"How To Be Happy" Newsletter  November 2011

How Pleasure is not Happiness 

Everyone wants to be happy. Most people, however, try to achieve happiness through pleasure.  Pleasures are usually temporary and transitory - they only satisfy the mind and the senses. Happiness, on the other hand, comes from the natural joy inherent in the soul and is ever present.  Let me explain the difference.

Pleasure comes from external sources, such as a holiday in Hawaii, a meal at a restaurant with friends, or buying a new house.  But these events can lead to frustration and displeasure in no time if the weather doesn't cooperate in Hawaii, the meal isn't tasty, the friends turn out to be bad company, or if the new house comes with unexpected expenses. The experience of pleasure is very dependent on circumstances being just right!

Happiness may be influenced by pleasure but is not dependent on pleasure. It is an inner state of mind characterized by peace, joy and evenness of mind.  It is a way of "being" in the world rather than a way of "doing or getting".  It embraces both joy and sorrow with the same sense of equanimity.

Many people have a lot of pleasure in their lives but remain unhappy. Let's look at Travis. He consulted me because of his difficulty sleeping and his mounting anxiety and negative thinking.  Travis is a busy entrepreneur with three businesses that are doing very well.  He has a great relationship with his wife, who has been an important source of support in his career. He also has two well-adjusted kids in high school.

In Travis's own words: " I really don't understand why I feel this way. I have a great life, I have achieved everything I ever wanted, but no matter where I get to, deep inside I feel an ache, a sense of emptiness and loneliness." 
Travis has many pleasures in his life, but he doesn't feel happy.

I'm not suggesting we should not seek pleasure.  But it can be unhealthy when people who suffer from anxiety and depression try to heal themselves by seeking out more pleasure, such as through getting another degree, spending more time at the spa, or finding another job to make more money.  These pursuits can never bring complete relief from anxiety and depression because they are still centered on satisfying the senses and the mind's need for security.  Focusing on external undertakings and trying to "do and get more" can lead to exhaustion and burnout.

Just as the achievement of physical fitness requires effort and practice, so does the achievement of happiness. Happiness must be cultivated, and there are three requirements for cultivating a state of happiness:

1. The first effort involves purifying the mind of negative toxins such as greed, envy, entitlement, self-centeredness, hatred, meanness, arrogance and jealousy.  These are like weeds that have grown in the garden of our minds because they have been left unattended. Our mind operates very much out of habit.  If we don't consciously change the negative thought patterns in our mind, the weeds will only increase. So we must examine our thoughts through introspection, and be truthful and honest with ourselves.

2. Secondly, we must practice stillness and silence so we can connect with the happiness within us.  The good news about happiness is that we don't need to buy it from a store, nor does it come through fame or fortune. Happiness can be achieved just by sitting quietly with ourselves. Contemplative practices to help quiet the mind such as meditation, prayer, mindfulness and single minded concentration are designed to help us find the joy within us.

3. And the last requirement is service.  When we are of service to others, we find our own needs satisfied and our happiness multiplied. Service is not sacrifice.  It comes from a heart that overflows with joy and happiness. We don't need to do anything remarkable, be famous or be in a helping profession. Small acts of thoughtfulness and kindness such as kind words of support or a simple thank you card will rejoice the heart more than any major achievements of success.

I see how often people's lives and work have become devoid of love and joy and replaced with the pursuit of pleasure and personal gratification.  In my experience as a psychotherapist I believe that these are principal reasons we suffer so much with anxiety and depression.  Mother Teresa once said, "You may be exhausted with work, you may even kill yourself, but unless your work is interwoven with love, it is useless.  To work without love is slavery".

 
Travis came to realize that his "life on the treadmill" as he put it, was exhausting him.  Together we explored and resolved some of the ghosts from his past that sustained some of his insecurities and kept him "doing and running". He also started a practice to help focus and quiet his mind and changed his schedule to allow for more quality time with his family.  Travis's sleep has improved and his anxiety levels have significantly decreased.  "I'm starting to feel more joy in my life" said Travis in our last session. 

Written by: