Last month when I was looking for illustrations for my article "Serve Your Self" in the last issue of The Queen's Chronicles, I did a Google image search for "women eating alone." What an eye opening experience that was. I was presented with an extraordinary montage of pictures that, seen as a whole, revealed both obvious and hidden cultural values and bias that impacts our lives so powerfully.

At first, I didn't register the obvious. But then when I did, I was shocked (though not surprised) at the deluge of subtly negative images of women streaming endlessly down my screen.

The overwhelming majority of pictures depicted perky, skinny, young women with salads - posing with them, that is, not even eating them. It was as if these wraiths could flourish just by inhaling the chlorophyll. 

It would appear that when food is concerned, women are supposed to look only, and only look at food that is green. Unless they are fat, that is. Then, of course, they are shown as being gross or pitiful, invariably stuffing themselves with something gooey and calorific.

The images of supposedly disgusting hefty women were neatly balanced by plenty of even more disgusting pictures of women barfing into toilet bowls. Or maybe they were just supping in the john, sipping soup from those sparkling white porcelain tureens?

And then came the parade of pregnant bellies. Apparently, while women are not encouraged to eat alone and enjoy doing so, it is highly desireable for women to eat for two, as it were. It's not for our enjoyment then, but to nourish our children.  

Whichever way you look at it, the overriding message is that unless we are with someone else or serving someone else, we are simply not worthy. And we are certainly not entitled to actually enjoy the sensual pleasure of food, let alone our own company.

I struggled through 40-some pages to come up with these five images of real women who were of a certain age, culturally diverse, and clearly taking great delight in feeding themselves.

Bon Appetíte, Ladies! 

What is sad for women of my generation is that they weren't supposed to work if they had families. What were they going to do when the children are grown - watch the raindrops coming down the window pane?

- Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

 

Falling, falling, falling, falling down. Look yourself in the eye before you drown. 

- Emily Saliers, Indigo Girls

Breathe in the warmth of this place, allowing yourself to feel a sense of welcome

It is your own love, your own beauty that beckons you inside

How long has it been, since you have crossed this threshold?

The door has always been open, the invitation always extended

Will you accept it now?

Through the windows streams sunlight, casting rainbow designs on the walls

As prism glass reflects the scattered sparkling illumination

The floor beneath your feet is soft

Caressing your skin as you tap your bare toes on its surface

Daring to dance upon it to the lilting music that only you can hear.

The table is set with all manner of lusciousness

Nourishment for body and soul awaits you

Always plenty to savor and share; a bounty spread before you

Every imaginable treat to delight your senses

The sweet aroma that curls around you.

The mirror on the wall reflects your exquisite nature

As you gaze into the eyes of the One who has been with you

Through all eternity, questioning what has kept you from recognizing

Your own ineffable Divinity

Express your adoration for the Goddess) who winks back at you.

Feel the all-embracing comfort of this structure that was created

Brick by brick, log by log, though your daily intention

The experiences and the people you draw into your world

The thoughts that permeate your mind

The wild magic of your infinite imagination.

- Edie Weinstein, PA

The Queen's Court is a gathering of sovereign women of a certain age - our dear peers - who graciously offer information, guidance, inspiration and encouragement to each other.

We Queens know what we know. And we know a great deal. Our experience has made us wise. So, feel free to consult with our cyber council/counsel when you are need of sage advice or wish to explore a particular topic of interest.

I am thrilled by the number of messages that I received in response to Despondent Darlene's letter about her empty nest depression in the October 2011 issue. Clearly her situation touched many women.

Here is a sampling of the wealth of wisdom offered by our sister Queens:

Both my 'children' are grown up and have their own busy lives. Our son is moving to France early 2012 and our daughter got married at the beginning of April. I feel it is wonderful that they can be fulfilling their own potential and creating their own futures. I also recognise myself in your article as one of those mum's who 'got lost' in the 'turmoil' of home and work. For the last couple of years I have been involving myself in lots of self-healing and have found some wonderful professionals to help me. I sense that a cleaner, fresher, and a rejuvenated ME is emerging! It's not an overnight process! I intend it to be a lifelong practice from now on! My husband has just retired from work, too. That's now two of us seeking to find our true and deeply personal selves! Who knows what we might find along the way! Thank you for pointing out that embarking on such a journey is not only a legitimate choice to make, it is also boundlessly worthwhile!

