I had a good laugh once, when a police officer was quoted in the newspaper saying that every year at Christmas, when family members  that don't usually see each other the whole year, get together, have lots to drink and then suddenly remember why they don't see each other more often!  The fighting starts, to which he gets the call to resolve family disputes.

Indeed, getting together with our biological families during the holiday season can present us with yet more opportunities to differentiate.

Differentiation is the ability to maintain who you are and stand up for what you believe when interacting with people who are important to you, without caving into pressures to conform or please.

Differentiation is an ongoing process by which you define what your own thoughts, feelings, values and desires are and take the risk to express yourself authentically and openly, without relying on the approval, acceptance and validation of others.  Achieving this requires first and foremost that you manage your anxieties and fears with regard to the differences between you and those you are close to. 

 
The opposite of differentiation is fusion. Fusion is connection without individuality. When other people have different opinions, wishes or desires, you take these personally as a threat because your sense of well being is based on the approval of others.  Fusion usually means, "be like me, like what I like, believe what I believe".  You learn to be what others want or need you to be to preserve the connection. Fusion is a form of control.

As a parent, differentiation allows you to stay connected, curious, and involved with your children in ways that permit the expression of their own needs, desires, thoughts and feelings, rather than trying to change, fix, influence or withdraw.  Differentiation, allows parents to respond to their children as separate individuals, rather than as a need gratifier or an extension of themselves.

In well differentiated families, there is a healthy level of emotional separation between each of the family members.  Each member has a right to think, speak, and feel without being controlled.

If there is lack of differentiation in your family, going home for Christmas, you may be subject to comments and questions like, "oh, you're only coming for 2 days? (read: that hurts me). You gained weighed, are you still single, are you going to have kids soon? (read: this is not the way I want you to be and you are not making us look good). "Let me tell you what I have planned for you when you come" (read: what you want doesn't matter, you have to do this to please me). In these kinds of families, differences are seen more as threats rather than gifts.

It's amazing going back home how we can quickly fall back into old familiar roles and patterns of interaction that were once the norm growing up.  Whether that's the role of the black sheep, the victim, the hero, the absent one, the perfect one or the rebel.  Going back home can sometimes feel like we're in a time warp.  You're 40 years old but  with your biological family you feel and act like you're 8. 

It reminds me of what Ram Dass once said, "if you think you're enlightened, go back home for Christmas".

 
In his book called "If you had controlling parents", Dan Neuharth does a brilliant job of describing what happens when we grow up in "undifferentiated" families with controlling parents.  He lists the dynamics in healthy versus controlling families and states:  "Controlling families are organized to please, protect, and serve one or both parents, not to foster optimal growth or self-expression among family members".

Here is a sample of the questions in his book to assess the prevalence of control in your childhood growing up.

GROWING UP, did you often feel:-

• Forbidden to question or disagree with a parent?
• Pressured by excessive expectations or unattainable standards?
• Tense when one or both or your parents were around?
• Confused by parental mixed messages or unclear rules?
• Criticized more than you were encouraged or praised?
• Afraid to express anger, fear, or sadness around a parent?
• Intimidated or belittled by a parent?
• Manipulated into doing things you didn't want to?
• Sad, anxious, hurt deprived or angry?
• That physical and emotional affection were scarce in your family?
• That pleasing your parents was rewarded more than being yourself?

In RETROSPECT, did either or both of your parents often:-

• Try to dictate your thoughts, speech or morals?
• Over scrutinize your eating, sleeping, dress, or personal grooming habits?
• Interfere with your choices of school, career, friends, or lovers?
• Violate your privacy?
• Threaten to disown you for opposing their wishes?
• Withdraw love or affection when you displeased them?
• Use words like "lazy", "stupid", "ugly", "selfish", or "crazy" to describe you?
• Physically or sexually abuse you and/or allow others to do so?
• Need to be the centre of attention or try to dominate most situations?
• View the world in right-or-wrong, black-and-white terms?
• Treat emotions as things to be changed, avoided, or ignored?
• Seem perfectionistic, stoic, or driven?
• Seem unwilling to admit they were wrong?
• Seem obsessed with cleanliness, order, details, rules, or schedules?
• Seem hypersensitive to criticism?
• Seem unaware of the pain they caused you and others?

You may have tried to handle these family pressures by moving thousands of miles away from home or by cutting ties with some family members, but that never solves the problem.

The story we played out in our biological family will inevitably get replayed somewhere in our adult relationships, especially in our marriage. That's not wrong.  It's the opportunity we are given to heal the past in the present and to learn to differentiate.

Being able to identify your own patterns of interacting with those who mean the most to you is the first step towards differentiation. Counselling can be immeasurably helpful in this process.

The second step  requires that you learn the skills and develop the strength to stay in connection and present with your family members and at the same time remain emotionally separate from the hurtful and problematic habits that come up. To do this you'll need to rely less and less on the approval of your parents for your sense of well being and trust yourself.  The more you can trust yourself and not cave in to parental neediness and control the closer you can be to those you love.

David Schnarch says it this way: "Differentiation is gut wrenching emotional surgery - and what's worse is you have to perform the operation on yourself."

Differentiation is an ongoing process and leaving home emotionally can sometimes take a lifetime!