How to Talk So You'll Be Heard - Part 4 of 4
Watch Your Intention
Ever since I met my husband, I have been fascinated by his ability to engage in crucial conversations and confrontations. During these interactions, he consistently delivers difficult and sensitive information and always manages to achieve a positive outcome that leaves the other party feeling good or better about themselves. Not surprisingly, he has often been called upon to do the firing and laying off everywhere he's worked!
I confess that I have watched him like a hawk for the last 22 years to find out his secret. What I've noticed is that his success is not simply based on a formula, but also on his intention, which is to leave people feeling good and respected.
Often, when two people engage in difficult conversations, quite the opposite occurs. Frequently, such confrontations tend to lead to conflict, debate or arguments. Why? Let's consider what some of the intentions behind them might be. It could be to prove we are right (making the other person wrong or bad), to win, to avoid embarrassment, to seek revenge or to punish. When discussions turn ugly, we often try to justify why we need to cling to our negative intentions.
The key to having a conversation where we will be heard, therefore, is to start with the right intention or motive and to keep that as our priority no matter what happens. This is not easy, I know, but it is awfully rewarding.
In his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey talks about starting with the end in mind. In his writings, he refers to this in terms of beginning today with the image, picture or vision of the end of your life as your frame of reference or the criterion by which everything else is examined. "To begin with the end in mind," he says, "means to start with a clear understanding of your destination." Covey also suggests considering how you would want to be thought of at the end of your life and keeping that vision of yourself in mind so that you can act in line with it.
This same principle may also help to ensure more effective communication. For instance, when confronting someone, consider how the interaction might turn out differently if you've thought about how you'd want the conversation to end and how you could behave to ensure that outcome.
Approaching a conversation with this in mind may help to make the other person feel safe while ensuring an atmosphere of greater mutual respect. When both people feel safe in a conversation, it is easier for you to express just about anything. Others feel safer when they feel you have their best interest at heart, that you genuinely want to understand them, and that you care about their goal and values. But if the other person doesn't trust your motives, it doesn't matter how you say it - it won't be heard. That's why your intention is key.
Most of the time, our intent remains unexamined, and this is what often leads to difficulties. To become more conscious of your intentions, you could try asking yourself: Do others trust my motives? Do they believe I respect them and want the best for them? Do they feel understood?
When I watch my husband, I see that he really comes from the heart with kindness and respect. Therefore, having the right intention is not simply a technique, but an attribute we can learn to cultivate in ourselves.
This concludes our 4-part series on communication.
1. Own Your Story
2. Master Your Delivery
3. Learn to Listen
4. Watch Your Intention
Be sure to browse our Archives for previous issues.
Claire Maisonneuve,
Registered Clinical Counsellor,
Director, Alpine Anxiety and Stress Relief Clinic
