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Community Events
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MALIBU STAGE REPERTORY (formerly Zuma Repertory Theatre) presents Jane Anderson's comedic drama "Looking for Normal" opening May 1, 2009 at the Malibu Stage Company in Malibu.
The gender-bending
comedy-drama tells the story of a middle-aged Midwesterner named Roy who after 25 years of marriage, announces to his family that he has decided to have a gender-change operation.
More info and directions to theater can be found on the company website at
malibustagecompany.org
Tickets are $20, parking is free.
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 4th Annual QFilm Festival Fundraiser, a 3-day event to benefit The Center in Long Beach.
Date: May 8-10, 2009
Tickets available online.
For more info:
The Center Long Beach
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Long Beach kicks off the 26th Annual Gay Pride celebration on May 16, 2009. Over the past several years, the Long Beach LGBT celebration has become one of the premiere Pride events nationwide now attracting over 80,000 participants over two days.
For more info: www.longbeachpride.com
and in the OC...
Odyssey Adventures is sponsoring the Gay Pride festival at Knotts Berry Farm
Date: May 15, 2009 7pm-1am.
8,000 participants are expected.
For more info: www.ocpride.org ____________________________
Antioch
University's LGBT Specialization joins creative forces with Highways
Performance Space in order to put on two nights of Performance, June 19th and
20th. This event entitled, Juggling the Layers of Gender, will consist of
entertaining and enlightening work including burlesque style and circus-themed
acts.
The purpose and mission of this event is to increase
awareness of the transgender community and engage in a creative dialog around
the ideas that unintentionally keep the transgender community silenced, such as
"born into the wrong body" or " I would have never known," in the hopes of
moving further towards a place of empowerment and ownership of all people's
right to identify as they choose. Says Juggling of Genders curator, Tyler Daly,
"by flushing out, pulling apart and piecing back together layers of identity,
we hope to ignite inspiration around the complexity of gender for each and
every person."
For more information regarding the event, contact Tyler
Daly at LGBTspecgender@gmail.com
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In The News
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The Democratic-led U.S. House of Representatives Wednesday approved
an expansion of federal "hate crime" laws to include a victim's sexual
orientation, gender identity or mental or physical disability. On a vote of 249-175, the House passed The Federal Local Law Enforcement Hate Crimes Prevention Act of 2009 and sent it on to the Senate.
The current law, enacted four decades ago, limits federal
jurisdiction over hate crimes to assaults based on race, color,
religion or national origin.
Read more at Reuters.com
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Greetings!
I hope that you find the MAY 2009 edition of the newsletter to be both informational and inspiring.
I
will
be speaking May 2nd at a Teach In to bring awareness to LGBT
issues among Marriage and Family Therapists. As you may recall from the
October issue of Reflections, the California Association of Marriage
& Family Therapists (CAMFT) was silent in response to request by
LGBT MFTs to oppose Prop 8. A collective group of MFTs has formed to
speak out on the need for attention to LGBT issues and cultural
competency among MFTs in California. We are bringing attention to the
need for CAMFT to understand that marriage equality is a mental health
issue. To learn more about the efforts of California Therapists for
Marriage Equality go to www.ctme.org.
Warmly,
Lisa Maurel, MFT
Lic. 32416
"The beginning of love is to
let those we love, be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our
own image. Otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them." - Thomas Merton, No Man Is An Island |
Couples at the Crossroads
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What do you do, when you wake up next to your spouse of a
year, five years, maybe ten-and they seem to be a complete stranger?
You find yourself
wondering...who is this person? Why can't they be more....? Why do they have
to...?
For spouses of gender
questioning folks, there are many layers.
Many couples begin a long,
strange journey-imagining only fear and dread. The neighbors. The in-laws. The
children. They are sure that Maury Povich will show up in their living room any
moment!
Certainly, the revelation
that your loved one is cross-dressing is shocking at first. You may feel
betrayed, angry, ashamed. You may wonder if it is your fault. These are all
normal reactions-rooted in fear. And they are all about you. Now if you are
still reading- hang in. I'm going to tell you something very important. Its not
about you, at all.
Imagine.
Imagine, holding a secret
that you are sure will send all the people you love running in a thousand
directions. Imagine the loneliness of
feeling you can never let anyone get close. You may love your family, your
spouse and your children-but you believe (and society affirms this) that if you
tell the truth-you will face terrible rejection. So-you keep it hidden. You
dress in secret over the years. You
purge your closet and swear never to pick up another dress...time after
time...with no success. Perhaps, falling in love with your wife, you hope
against hope, that the feelings will abate. They return. One day- you can't
take the pressure of hiding any longer. You reveal your secret to your wife.
