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Do you accept your partner's influence?
When my husband gets a social invitation for us from friends or family, his reply is always the same: "Thanks, that sounds great, let me talk to Claire and I'll get back to you to let you know if that works for us". It's called accepting influence. My husband always consults with me and gets my feedback and preferences before making any decisions and vice versa.
On the other hand, when Charles gets an invitation he thinks would be fun, and fits "his" schedule, he readily accepts and then proceeds to inform his wife Ruth of what "they" will be doing on Saturday night, without consulting with her!
According to marriage psychologist and researcher John Gottman accepting influence is one of the most determining factors of a successful marriage.
When you allow your partner to influence you, it means you involve your partner in the decision making process of anything that pertains to both of you or that can have an impact on your spouse or the family.
It conveys to your partner the message that "they are important, their opinion, wishes and desires matter to you and that their contribution is valued". It makes your partner feel that what they say counts for you.
Long term studies of couples have found that men who allow their wives to influence them, have happier and more stable marriages and are less likely to divorce than men who resist their wives influence.
Statistics have shown that men are more likely to resist sharing power and decision making with their wives and when this happens there is an 81 percent chance that the marriages will self-destruct.
Now what about women! Well, research has shown that the vast majority of wives, even in unstable marriages, are often more willing to accept influence from their husbands.
When couples try to argue a point and men complain that their wives are not listening, women are more likely to respond by saying "sorry, I'm listening now" or "It's really hard to listen to you right now...".
However, when women complain that their husbands are not listening, men often respond by either ignoring them, becoming defensive "I AM listening", becoming critical, "you're not making any sense right now" or by being contemptuous, "you're wasting my time". These reactions are all signs of a husband resisting his wife's influence. Rather than acknowledging his wife's feelings he refuses to consider any opinion and obliterates her point of view.
Accepting influence is about honor and respect. You married your partner because you liked and admired him/her but now your fears may be getting in the way.
Often I find that in couples where one partner doesn't accept influence, that partner doesn't even realize that this is what they are doing. They are so busy trying to preserve a sense of control and power because they feel insecure and afraid of not being good enough or being alone. The problem is that this resistance to share power is exactly what perpetuates and maintains that fear, because those individuals do keep people at a distance by showing disrespect.
When you feel entitled to have things your way and consistently think that your ideas are better than your partner's, believe that you have to be right and have the final word because you have more knowledge or experience, then you are creating a wedge in your connection with your partner. In extreme cases I have seen partners make life-altering decisions like accepting a new job in a different province or country, remortgaging their house or lending large sums of money without consulting their spouse. This is experienced as a betrayal and may never get repaired.
Ruth and Charles had been working on house renovations and Ruth had done lots of research on what kind of carpet would be best for their situation. Charles wouldn't take the time to hear her findings or would dismiss them. The following week when they were at a party, the topic of carpets came up with their neighbors who shared their opinion with Charles - which happened to mirror Ruth's findings. Charles not only fully agreed with them but turned to Ruth and suggested they follow that advice. Well, that was unfortunately the last nail in the coffin for Ruth. Repeated unsuccessful attempts to be heard left her feeling despondent and she finally left the marriage. Charles still couldn't understand what the problem was.
Basically when we don't accept influence from others we don't have much influence on others.
When men listen to their spouses and consider their perspective they are more likely to come up with a solution or an approach to a problem that satisfies both. This leads to an easier compromise and an overall more meaningful life because of the positive connection that it fosters. The absence of power struggles also indicates a husband who is willing to learn from his wife. These husbands are shown to make outstanding fathers because they are willing to listen to and really get to know their kids.
Here is an experiment for you: Make a list or 5 decisions that YOU are responsible for in your family on a regular basis. For example: vacations, children's schooling, entertainment plans, children's play dates. Next to these decisions think of the extent to which you include your spouse in those decisions. Do you never include him/her, include a little or include a lot? Now make more of an effort to include your partner in those decisions.
To create a fulfilling and happy marriage it's essential to involve your spouse in your decisions and let your spouse influence you. The point is not to make the right decision but rather to get intimately involved in each other's life so you can create a stronger connection.
Written by:
Claire Maisonneuve, MA.
Registered Clinical Counsellor
Director of the Alpine Anxiety & Stress Relief Clinic | 
