Mistaken Goals: Breaking the Code
Part Two--Misguided Power
When your child's behavior invites you to feel angry, challenged, threatened or defeated, the mistaken goal is likely Misguided Power. (Remember to rule out child feeling hungry, tired, ill, or acting typically for her age). The belief behind the behavior is: "I belong only when I'm boss, in control, or proving no one can boss me. You can't make me." Remember, this is a "mistaken goal" because the child mistakenly believes this behavior will help her feel belonging and significance. Turning again to Jane Nelsen's Positive Discipline, we learn: "When children have the mistaken belief (again, subconscious) that they belong only when they're the boss, their use of power looks like misbehavior. When children operate [from this belief], they are not learning to use their power in useful ways and need redirection to use their power in socially useful ways."
So how do we help children use their power in useful ways? First, back out of the power struggle. As the adults involved in this struggle, we need to be aware of (and take responsibility for) our own misbehavior. It could sound like this, "It looks like we're in a power struggle, and my guess is you're feeling overpowered. Let's take some time to cool off and come back when we can solve this in a way that's respectful to both of us".
Here are some suggestions for preventing the power struggle in the first place: - Redirect to positive power by asking for help. ("I could really use your help with the laundry. Could you sort the whites from the colors?")
- Encourage your child to help regularly in family work.
- Look for leadership opportunities at home, at school, and in the community.
- Ask them for input on meal/chore choices.
There are many other ideas on the Mistaken Goal Chart, and in this document, available as a download from my website.
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Birds + Bees the Positive Discipline Way: Preparing for conversations about sexuality, love, and relationships.
