Are you a caregiver?  Do you enjoy doing things for others? Making a difference? Do you sometimes lose sight of your own needs while on a mission for your kids, your spouse, your family, your community, your coworkers or your employer?  When was the last time you did something good for yourself without guilt?

It's easy to get caught up on the hamster wheel - running, running, running always for someone else.  But what about you?  Are you like most caregiver personalities who think it's selfish to do for yourself?

Selfish or Selfless? Most of us interpret 'selfish' to mean stingy, conceited or egotistical (negative) whereas selfless is interpreted as altruistic, philanthropic, or humanitarian (positive).  But let's dissect the word selfish and see what it really means.

The word "Self" as a noun, means "the union of elements (as body, emotions, thoughts, and sensations) that constitute the individuality and identity of a person"

The suffix "-ish" an adjective, means "of, relating to, or being"

So to be selfish means "relating to our whole self".  That doesn't sound negative at all.  In order to be selfless, we first need to be selfish.  Unfortunately the idea of being selfish is so far out of our caregiver comfort zone that we get twitchy.

Sydney J. Harris, an American journalist for the Chicago Daily News in 1941 and later for the Chicago Sun Times said, "It's surprising how many persons go through life without ever recognizing that their feelings toward other people are largely determined by their feelings toward themselves, and if you're not comfortable within yourself, you can't be comfortable with others."

In order to be happy, healthy and whole, we must treat ourselves with love, kindness and respect.  We need to make ourselves a priority.  Most often what we sacrifice in lieu of our self-interest is time.

Instead of saying 'I don't have time to exercise' why not say 'I deserve the time to exercise'?  You deserve time to soak in the tub, read the paper, enjoy a leisurely and uninterrupted cup of coffee, go to a movie, visit with friends or play a round of golf - any number of activities that nourish your soul.

An amazing thing happens when we are selfish in this context.  When we free up our time enough to spend it on ourselves, we become happier, more relaxed, and more balanced.  Our confidence soars and we're able to tackle more necessary tasks with less effort.  Our relationships improve and become far more satisfying.  How do we change our mindset to believe we are worth being selfish?  

 

First, we have to accept that we deserve some 'me' time.  And this is equally true for both men and women.  As gender equality improves, so do both men and women find themselves consumed with an insurmountable set of responsibilities at home and work that leaves little time for pleasurable activities.

 

Second, we have to be willing to ask for help.  There is no shame in admitting we're overwhelmed or simply want to delegate some of our tasks in exchange for activities that will revitalize us.  In fact, it takes a fairly strong person to say 'ENOUGH'!  

 

Finally, we need to learn the art of successful delegation.  What is really necessary for you to do yourself and what can be effectively managed by someone else?  It's like Pareto's 80/20 rule wherein 80% of your consumed time lies in 20% of the activities on your 'to do' list.  If you can offload the appropriate 20% of your meaningless busywork tasks, you could well save 80% of the time currently allotted to these efforts.

 

What would you do with one more hour per day?  That's five hours per week.  That's a half man-day or 260 hours per year for you to spend on yourself.  As you master these concepts, and shift your paradigm to partake of joyful activities, you will begin to feel an improved sense of overall wellbeing and an increased confidence in your ability to 'have it all'.  And when you are confident and happy within yourself, you are then able to honor your caregiver personality and give selflessly to others with love, respect and dignity.