We are all here to learn to love: to love others and to love ourselves. Intimate relationships, highlights that which stops us from receiving and giving love. Hence, our intimate relationship can be a powerful vehicle for learning these lessons of love. That said, you might as well learn to love the one you are with because the lesson is likely to be the same no matter who you are with!
Author and meditation teacher, Stephen Levine, once wrote: "the distance from your pain, your grief [and] your unattended wounds is the distance from your partner." This means that all the hurts, fears and insecurities within us that we do not attend to or attempt to understand and heal become barriers between our loved one and ourselves, and potentially creating a void.
The reason we sometimes feel alone, distant and empty in relationship is not necessarily because our partner is not the right match, but it generally has more to do with our own inability or unwillingness to attend to our own fears and insecurities. For example, if we hold the mistaken belief about ourselves that we are not truly lovable, worthy or deserving of love, this may make it difficult for us to trust that our partner really wants us, cares for us and will not leave us, resulting in an underlying fear of rejection or abandonment.
While our relationship can be a good vehicle for personal growth and inner transformation, unfortunately most of us spend a lot of time trying to transform and reform our partner. We justify this through what is called projection.
Projection is when we accuse our partner of the very issues we struggle with. For example, we blame our partner for not being available, dependable or sensitive enough to our feelings, when in fact we may be guilty of this ourselves. We criticize and persecute the other for what we can't witness or bear in ourselves.
Psychologist, Chuck Spezzano, said it this way: "Every relationship is a reflection of my relationship to myself." In other words, as author, Byron Katie, writes, "everyone is a mirror image of yourself - your own thinking coming back to you." Hence we need others to help us see ourselves.
Let's look at an example. Andrea would always complain that Frank had no tolerance for her feelings, yet as soon as Andrea's feelings came up, she was quick to dismiss them and judge and criticize herself for having them. Only when Andrea was able to accept and validate her own feelings could she communicate them to Frank in a way that made it possible for him to listen and validate her experience.
If we don't like the way people treat us, we must look at the way we treat ourselves. For example, if people don't listen to us, there may be some belief in us that make it difficult to believe that we deserve to be seen and heard.
It's not easy to receive love if we don't have it for ourselves. Test yourself. How easily do you genuinely accept help from others and believe compliments and praise? How does it feel to lean on others?
Let's look at another example. Bob complained that Karen was irresponsible and unsupportive. Bob had a demanding position, often felt rushed and wanted things done right away. He complained he couldn't count on Karen for anything and felt he had to do everything himself, but it wasn't clear whether it was Karen who never really stepped up to the plate or if Bob made it difficult for her to contribute. As an experiment in therapy, Karen was asked to sit behind Bob and support his body while he let himself lean on her. As soon as he did this, Bob began to cry as he realized how difficult it was for him to let go of control and lean on others. In his headlong drive toward achievement, he saw how he had become disconnected from himself and distant from others. As a result, he felt exhausted and alone. So, as much as he wanted support, he was inclined to fight it off. For the first time, Karen was able to express her competence in the relationship.
Often couples say that if it wasn't for the kids, the money, or the job, etc., they would be gone. In a way, this is a great blessing because often, if it wasn't for the kids, the lesson would not be learned.
Our work in relationship is to investigate what in us maintains the separation - the distance from ourselves first and then from our loved one. Only when we make room in our heart and understand our own suffering can we make room for the other; hence the need to love both myself and the other.
It takes great courage and maturity to reveal ourselves authentically and sincerely to our partner. Our relationship should provide the laboratory to do this 'work of love'. To this end, we must see that we are responsible 'to' our partner but not 'for' our partner. We can take responsibility for providing the safety and security for this inner exploration to happen, but we can't heal the other's pain.
In many ways, I view this as a spiritual practice. If spirituality is a means of reconnecting to our spirit and spirit is love, then marriage can be thought of as a spiritual practice.
Much healing can happen in your relationship, but sometimes a lack of compatibility, or too much contempt, disrespect, betrayal or abuse may make it too unsafe for it to take place. It may be better then to leave the relationship to do your healing.
One final note: This work takes time, a long time. Please don't expect that within a month things will shift. For now, just start entertaining this new vision about relationships and you will set the wheels in motion for transformation.
