If It Hurts, It Ain't Love

We read about it in novels. We watch it in movies. We see it in the couples around us, and we hear it in songs. Love hurts. But is it really love that hurts?

Carolyn Myss said, "people don't break our hearts, they break our rules." I think she hit the nail on the head! From my experience as a therapist, I often see how partners set up unspoken rules as a means to keep the status quo, to ensure security and predictability, and to preserve the bond.

Here are some examples of the rules we set up:

If you love me, you will read my mind and know what I think, feel and want, and you will be able to give it to me without me having to ask.

If you respect me, you will agree with me and never challenge my opinions.

If I am really important to you, then you will want what I want and do what I want to do.

If you really care for me, you will never get angry if I tell you how I feel.

Ultimately the rules we set lead us to play the inevitable game we all engage in when in relationships: the game of lying! Yes, I said lying. We don't engage in this game intentionally, of course. But if we are afraid of conflict or failure or we don't want to rock the boat, we may find ourselves fudging the truth.

We may lie to our partner and ourselves for a variety of reasons.

For example, we may lie to our partner because:

• We want to please our partner: "Of course, I don't mind spending every holiday with your parents."
• We don't believe that what we want really matters: "I shouldn't be asking this of him. After all, he works all day."
• We convince ourselves our partner won't be able to handle the truth: "Why are you sighing all the time, what's wrong?" "Nothing" (Actually I feel trapped in this relationship but I can't tell you).

We may lie to ourselves:

• So that we can convince ourselves that it's not that bad, that it could be worse, and that we need to look on the bright side: "After all he doesn't drink or gamble and he has a good job."
• By ignoring the red flags: "Sure, he's moody, but who isn't at times?"
• By telling ourselves that the differences between us aren't that important: "The fact that I like to go to church every Sunday and that he's an atheist won't really matter."

We may even invite our partner to lie to us. For instance, we might say "I want the truth," while thinking to ourselves "and you are going to suffer for it if I don't like what I hear." Then when our partner attempts to tell us the truth, we might respond by ignoring it, closing it down, challenging it, being critical or sarcastic or by using a tone and body posture that may feel like an attack.  "Tell me again what you did on your trip?" (Read: and this is your last chance to make it better by telling me what I want to hear).  Often we don't really want to hear and face the truth, especially if it will shatter the illusion we have about our perfect relationship.

Ultimately, these lies are misguided attempts we make to avoid being rejected and ending up alone. The problem is that lies such as these lead to deceit, dishonesty and emotional disengagement and may eventually cause us to grow apart and be alone. Growing apart doesn't just happen because of who we are or because of our differences, it happens because of what we do with our differences. Lying, makes us sink deeper into deception, decreases our sense of self worth, and slowly erodes the connection to our partner.

Several moments each day in our relationship, we are faced with the dilemma of telling the truth or telling a lie. Sometimes when we are faced with this decision, both choices can be equally painful. Telling the truth, however, will lead to increased self-respect, integrity and engagement in your relationship because when you tell the truth, you feel better about yourself and it allows you to look your partner in the eye and stay connected and engaged.

Truth challenges us to grow because we keep discovering new aspects of ourselves that we can bring to our relationship, which in turn keeps our connection alive and passionate.

If you ever find yourself wondering if you are lying, ask yourself, "why am I saying this? What is my motive?"

Love starts with honesty with ourselves. If we can be honest with ourselves, then we can trust ourselves enough to be honest with our partner and show ourselves for who we are, not who we think we should be or who we think our partner wants us to be.

To have a truly lasting, loving relationship, we must face what we fear about ourselves and our relationship. When I see couples do this in my office, they discover that hearing the truth is not as bad as they thought and more often than not it makes them feel closer.

Love doesn't hurt. Deception does. What kind of relationship will you set up for yourself?

Written by: Claire Maisonneuve, M.A.
Registered Clinical Counsellor
Director of the Alpine Anxiety & Stress Relief Clinic