- Margaret, UK

I was born in 1945. I am a mother, Grandmother, Great Grandmother, and I know and appreciate how life changes for women as we age and at times, how difficult those changes can be. Divorced for 24 years, my children grown with children of their own, I decided to write a book to share with women what I've learned and applied over time. I also know that this Queen goddess phase of a woman's life can be the most rewarding time of all and why I celebrate the seasoned woman in my book and everywhere. I am now enjoying the Grandchildren in a way only a Grandmother can. Utterly at peace with my womanhood, the Divine Feminine has taken me in Her arms and keeps me in a place of wonder and joy. The rewards of aging are many, the gifts of wisdom and knowing shape who we are, leaving us contented to be who we were meant to be. The ancients tell us the crone woman has reached her mastery on all levels; physic, healing and sexual. How could we not, given life's experiences, lessons and accrued wisdom? Celebrate this stage of life, for it is the crème de la crème, if we allow it to be. Awaken to our Goddess within as never before as this is our time to languish in creating our own destiny. Love & Light,

- Joan, TX

My midlife "crisis" is a common one. Right after my nest emptied a couple of years ago, my widowed mother was diagnosed with early stage dementia (and additional health issues). Since I am an only child, I am totally responsible for my mother's care and medical decisions. And darn it, it was hard enough adjusting to the empty nest after my "mom years" ended ... but before I could figure out my next step, or regain a new sense of self, I was saddled with my mother's health crisis. (It would be easier to be saddled with a small baby.)

- Cindy, MI

I did not choose not to have children. We tried, but it was not to be. Yes, we might have adopted but... well, it may sound selfish to some but, it isn't the same and we decided against it. Yes, I sometimes mourn the children that I frankly assumed would be. But, I also rejoice in the freedom that I never planned. Life is a crazy, perplexing thing. We get what we get - the trick is being grateful for whatever that gift might look like.

- Susan, TN

Had children, never once offered up my dreams on the altar of motherhood, but had a life next to being a mom, looking forward to not menstruating.

- Joanna, CT

Personal perspective - I have a daughter-in-law who is so wrapped up in her two children and two grandchildren that she has basically ignored her own future, her life and is absorbed in the lives of those children and grandchildren that she has driven them away from her. She and my son were here Friday evening and yesterday morning and she could not seem to enjoy herself at all. Nothing was fun - nothing was interesting - nothing gave her any pleasure or enjoyment. She spent most of her time on her cell phone - checking on the kids and grandkids. If they did not answer, she left messages demanding to know what was wrong! Guess I have a different point of view. Once you raise your children as best you can and they enter their own areas in business, their own marriages and families, then you let them make their own mistakes, lead their own lives, raise their children in the way they think is best - being very, very careful if they ask for your advice. Now, a great-grandmother of 9, I love all my kids, grandkids and great-grandkids - we get along just fine. They don't interfere in my life and I don't interfere in theirs.

- Sandra, OR

Lonely, insecure? A lost sense of self? As a middle aged woman and a psychotherapist and friend to many others, I just do not see this abject picture you are painting. Mostly, after decades of mothering, I see women feeling huge relief as the challenges of daily parenting subside. Most mothers cannot afford to be stay-at-home mothers to their teenage children, so when the kids are off to college or jobs, women get more time to be with the friends and co-workers and partners they already have. They have more time to develop the careers and hobbies they already have. I simply don't find many women perched forlornly on their empty nests . . . they're winging it out in the world along with their fledglings.

- Lorraine, FL

A married woman gets to gestate, birth, and raise her child/children all the while trying to contend with her man. When he is sick, she mothers him. When he gets a raise, etc. she must celebrate him. It really is years and years of children's and partner's needs. By the time the children are out into the world, the fact is she is pretty well worn out. Physically, mentally, emotionally. She has to start from scratch trying to remember who she was, once upon a time. But now she is no longer marketable. Generally about that time she either has the courage to rid herself of this adult/child she has poured her life into or he decides that two twenties is a hell of a lot better than a worn out 40. I realize there are couples who live their lives as adults helping each other along the way, but I have lived for 70 years and have seen precious few.

- Ginger, CA

Judy Smith The Empty Nest - I love it!!!!!  Two children live close by, the other is getting married and lives in Brazil. And I'm a grandma to a sweet little 3 year old boy.

- Judy, CT

Renewal!

- Kay, MT

There's something to waking up and thinking "What am I doing today?" instead of how can I squeeze in what I need to do around their schedules.

Please send your responses to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

We extend hearty congratulations to our multi-talented circle of Sister Queens for their impressive accomplishments and successes.

