Many people I know are self proclaimed perfectionists.  Despite the stress, exhaustion and suffering this creates, they seem compelled to keep on trying.  That's because the need for perfection is actually a noble, normal and natural instinctual drive in humankind.  Striving towards the ideal of perfection is not wrong, but our definition of what constitutes perfection is more often than not misguided!

Most of us strive to become perfect in what makes us look good on the 'outside'; a slim body, a tidy house, well behaved kids, financial wealth, a fancy car.  All of which will leave us feeling empty, dissatisfied and feeling like no matter how much we do 'it's never enough'. What we should be aiming for instead is perfection of our 'character'.

Our character is based on qualities that pertain to our soul, and consists of the morals and values that guide us in how we live life and treat others.  These attributes are guided by our conscience and are based on universal principles that are part of all religions, ethical systems and social philosophies. These include: loyalty, fairness, integrity, honesty, patience, self-discipline, intuition and humility, as well as our ability to do good and not harm, to speak with kindness and understanding rather than with blame and criticism, keep our word and commitment to others, bring peace to people's lives, own our faults and practice forgiveness of self and others.

Deep within us we instinctively and intuitively know these principles to be the true and right ingredients to live a meaningful, fulfilling and purposeful life.  Instead, in pursuit of perfection, we set unrealistic expectations that we should always be happy, wealthy, and successful with the perfect body and face, well behaved and over achieving kids, immaculate houses, impressive accomplishments, and the perfect family.  These misguided and superficial ambitions keep people stuck and powerless in their lives because they can't admit the truth, lest they be viewed as imperfect.  The truths of an unhappy marriage, a daughter with an eating disorder, a depression they can't shake, the exhaustion from trying to be a super-mom, financial debts they can't keep up with, or the shame of an addiction. 

 
Perfectionism doesn't stop with oneself either, we extend our unrealistic expectations to others.  Perfectionists, tend to be highly critical of others, and feel like people are never good enough which makes it difficult for them to form close and lasting intimate relationships.  Perfectionists frequently have a sense of entitlement, which creates excessive frustration and anger when others don't live up to their expectations.  Above all they have a profound need to be right.  Which incidentally reminds me of a fantastic quote I recently read that said : "The best part about being wrong, is the joy it brings to others."

All of this 'outer' striving for perfection is based on insecurities, feelings of inadequacy and fears of being rejected, humiliated and of failing.  As a result, behaviours motivated by 'outer' perfection can leave others we interact with feeling like they don't measure up, they are wrong or just not good enough.  "See how my body looks better than yours, my child is more accomplished than yours".  Whereas, behaviours motivated by 'inner' perfection of character, will always leave others feeling accepted, valued and good enough.

Self esteem (our evaluation of our own worth) doesn't come from doing things that get us approval from others, because that approval is fleeting and doesn't mean anything to us unless we ourselves can approve of our own deeds.  True self esteem is based on getting approval from our own conscience.  When I do something, I know for myself if it was right or wrong.  No matter how many times others may say, "don't worry about it, he's the wing nut, he's the one that was wrong in the first place", my conscience knows the role I played in a conflict.  Admitting this to myself, and sometimes to another, is a pre-requisite for perfecting my character.

Nothing in this world and no approval can satisfy us, other than the acts we do out of love.  That is what gives us true lasting satisfaction, happiness and self esteem.  When I know I have acted right, then I can feel right.

Those who are self-proclaimed perfectionists, nevertheless should be proud because they have discipline, courage and perseverance.  My advice is to keep this up, just redirect the focus of your ambition.  The only goal we should strive towards, is to perfect our character through our intentions and efforts to live a morally exemplary life.  Sometimes this practice starts by admitting all the ways we don't do this well.

Make no mistake, however, this isn't the work of ten sessions of therapy or three exercises of visualization.  It's the work of a lifetime of daily discipline! 

 
We can fool others with our money, our figure, our possessions, but we can't fool others on who we are at the core.

Written by: Claire Maisonneuve, M.A.
Registered Clinical Counsellor
Director of the Alpine Anxiety & Stress Relief Clinic