How to Foster Happiness in Your Child
What do you find yourself paying attention to when interacting with your child? Do you take the time to appreciate what is good, healthy and right in them? To recognize efforts, progress, strengths and assets? Or are there days when you feel most of your time is spent controlling unwanted behaviours, focusing on mistakes and telling them what they shouldn't do?
Many busy, overwhelmed parents fall into the very common habit of paying more attention to mistakes and misbehaviours in an attempt to correct their child and redirect them in the right direction. Research shows, however, that focusing on preferred or positive behaviours and overlooking irritating or negative behaviours - those that are not detrimental to anyone's well being - is a more powerful way to shape your child's conduct, help them feel good about themselves and develop their sense of self worth.
Indeed, the most important skill for improving the relationship between parent and child and fostering and nurturing your child's capacity to be happy and self-confident is encouragement.
Encouragement includes:
1. Showing confidence in your child though words like "You'll make it", "Knowing you, I'm sure you'll do fine", or even more directly "I have confidence in you and your choices".
2. Focusing on contributions, assets and appreciation such as: "Thanks, that was very helpful", "That was very thoughtful of you...", and "You have good skills at... Why don't you help us with..."
3. Recognize efforts and improvements by saying: "You are really working hard at this" or "Wow, look how far you have come".
Choose what you focus on mindfully - thoughtfully! Your attention has profound implications for what it teaches and reinforces in your child because what you attend to through verbal and non-verbal communication is what will grow.
Catch your child when they're demonstrating positive behaviours such as helping out, being respectful, sharing with another, being kind and demonstrating curiosity, and express your awareness and appreciation to them verbally. By doing this, you will help them connect with the joy and sense of well-being within.
Also, tell your children through words and actions such as pats, hugs, kisses and smiles that you love them, that they are special to you and that they are wanted.
While your intentions may be honourable in that you may want the best for your children, your methods may not always produce the desired outcome. In other words, there may be a discrepancy between your ideals and what you actually do. For example, you may want your child to be respectful, courteous, responsible and independent. However, you may find yourself talking down to your child, criticizing, lecturing and shaming him or her with phrases like "What's wrong with you", "I can't believe you did that", "Wipe that look off your face", "You should have known better", "How many times do I have to tell you" and "I told you so". Finding fault, expecting the worst and being discouraging will not get the desired outcome. So whatever you do, never be afraid or worried about complimenting and encouraging your child too much.
People regularly tell me how, as children, they did not get compliments or praise because their parents thought that either they would slack off or they would become swollen-headed and self-centered. Nonsense! It is the nature of human beings to want to please others and to want to do even better when praised and acknowledged. People become self-centered and self-absorbed when they haven't received enough praise, attention and affection as children.
It may be useful to think about what you received as a child in terms of encouragement and positive attention and how you apply these guidelines to yourself today. This is a useful inquiry since, as a general rule, we will treat others the way we treat ourselves. Evaluate the ways you give yourself credit for what you have done and how well you forgive and don't dwell on your own mistakes or things you wish you had not done. As you learn to pay attention and be more mindful and thoughtful of what you deliver to your child, you will also become more attuned to and able to develop that same ability toward yourself.
To have a strong bond, your child must feel good about himself and feel good about you. After all, children need to obey parents, not because they are parents, but because they believe that you as their parent only want the best for them. This is what you can convey through your words of encouragement, support and respect.
Written by: Claire Maisonneuve and Elaine Connolly