 

 

What I really need is for people to know that I don't just do this, I do this and this and this and this. We all have creativity in us and we all are multi-dimensional and we are all interested in a lot of things and that women are fabulous. We can handle a lot of things.

- Suzanne Somers

Aphrodisiastes, Brazil, When God Was A Woman - Part 2 (DVD); Elizabeth Cunningham, NY, Red-Robed Priestess: Final Volume of The Maeve Chronicles (Book); Revs. Andrea Goodman, ME, and Ione, NY, Return to Egypt: A Journey to Ancient Egypt (CD); Barbara Love, NJ, Feminists Who Changed America (CD); and Terese Svoboda, NY, Bohemian Girl (Book); on their new publications.

Jerri Allyn, CA; Eleanor Antin, CA; Helène Aylon, NY; Darla Bjork, NY; Swaha Devi, NY; Marybeth Edelson, NY; Karen Fitzgerald, NY; Anne Gauldin, CA; Vanalyn Green, CA; Karen Guancione, NJ; Julie Harrison, NY; Robin Holder, NY; Joyce Kozloff, NY; Susan Mogul, CA; Beverly Naidus, WA; Carolee Schneeman, NY; Shiloh Sophia, CA; Helen Smith, DC; Linda Stein, NY; and Muriel Stockdale, NY; on exhibitions of their artwork.

Dear QMD,

I'm sending along a link to a YouTube video, which I am so proud of and want to let the whole world know about, so I hope it is something that "fits" in the "Kudos" section. This was the culmination of a project I've been working on for years and my hope is that, in some small way, it will help the planet and future generations.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugjEqbB_mus

I hope you enjoy it and if it is appropriate maybe you can "put it out there" for other women to view. I believe that we women of maturity are not done changing the world....there is so much left to do!

- Donna, CT

Note: Donna K. Carter is the Executive Director of the Greater New Haven Transit District. This video is a celebration of the successful launch of her plan to institute environmental friendly, disability accessible, hydrogen powered buses in her city. Queens rule! And we rule by virtue of our virtue. Congratulations, Queen Donna. Great job!

Send your good news, achievements, accomplishments, successes and celebrations so that our international circle of sovereign sisters can send you blessings and accolades.

And we are glad to so. It is a joy and a privilege to share in the fortune of another woman. I recently heard Oprah say the saddest thing ever - "The hardest thing about being successful is having someone to be glad for you."

It takes a centered and confident Queen to break that pattern. There are 60 million thrones out there. One for each of us. There is plenty of purpose, passion and power for us all. May we use it well!

It is important that you recognize your progress and take pride in your accomplishments. Share your achievements with others. Brag a little. The recognition and support of those around you is nurturing.
- Rosemarie Rossetti

Alison, TN; Amy, NY; Bebee, DE; Berenice, NY; Betty, AL; Chrissie, NY; Dana, CA; Dani, WI; Dominique, NM; Dee, NY; Erica, New Zealand; Gail, OH; Geraldine, ID; Glenys, Australia; Joanne, CA; Jo, AZ; Judith, NY; Karen, NJ; Kathleen, PA; Kazuko, NY; Kimi, NJ; Lorie, KY; Lydia, CO; Lisa, PA; Lucia, TX; Mary Gatle, MD; Naomi, DC; Pat, MA; Pearl, NY; Randi, NY; Ruth, NY; Sandi, NY; Sandy, CA; Sheryll, CA; Shirley, IN; Sid, PA; Smriti, CA; Susan, MA; Susan, NC; Terri, FL; and Yvette, NY;  who are in the process of healing themselves from illness, accident, injury or surgery.

Ali, VT; Amy, NY; Chrys, NY; Erica, New Zealand; Gail, NY; Lee, NJ; Lois, NY; Nancy, NC; Roslyn, NJ; and Sharon, FL; the caregivers who are in weary need of care themselves.

May Their Spirits Rest in Peace: 

Linda Markey, VA

With Heartfelt Condolences:
Kayla Schwartz, NY

Amy Taubin, NY    

Prayer Request:   

Lee Glanton, NJ, and her son Patrick need your prayers. Lee always asks for energy toward the best possible outcome. Please send. Thank you.

- Beverly, NY

 

So many gods, so many creeds,

MICHIGAN

Field Notes on an Empty Nest

By Cindy La Ferle  

Last week I found an empty bird's nest on the brick walk leading to our backyard. I'm guessing the nest fell from a nearby silver maple; or maybe a neighbor found it while jogging and left it by the garden gate for us to admire.

