Who's in bed sleeping next to you?

Sometimes the person you share your bed with can feel like more of a stranger than your work colleagues, friends or therapist! You and your spouse can know less about each other than other people you care much less about.   Really letting yourself be seen and known and taking the time to know the other is the foundation of true friendship.  And research has shown that marital friendship is a cornerstone of a strong healthy marriage.

My own professional and personal experience has taught me that developing marital friendship requires two important skills: self-awareness and self-validation.  However, before I explain this further, let's look at what good friends do together: they laugh, they gossip, and they feel comfortable sharing their innermost thoughts, feelings and the significant events in their lives.  Good friends know and trust each other deeply and are loyal to one another.

To effectively reveal to another person our innermost thoughts, feelings and beliefs, we first need to know what these are for ourselves.  To this end, self-awareness can be considered a pre-requisite for developing a deep friendship.  Unfortunately for many of us, this skill has gone dormant and may need to be re-awakened!  After all, if we are not close and connected to ourselves, we won't know how to communicate in a way that creates closeness with another. 

 
The second skill is self-validation.  Self-validation is the ability to validate our own thoughts and feelings without needing the approval and acceptance of others. Self-validation means we believe and trust that what we have to say is worthy, important and meaningful.  And that this holds true even if we don't get the response we would have liked from our partner. 

When we are able to self-validate, we are more able and willing to stay present and engaged in difficult conversations.  In self-validating interactions, we don't disclose for the purpose of having the other take care of our needs or make it all better, but rather to give ourselves a chance to move closer, to be seen, and to feel proud of how we are interacting. We validate ourselves by showing up as who we are.

If we don't self validate we may only be willing to disclose to our partner when we believe he/she will respond to us in a certain way.   If we don't receive the response we were hoping for, we may decide to shut down communication, which then hampers our ability to know one another fully.

In the early stages of relationships, people often report how easy and comfortable it was talking to each other for hours.  However, over time, this often changes.  The demands of modern life as well as the lack of attention to our own negative reactions such as defensiveness, criticism or blame, can begin to interfere with our ability to stay in touch.

In addition, when conversations are difficult we can easily disengage and begin to blame our partner for not responding effectively.  We may gradually stop taking an interest in our partner's daily life and stop making an effort to connect.  Soon we may ask; "who is this person I am living and sleeping with?" You might ask; "have we fallen out of love or have we just grown apart?"

Perhaps some questions you might want to ask yourself include; "have I made the effort to know and understand my partner; have I made the space for her/him to reveal their innermost thoughts and feelings; have I listened carefully and non- judgmentally; have I recognized the risks my partner may be taking in self-disclosing personal information; have I been honest in showing who I really am rather than who I think I should be?

If you feel that your partner doesn't know you and doesn't listen, you might want to start examining your delivery and your own ability to listen.  A word of caution: I am well aware that no matter what someone does there are some people who, because of their own background, their trauma or Attention Deficit Disorder seem unresponsive regardless of your efforts.  This might be a subject for a further newsletter.  Regardless of the specific situation, life has taught me that most people respond to kindness, interest and understanding. 

The most profound gift of a relationship, in my opinion, is the gift of feeling known and understood.  This is very healing.  However, to achieve this, we cannot wait for conditions to be just right for us.  We must create the conditions.  I have often heard clients say to me "you (me, the therapist) know me better than anyone else, even my spouse."  When I hear that, I begin to redirect their efforts to opening themselves to their partner.

If you want a truly fulfilling and meaningful marriage, then your spouse should be your best friend.  You should look forward and be more eager to do things together than with anyone else. 

So here is where you might start: Make a commitment to creating several "rituals of connection" that you can partake in throughout each day. These connections should be positive verbal interactions with your spouse where you share something personal and intimate about yourself.  For example, you might talk about a dream you had or a concern about an upcoming event or how you feel about the news that your co-worker is ill. Phone mid-morning to share how your day is going and then again mid-afternoon just to say hello.  When you reconnect at the end of the day, make it a point to greet your spouse before you get to your email or retrieve the phone messages.  Of course you will most likely interact on practical matters such as who's picking up the kids, or what to have for dinner.  However, even practical matters can turn into a connection ritual if you add something personal to the encounter.

These rituals are designed to help you and your spouse adjust your priorities and to put your marriage first.  The more you prioritize your spouse, the more you will know him/her and develop a deep marital friendship. 

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