Happiness, joy, peace of mind.... We all want it, but few know how to get it.
Most of us have heard or been told, "happiness is something inside you" or "nobody can make you happy" but how do we feel the joy within?
The fact is that happiness is a potential that we all possess, but we must work to cultivate it. It's like language. We all have the potential for language at birth but if no one ever talks to us and trains us to talk we won't develop this skill. Similarly, the capacity to be happy is within us at birth.
The degree to which it is cultivated, nurtured and encouraged depends largely on the environment we grew up in, the role models that were present in our life and our experiences in relationship with our caretakers as a child. Happiness is fostered by the love, care and nurturing we received as infants from our caregivers and the explicit or implicit messages we received from those around us.
For example, imagine growing up in an environment where we receive loving, positive, affirming messages such as, "I love you, you are special to me, I have confidence in you, you can be different from me, and I will still love you" where the atmosphere feels safe and stable. These experiences help produce positive beliefs about ourselves as adults, such as "I'm lovable, competent, worthy" and help us easily access the experience of safety, well-being and happiness within.
But if the atmosphere is chaotic, unpredictable and unstable, and the messages we receive sound more like "what is wrong with you, shame on you, if it wasn't for you kids..." then we are likely to feel unsafe in the world as adults, brace ourselves waiting for "the other shoe to drop", and to hold negative beliefs such as "I'm not important, I'm not good enough, I'm unworthy".
Either way, the good news is that no matter what we experience as children our capacity for happiness remains within us. It's a place in us that is untouched, unharmed, and uninjured in our core. Think of it as a diamond buried within us. Throughout our life it gets covered by dirt. The dirt is our negative beliefs and concepts about ourselves, and the destructive habits that result from this.
To find lasting happiness there are 2 essential steps necessary:
First you must remove the dirt from the diamond, and second you must then polish the diamond.
The first step is to clear out what is getting in your way of experiencing the joy within you. This is done by being willing to:
- Investigate the negative thought patterns of your mind.
- Clear away any unresolved grief, shame or guilt from the past.
- Change habits and behaviours that get in your way and prevent you from feeling good about yourself.
This is the work of introspection and self-examination. It is often done in a counselling setting where you can be supported, understood and accepted just as you are. It requires courage to take an honest look at how we think and how we act, and that courage leads to inner freedom.
Negative thought patterns destroy our peace and happiness. They reinforce bad feelings about ourselves and condition us to continue acting in ways that are harmful to ourselves and others.
You can start this work by gently developing a practice of being more mindful of the messages you send to yourself in your own mind, and noticing if any of these are similar to what you got from home. When you are mindful, or attentive to what is actually happening you can make choices as to whether you continue the same habit or try something different.
The second step is to find ways to access and polish the diamond that contains the joy within you.
This is done by turning your awareness within yourself, your body and your breathing, and feeling the sensations inside your body. It's essentially 'tuning into' the experiences of your internal world, rather than staying focused all around you. This way you can begin to slow down your mind enough that it can start feeling and sensing what's happening inside you and connect with the diamond within.
Most people spend an enormous amount of energy distracting themselves from what's happening inside and avoid being still and quiet. This is a great tragedy because the lasting happiness and joy we so long for can only be felt when the mind is calm and in the present moment. When we silence the mind we access the deeper spiritual level of our being.
This is important because many times a day I hear people talk about feeling lonely and empty inside, despite being in a long-term marriage or having many relationships, or having great careers and plenty of money. They long for a deeper experience of love and joy and seek greater meaning in their lives.
Everyone without exception wants peace, joy and happiness but few are willing to do the work necessary to have it. I believe that part of that is because there are no instant results for finding happiness, and we live in an instant gratification society. So people keep postponing the work, hoping for some quick fix or for someone to come along to make it all better.
The key point here is to understand that there isn't anything we can purchase or get from outside ourselves to experience joy and happiness.
When you experience excitement, fun and elation after buying a new house or car, or when you meet someone you like, these events don't create lasting happiness, only temporary pleasures that continually need to be replaced by other desires, accomplishments or yearnings.
Happiness is something we must work to achieve. Like everything else in life. We work to earn our wages and to get fit, we study to earn a degree, and we learn to be kind to keep friends.
Regardless of our past experiences, we all have the potential to access happiness and joy within us, because the diamond shines forever, deep inside our spirit. The process begins with a willingness to buy into the idea that it is our own and sole responsibility to unearth the jewel within us.
Written by: Claire Maisonneuve
Happiness Is An Inside Job.