Not much larger than a cereal bowl, the nest now perches indoors on a shelf near my desk. Crafted from hundreds of delicate twigs, strands of grass, and patches of moss, it's truly a work of art - and a timely reminder to prepare for my son's return to college after the long summer break.

Children of baby boomers are heading off to college in greater numbers than children of previous generations. At the same time, the age-old ritual of "letting go" is the final frontier for those of us who've made child rearing a major focus of our adult lives.

I've been discussing this tender rite of passage with other middle-aged parents. And we all agree there has to be a better term to describe our next season of parenting - something that doesn't sound as final or forlorn as "The Empty Nest." Our nests, after all, are not completely empty. Not yet. My only child, for example, still has a bedroom here at home in addition to a loft in a crowded dormitory four hours away in South Bend, Indiana.

Whatever you want to call it, this to-and-from college phase is a thorny adjustment for parents and their almost-adult kids. College students are bound to ignore house rules when they return home for summer and holiday breaks. ("Curfew? What curfew?") Even the most agreeable families discover that this can be a volatile time - a time when teen-aged tempers ignite and middle-aged feelings get scorched. All said and done, we're all learning how to grow up and move on.

A lot has changed since my son started college. I'm still adjusting to the hollow echo of his (oddly) clean and empty bedroom, looking for remnants of my old self - my mothering self - in the bits and pieces he left behind. The family calendar in our kitchen has some blank spaces, too, and is no longer buried under neon-color sticky notes announcing band concerts, Quiz Bowl meets, school conferences, and carpool schedules. At first, this was not cause for celebration. I'd become what our high school mothers' club affectionately refers to as one of the "Alumni Moms."

While I suddenly found unlimited bolts of time to devote to my marriage and writing career, I mourned what I perceived to be the loss of my role as a hands-on parent. Despite the fact that I had a cleaner, quieter house, I missed all the athletic shoes and flip-flops piled near the back door. I missed the boisterous teenagers gathered around the kitchen counter, or in front of the television downstairs. I missed bumping into other parents at school functions, and wondered if life would ever be the same.

Life isn't the same, but I'm OK with that now. I've come to realize that a mom is always a mom, even though her parenting role changes over time.

Not long ago, I stayed at my own mother's place for a few weeks while I recovered from major surgery. When I apologized for disrupting her normal routine, she said, "My home will always be your home, too." I found comfort in knowing that. Yet at the same time, I missed my own house. And I felt grateful that Mom had encouraged me, years ago, to craft a life - and a home - of my own.

It's hard to believe my son is packing for another year of college this week. The hall outside his bedroom is now an obstacle course of boxes, crates, and suitcases stuffed with everything he needs for the months ahead. I'm still not very good at saying good-bye when his dad and I leave him at the dorm and steer our emptied SUV back to the expressway. I manage to compose myself until I notice the tearful parents of college freshmen going through this ritual for the first time. But it does get easier each term.

So, is the nest half-full or half-empty?

Reflecting on the small bird's nest perched near my desk, I've come to believe that every family is a labor of love and a work in progress. It's a bittersweet adjustment, but I'm at peace with the idea that our household is just one stop on our son's way to his future. He'll be flying back and forth over the next couple of years or so. And hopefully, patience and love will be the threads that weave our family together, no matter how far he travels. 

Please Submit Your Royal Reports. Tell us about your Self and/or your Queen Group:  

Who, what, where, when, why?

What Queenly topics do you explore?

What projects do you engage in?

Describe some golden moments.

Send pictures!

Reya Mellicker, DC

Art and Words

Kris Waldherr, NY

Be in Love Again

Judith Geiger, NY

Flashfree: Not Your Mama's Menopause

Liz Scherer

Goddess in a Tea Pot

Carolyn Boyd, MA

Here and Now

Stephanie Blackwood, NY

Memory & Movement

Wickham Boyle, MA

Midlife Monkey Girls

Caren Monkey

Midlife Road Trip

Sandi McKenna, Sher Bailey & Rick Griffin

Motheroot Musings

Mary Saracino, CO

Ruin and Beauty

Deena Metzger, CA

Seeds for Sanctuary

Dr. Susan Corso, MA

Spreading the Gaia Word

Phoenix Wolf-Ray, BC, Canada

Starhawk's Personal Blog

Starhawk, CA

The Sustainable Soul: Natural Spirituality

Tales From the Velvet Chamber

Lillian Slugocki, NY

Writing for Life

Sandra Lee Schubert, NY