Many people think of their relationship in terms of what they are going to get from it or how the relationship can enhance their life. To have a happy relationship, it's best to think in terms of "what am I offering, bringing, and giving to this relationship...or...how am I loving?". As the wise old saying goes, "we get what we give in life". From my 18 years as a marriage counsellor, I can confidently say, there are no errors in this equation.

If you want to know what you are giving to the relationship, ponder this: If I were to ask your husband or wife "what is it like being married to you?", what do think he or she would answer?

In my work with couples, when I ask each spouse this question I am always amazed at how accurate their answers are and how, unbeknownst to them, they have just revealed the exact cause of their difficulties.

Do you think your partner would say "it's great, it's fun, he/she is supportive, loving, patient, thoughtful, respectful, a great parent to our kids"? Or would he or she say, "its not easy, nothing I do is ever good enough, he/she is critical and needs to have things his/her way".  Take a moment to reflect on what your partner's answer might be if I asked "what is it like living with you"?

 
Some of you may be thinking, "oh, but I do so much: I'm a good provider, I look after the kids, I work six days a week, I take the family on holidays, I've built them a nice home, I pay for my kids education". All this is probably true. However, research shows that what constitutes happiness in a marriage rarely has anything to do with these "big ticket" items. Instead, it has to do with the small, intimate moments and gestures that convey fondness, kindness, respect, love and understanding.

These include small moments like greeting each other with a warm welcome at the end of the day, putting down the newspaper to listen to your partner, making eye contact when talking to each other, including your partner in any decision-making process. Essentially, showing your partner that he or she matters, in small ways.  Mother Teresa put it this way: "It does not matter how much we give, but how much love we put in our giving".

Some of the best-suited couples with the most "chemistry" have managed to spoil their relationship. Why? How? One study of divorced people concluded that the number one cause of their marriage breakdown was "that they took each other for granted". Remember: Happy marriages don't just happen. They are created and worked on.

Sometimes, offering these little acts of respect and kindness may be difficult if you feel ambivalent about the relationship. If you got married because you didn't want to be alone or you were afraid no one else would come along or you wanted the financial security, you may be withholding from your partner the gifts you have to offer and may need to examine what is affecting your commitment to your spouse.

Each partner must do their own part in the relationship and really only be concerned with just that. In counselling, couples often talk about "their relationship" as if it was some separate entity outside of themselves. When I hear things like "we don't communicate, we don't make time for each other, we don't laugh anymore", I ask them to clarify "which WE are we talking about? You don't make time for him or she doesn't make time for you?" There is no WE that is making or not making time. Talking about your relationship in terms of "we" or "our relationship" is a convenient way of not taking responsibility for your own contribution.

 
If you are feeling confused, frustrated or helpless, you may not be seeing how certain patterns of interactions are creating conflict and distance in your relationship. Counselling helps you to remember and appreciate the gifts you can bring to your relationship and develop ways you can relate to each other more respectfully and constructively, all of which helps you to love more maturely and, in turn, helps you feel better about yourself.

 
The key is this: If you don't like what you are getting, change what you are giving. So the first rule for a happy marriage is to "analyze yourself to see what you are giving". The challenge is to examine and change yourself without blaming, shaming or hating yourself.

 
Ultimately, you can view the purpose of your relationship as a vehicle to learn to love more deeply and sincerely and help you grow in wisdom and compassion. We will cover this idea in more detail in our next 'couples newsletter issue'.
 
Written by: Claire Maisonneuve