Tell me that you love me.
Do you remember the movie Ghosts? In this movie, Demi Moore would tell Patrick Swayze she loved him, and his answer to her was always "ditto". Well, sorry folks, but this just won't cut it if you want a great marriage. You have to say the words "I love you"!
After 35 years of research in his 'Love Lab', Psychologist John Gottman confirmed that one of the key ingredients in a happy marriage is the frequent sharing of words of affection, appreciation and admiration. This is one of the seven principal factors that Gottman tells us make up a great marriage: fondness and admiration. To help sustain and maintain this key component of your relationship you need to share with your partner what you appreciate about them (their intelligence, sense of humour, caring, reliability). You must find time and ways to say "I love you", "I adore you" and let your partner know that you are their greatest 'fan'.
Keeping this part of your marriage alive doesn't happen by itself. You must make consistent, and I believe daily, efforts to show your partner you like them, you enjoy them and that they are special to you. After all, when your relationship began, it was easy and natural to give compliments and talk about how much the other person meant to you. However, like many of the couples I see, you may have simply lost this ability. Although you still honour and respect your partner, you likely don't take the time to convey this.
I also see couples who simply don't realize how important this is or lack the skill to communicate in this way. As an example, when Lydia once told her husband in my office "I want you to tell me what you appreciate about me, not just that I look good" he said "I didn't know you wanted that". There are partners who feel uneasy and too vulnerable in displaying such affection. They might say things like, "I don't have to tell her I love her, she knows that" or "I shouldn't have to say that kind of stuff." Unfortunately, this just won't fly.
These little words of affection serve as rituals of connection between you and are what actually keeps the passion and romance alive in your marriage. It's not the big trips or the expensive jewelry. If the pilot light isn't always on between you through these small daily interactions, you won't be able to ignite a big fire on a fancy holiday! More importantly, these rituals serve as a powerful buffer when things get tough because they provide a reserve of good feeling, respect, and acceptance in your emotional bank account. Then when you face challenges in your relationship, you are less likely to get stuck in such catastrophic thinking such as; "our marriage is over because we're having an argument".
A very large survey of divorced people revealed that, in hindsight, the most common reason sited for the breakdown of their marriage was that they took it for granted. They didn't nurture what they once had.
My recipe for the couples I work with is to tell your partner daily some words of love, affection and appreciation. Never assume it's not necessary or that your partner doesn't need it. Remember, love is a verb. It's a decision to act a certain way. This ritual of connection allows you to "make love" daily in your marriage and re-create the passion that was there when you met. Your partner is still who she/he was when you first fell in love, but your interactions have changed. So start today and tell your partner the things you value in them and thank them for these things. This way you will start creating the kind of relationship you want.
