6 Must Do's for a Thriving Marriage
Relationships need to change over time in order to create passion and excitement. Since many people are uncomfortable with change and unpredictability, they may try to maintain a sense of stability and constancy in their relationship either by ignoring and not responding to requests or feedback from their partner or by trying to prevent any change. This leads to conflict or disengagement. Below are six things you can do to turn problems into opportunities for enhancing your relationship.
1. Learn to trust yourself.
When people cry out in the relationship that they "need their space", "they feel controlled", or "they need to find themselves", it means that they have lost the ability to hold on to themselves and they have not set necessary boundaries. When they sense they have abandoned themselves, they may feel like blaming their partner for engulfing them or for being too controlling.
If instead, you are able to trust yourself, you will more easily be able to take into consideration your partner's dreams, ambitions, opinions and needs. You will also be more willing to look at and address truths about your relationship, rather than abandon yourself or bury your head in the sand simply because you are afraid to speak up, to create conflict or to hurt or lose your partner.
Trusting yourself means:
- Standing up for what you believe in.
Holding on to what you know to be true and right for you, even when there is pressure from your partner to conform.
Being yourself as you are with all your strengths, weaknesses and vulnerabilities rather than being who you think you should be or who you think your partner wants you to be.
The only way to trust another and to trust your future is to trust yourself.
2. Be self-validating.
Contrary to what many believe, our partner is not responsible for meeting our needs. He or she isn't responsible for making you feel special, worthy, lovable, safe, accepted, heard or seen. When we give our partner this responsibility, we put ourselves in a position that is lacking or disadvantaged. This can foster a sense of powerlessness and doubt in our own capacities. The result of these unspoken expectations is usually resentment.
Giving someone else the job of validating us also causes us to construct an identity based on a "reflected sense of self". As we look to our partner for continual validation and approval, we risk losing who we really are in the process. This can lead to boredom, stagnation and frustration in the relationship while stunting the growth of both partners since any change might challenge the stability of the relationship.
Rather than relying on our partner, we need to learn instead to become self-validating. Self-validation is the ability to rely on our own capacity to recognize, accept and fulfill our own emotional needs. When we were growing up, providing validation was our caregiver's job. Today, however, we need to make it our job in order to ensure success in our long-term relationship.
3. Attend to your partner.
According to much marital therapy research, including the recent work of Michigan-based professor and therapist, Terri Orbuch, who charted the love life of 373 married couples over 22 years, the key to a thriving marriage is focusing on the everyday behaviours, attitudes and small gestures that convey to your partner that he or she is appreciated, loved, admired, respected and desired. In other words, it is important to show the other person that he or she matters. The more often you do these small gestures, the more you build up what John Gottman calls "your emotional bank account". By doing this, you will provide a safe and supportive environment for your partner to learn to become more confident, daring, strong and self-reliant. This will also help your partner develop a clearer sense of his or her own identity.
For a marriage to remain "aflame", there needs to be change, challenges and constant learning about yourself . Accepting feedback from your partner is a way of communicating that you value and are interested in understanding the way in which he or she experiences you. It also reveals your effort to be introspective and mindful of the impact your behaviour has on others. When accepting feedback, rather than responding with the common phrase "yes, but you...", it's better to first listen to your partner's experience of you and then to go and reflect on it honestly.
In many ways, marriage is no different than any other goal, like getting a degree or mastering a sport. While those goals require you to draw on your potential for intelligence, fitness and memory, marriage requires you to draw on your potential for resilience, thoughtfulness, kindness and tolerance. The more you are willing to challenge and change yourself, the more you'll feel encouraged to bring out the best in you and the more fulfilling and satisfying your interactions will be.
5. Learn to regulate your emotions.
Some people tend to feel easily overwhelmed by emotions. This can cause them to shut down and withdraw. Others find they can't quite contain their feelings and they let them spill all over the other. Neither of these strategies leads to effective conflict resolutions.
When arguments get heated, when you feel attacked or when your partner says or does something that triggers strong emotions in you, you want to have enough skills to soothe yourself and calm yourself down so you don't keep reacting by either escalating the conflict or withdrawing. Self-regulation is the ability to choose what you will do with what you feel. Developing strategies to soothe yourself and to regulate your own emotions in times of anxiety and fear will help you stay connected and engaged with your partner.
6. Find the purpose in your struggles and the meaning behind your problems.
Couples often say to me, "I didn't sign up for this. I don't deserve this. I don't need to put up with this." When spouses feel powerless or helpless about the trouble they are in, they may not be able to see any meaning or purpose to their struggles and may end up thinking that this relationship is all a big mistake.
The meaning you make of your struggles will largely determine how creative and proactive you will be in finding solutions. Every relationship will go through predictable and inevitable stages. These are, in fact, necessary for your own emotional and psychological maturation. Therefore, if you can view these problems as being for your own good and view marriage as a laboratory for your own personal growth, then these problems will become more meaningful to you.
As one great master said, "when you use life's experiences as your teacher, and learn from them the true nature of the world and your part in it, those experiences become valuable guides to eternal fulfillment and happiness."
Written by Claire Maisonneuve
Registered Clinical Counsellor
Director of the Alpine Anxiety and Stress Relief Clinic |
