Guilt is our teacher, love is our lesson.

Guilt is one of the most prevalent and painful emotions that people with anxiety and depression experience. It makes us worry and blame ourselves for things that are not our fault, our responsibility or even our business. It makes us become compulsive helpers, constantly apologizing for ourselves and avoiding conflict because we can't stand having people angry at us. It makes us worry about being selfish and prevents us from being able to receive compliments. Finally, it makes it hard to say no.

Author Joan Borysenko said that "...guilt is an autoimmune disease of the soul that causes us to literally reject our own worth as human beings." Indeed, guilt makes us feel bad about almost everything we do because there is always self-criticism attached to it, a voice that says we could always do things better.

To cover our guilt we set up rules and expectations for ourselves and others on how to be. These are usually fraught with "shoulds" and "musts" that can make our life rigid: "I have to exercise everyday, eat a perfect diet, work many hours, never rely on anyone, always be right. I have to be perfect. I must never make a mistake or fail."

Let's consider Talia's situation for a moment. Talia is a compulsive helper. She always feels it's her responsibility to fix everyone else's problems. She always makes herself available to anyone who needs her at any time. But this lending hand is coming more from a place of fear. She's afraid that if she doesn't sacrifice herself for everyone, she won't have anyone around her and she'll end up alone. She has no boundaries and can't say no. Consequently, she often feels that people are taking advantage of her. Once in a while she erupts and really chews someone out. Afterward, she feels totally guilty, and bad about what she's done.

In these moments, Talia's actions are based on mistaken beliefs that she isn't worthy enough for others to want to be in her life for who she is rather than what she does. The problem is that her reactions perpetuate those negative thoughts that come from her conditioning, because what she does when she erupts is indeed unkind and that reinforces her negative beliefs about herself.

Remorse on the other hand is the voice of our conscience. Conscience is our compass for truth, morality and love. Remorse is the recognition that we have acted in ways that are  wrong or hurtful. Remorse impels us to take reparative actions to correct our mistakes.

Guilt is what happens when we don't follow our conscience. We know we shouldn't steal, drink or say those hurtful comments, but we do it anyway. In this way guilt silences our conscience.

When we don't listen to guilt and act out in ways that go against our conscience, we can start to "feel bad" about our behaviour.  But "bad" is not a feeling, it's a thought. Mistaken negative thoughts or beliefs regarding our self-worth cause us to feel shame.  Shame always underlies guilt. Whereas guilt is the painful feeling we experience when we regret our actions, shame is the painful feeling we experience when we feel bad about ourselves.

"I am bad" is a mistaken belief that we can become trapped in. When we think to ourselves "I am bad", it can make us believe that we are unworthy, inadequate and not good enough and make us afraid that we will be punished, be it by humans, law, karma or God.

The only way to heal guilt is through love-that is, loving ourselves as much as others. The problem is we can't love or feel good about ourselves if we act in ways that are wrong or that hurt others. When Talia is acting out due to fear, it makes it difficult for her to feel good about herself.

When we feel bad about ourselves we act bad. When we act bad, we either withdraw and avoid others or we attack, become defensive and blame.

Let's take a look now at Alana. Alana is a perfectionist. Her in-laws are coming for the weekend, and she wants to show them that she's a great daughter-in-law, so she insists on doing all the cooking and cleaning herself and doesn't let them contribute in any way. This is because she doesn't believe she has a right to ask for what she needs. Her core belief is that her needs don't matter. She's hoping that by doing all the work, she'll prove to them that she's good. The problem is that by the end of the weekend, she's angry, exhausted and resentful that she had to do everything herself. Eventually, she takes it out on her kids. This results in her feeling guilty, reinforcing her negative beliefs.

 
Alana needed to let her in-laws help out. Talia needed to set boundaries with her time. Guilt was their teacher saying "what you are doing isn't working. If you didn't believe those negative thoughts about yourself how would you act?"  Guilt reminded them that they were not acting from the best in them.

The first step to healing guilt is to change the way we act.  Changing the way we act isn't easy. Everyone wants to be free from guilt, but very few are willing to do what it takes. Given the choice, we almost always choose our conditioned habits over what we know is best for us to do. It's always a choice between our conditioning and our conscience, between fear and love.  We get stuck in guilt because we choose what is familiar rather than face the discomfort of doing something new.

This is why for alcoholics, abstinence is non-negotiable. You can't go on a binge and ever hope to recover your sense of self-worth. It just can't happen. For the alcoholic, drinking always leads to further shame.  Therefore, the key to being able to change our behaviour is willingness. We must first want to and be willing to change our behaviour.

It's true that it's hard to take responsibility for guilt because we "feel so bad". But remember: Guilt is the teacher that tells us that we are not acting from truth. Guilt wants us to recover our sense of worth, but we cannot do that externally. It must come from within us. It cannot come from the approval and accolades of others, but from our own. The only praise or blame we truly accept in the end is from ourselves. No one can take away my guilt but me.

Recovery from guilt is not just a psychological process but a spiritual one, because it forces us to learn the lessons of love, and love, is the essential meaning of our existence.

Written by:

Claire Maisonneuve, MA.

Registered Clinical Counsellor
Director of the Alpine Anxiety & Stress Relief Clinic

(Names and any identifying characteristics in all cases have been changed to protect and preserve privacy and anonymity.  The stories represent composites of people struggling with the issues discussed.)