seemed unable to manage herself in such a way that would leave space for anyone else's needs.
I was all by my lonesome when I made this realization but I'm pretty sure I turned beet red. I had done virtually the same thing myself hundreds of times in my life. I had recently come to understand just how selfish and obnoxious it was and I didn't like that I could be so icky.
By acknowledging my own failing, I could think about the factors in my life that led me to act that way in the past. The reasons were fairly complex and, without justifying my unacceptable choices, I could see I had done the best I could with the tools I had at the time. I could also appreciate that what irritated me so much about this woman was my own disrespectful nature being mirrored back at me. Sure, she may have been out of line. But perhaps it would be a better use of my time to take my focus off of her and instead bring the focus back to whatever I needed to amend in myself to be more of the person I wanted to be.
Even after this deep awareness, I never did form a friendship with her and that is perfectly fine. And, yes, I even continued to find her kind of unpleasant. But I stopped judging her and feeling superior to her. I was able to realize that my problem with her was just that: my problem. In so doing, she ceased to have power over my comfort level in class and I got on with my yoga -- and my life.
Care to give it a try?
Upon reflection, the fact that stuff bugged me wasn't that big of a deal. It was the way I handled it that caused some, ahem, conflict. My reactions to being bothered were rooted in a self-righteous belief that I had been wronged, or that I deserved better, or that the other person was out of line. Once I determined that something happened that I seriously did not like, I had no problem getting in almost anyone's face about it.
