The Root of Conflict
The reasons we fight can be boiled down to one fundamental root cause: the fear of loss, which is experienced as separation or disconnection from another or one's self.
It doesn't matter what we are fighting about, whether it's my spouse who won't listen to my advice, who nags me or drinks too much. Or my teenager won't do what he's suppose too, or my friend who won't talk to me.
Regardless of all the different feelings (hurt, anger, frustration, rage and anxiety) these varying scenarios can trigger, beneath it all is the universal fear of losing the sense of love and connection. Losing the connection will be experienced in one of two ways: either as a fear of abandonment (the fear of rejection, humiliation, invalidation, criticism), or the fear of inundation (the fear of being trapped, controlled, smothered, suffocated or boxed in).
In our fear of abandonment we fear the loss of another person's approval, affection, attention and love. In our fear of inundation we fear the loss of ourselves, the loss of authentic expression of who and what we are and of our ability to stand up for ourselves.
All of us experience each of these fears to different degrees at different times. And some of us may be more prone to feeling abandoned while others may be more prone to feeling inundated. To cope with the anxieties that these fears trigger in us we create protective ways of being that often develop into rigid patterns of behaviours, which dictate the many ways we interact with others in life.
These behaviours are what I refer to in my work as a person's "character style", (which is completely different from your character as a person). "Character style" concerns the specific behaviours we engage in with the purpose of protecting ourselves from experiencing the pain that comes from feeling abandoned or inundated. These rigid patterns of behaviours are for the most part completely unconscious, automatic and habitual ways of acting.
These strategies were cleverly and rightfully developed early in our childhood to try to help us gain either the connection or the distance we needed to care for ourselves. However, as adults these very behaviours are precisely what will stand in our way of getting the love and affection we want from another.
People with greater fear of abandonment want more closeness with their partner and tend to be preoccupied with the health and security of the bond in their relationship. This group often has a continual need to be with others and they tend to depend on relationships for their sense of well being. In their eagerness to maintain a close bond and avoid any separation, they may infringe on the physical and emotional boundaries of others by feeling entitled to their partner's every thought and detail of their partner's life. They may frequently try to get reassurance by asking "is something wrong, are you upset with me, are you thinking of leaving me, do you still love me?". Yet, no matter how much reassurance they get from their partner, it's never enough to appease them. That's why this "character style" is often referred to as the "never enougher". Never enougher's might hold on to abusive relationships longer than is healthy, believing that if they could just do one more little thing they would make it perfert.
For example, Hugh struggles in his relationship because he becomes so completely upset with Melissa when she won't let him know where she is, what she is thinking, feeling, wanting or doing. If she is late or she doesn't feel like having sex, he feels completely devastated. He can't tolerate any disagreements as he fears this signals the end of their relationship and readily admits, he's willing to do anything so that Melissa doesn't leave him. The more he infringes on her personal space as an attempt to bond and get close to Melissa, the more she feels inundated and withdraws. Thus, Hugh's fear of being abandoned gets reinforced.
On the other end of the spectrum, the key to those who tend to have higher levels of inundation fear is lack of breathing room. "I need my space" is their popular refrain. These people tend to be more independent, separate and removed. They have a tendency to keep others at arm's length and don't really feel like they "need" others to feel fulfilled. They are apt to be a little more cold and distant in relationship and easily feel suffocated by too much closeness. Because they are likely to be more cut off and disconnected from their feelings, they will easily push themselves beyond healthy limits and expect others to do so as well. These people are referred to as the "super trouper" character style.
Super troupers are liable to set rigid boundaries in their life and organize their life in a regimented way. They think, and speak, more in terms of absolutes like "always or never" and see life in terms of black and white. They often make their own rules and do "what they want - when and how they want".
Sylvia described herself as "feeling a little detached from people. "I like being independent and running my life and doing as I please. I don't need to be emotionally close to people other than my husband." Sylvia's aloofness may give her the distance she wants, however it also keeps her feeling lonely in relationship.
When, in relationship, one partner is battling for more closeness while the other is battling for more breathing room, it can make it difficult to feel connected and attuned to each other. Misinterpretations of the other's "real" motives for their behaviour are very likely to occur.
Those who have equal amounts of both abandonment and inundation anxiety, are referred to as "As if'ers". While high abandonment people are hyper aware of what they are feeling, and high inundation people don't have much connection to their feelings, "As if'ers" tend to have no idea what their feelings are. Often, they've had to give up their own feelings and needs as children to meet the emotional needs of a parent, therefore, they tend to 'adopt' the feelings of others and order their life by the feelings and wishes of others. Hence, they behave "as-if" because they don't know, themselves, what they feel. Due of this lack of authenticity, they frequently feel like a phony, or a fraud, and have a sense that they are looking at their life from the outside.
For "As if'ers", relationships are a constant back and forth, between feeling too close and suffocated, towards feeling too distant and neglected. This often keeps them paralyzed and immobilized to either commit or end a relationship.
As a means of trying to hold on to their very existence, "As ifer's" may lack the ability to commit to anything, like being on time. They can't handle being told what to do and will tend to interpret any requests as an attempt to control or criticize them. They like being in control of how to do things and are rarely open to input from others.
Jerry is a bright, charming, and successful man who longs to be in relationship with Betty. However, he gets angry and distant when he thinks Betty is trying to control him with her desire for closeness. As soon as there is harmony in their relationship Jerry will do something to trigger a fight, as an unconscious means of distancing himself, because he can't handle the feelings of closeness. Jerry has very little awareness of the impact his behaviour has on Betty and instead blames it all on her being too sensitive and taking things too personally.
Your "character style" is an automatic reactive way of engaging or disengaging with others that is a result of both your own natural predisposition combined with the circumstances of your childhood. The nature of your "character style" responses will always be with you and will not significantly differ over your lifetime, however, the intensity of these reactions can lessen and be less destructive of your relationships - if you work on yourself.
Through your own introspection and reflection you can begin to notice and inquire into the type of fear that arises for you when in conflict with others. Do you react more frequently to being rejected, criticized and ignored or to being controlled, smothered and boxed in? Then notice how this fear influences the way you respond. Are you trying to re-establish and secure the bond or are you trying to get some breathing space? With deeper understanding and awareness you can choose to modify and adapt these behaviours so that you can create more connection in your relationships in ways that are healthy and respectful.
Written by:
Claire Maisonneuve, MA.
Registered Clinical Counsellor
Director of the Alpine Anxiety & Stress Relief Clinic