The closeted marriage.
You may not want this journey-and it may be that you
are already packing your bags-but before you go, here are a few things to
consider.
Your first reaction may have been anger, fear,
betrayal, and loss. Of course! Discovery that your partner has withheld such
important information about themselves triggers all of our fear. Is he gay?
(Probably not) Is he cheating? (Probably not) Will he want to have surgery?
(Perhaps, perhaps not). You should know that most cross-dressing men are male
identified, heterosexual and many have no desire to see their relationships
end. In fact, they have kept the secret to protect the relationship. But
eventually, the need to be honest, or the pain of hiding, becomes so great, they
must "come out".
After the crisis of coming
out and the effects of absorbing this new reality, its time for both of you to
explore some deep questions.
Do you love this person for
who they are inside? Does it break your heart to imagine being without them? If
so, you may want to stay on the ride a while, to see what can happen. I'm not
promising a miracle, but I can tell you, that love is the most important
ingredient in any relationship. And if you have that, well, you have a lot.
Your partner is still the
same person they have always been.
This new information means
that you know something new about your partner. But it doesn't negate all of
the good things you know and love about them. In the end-you may decide that no
matter how much you love them, you can't renegotiate the relationship. You may
surprise yourself.
What does it mean?
Both of you may have shame,
fear, and inaccurate ideas about the meaning and origins of these desires and
behaviors and what it means for you as a couple. Both of you will need help
sorting out the truth about gender expression and identity from the myths and
social stereotypes.
You and your partner may have
many questions about what dressing means to them, and to you. The answers may
not be clear without further exploration.
Its important that these questions be explored fully. Ignoring them will
not make them go away.
Men who cross dress usually
have persistent desires to do so throughout their lives. The problems experienced by men who
cross-dress or identify as third gender, or female, are usually created by the
societal restrictions on men expressing feminine attributes and the profound
discrimination and negative stereotypes associated with cross-dressers and
transgendered people as well as the familial and cultural and societal
ramifications of "coming out" or discovery.
Men who cross dress may do
so as a means of relaxation and tension release, while identifying as
heterosexual and desiring sex with female partners while dressed. Men who cross
dress may do so as a means of sexual arousal-through dressing, and imagining
oneself as feminine. They may continue to identify as male, but have a kind of
"second self" that they experience through dressing. They may
identify as heterosexual, bisexual or questioning.
Cross-dressing
can be connected to gender identity issues. Usually beginning in early
childhood, and continuing throughout their lives, these biological men long to
be dressed feminine. Dressing is a means to explore this feeling and is often
done in secret and with a feeling of hiding and shame. They have negative associations about their
masculine bodies, and may question their true gender. They may experience
increasing desire and pressure to fully express their feminine identity through
full time living, hormone therapy or surgery.
Couples
in which the husband is gender questioning and cross-dressing, will need time,
information and support in order to
renegotiate their relationship.
Finding professional help.
Talking
to a therapist experienced with gender identity and cross-dressing can give
them a safe place to explore these questions. Finding a safe and informed
person to talk with is important. A safe therapist will have knowledge of
gender identity issues; be supportive of the family dialogue and discussion of
how the disclosure and dressing impacts the relationship; be non-judging about
cross-dressing behavior and gender identity while supporting full exploration;
be fully supportive of the process for both spouses; and will provide resources
for both spouses. A safe therapist will NOT claim to be able to
"cure" or "repair" the desire to cross-dress or gender
identity. A safe therapist will not equate cross-dressing with homosexuality. A
safe therapist will not respond with rejection or condemnation.
You may need time and a therapist of your own,
who can support you and help you become more informed, about gender and
cross-dressing. You will need time to ask your own questions, and reevaluate
what you want.
You
may need to ask your partner to respect your need for time to adjust to this
information and set boundaries about what you are ready to hear about or
experience. Sometimes it helps to negotiate these boundaries with a therapist
together.
Exploring
these feelings, ideas and desires enables people to incorporate their true
identities in a healthy way that ensures the highest level of personal freedom
while preserving precious relationships, livelihood and avoiding behaviors that
can trigger shame. This is probably not the road you had in mind when you
married your spouse. Whether you stay together or separate, this process can
help you do so with respect and love in a way that affirms both of you as
people. |
The Crossdresser's Wife
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 Check out the Crossdresser's Wife Blog.
Written anonymously by a woman who wanted to share her story. The blog contains helpful tips and advice as well as several posts relating to family issues and acceptance.
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______________________
 Peace on your journey,
Lisa
Lisa Maurel, MFT
© 2009 Lisa Maurel, MFT, Lic. 32416 - All rights reserved.
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