Mistaken Goals: Breaking the Code
Part One--Undue Attention
Feeling annoyed or irritated by your child's behavior? Chances are, unless she is tired, hungry, ill, or simply acting typically for her age, she is seeking UNDUE ATTENTION. It's "undue" because it's done in an annoying way. Adler calls this a "mistaken goal" because the child mistakenly believes this behavior will help her feel belonging and significance, which, as Adler teaches, is the (usually unconscious) purpose of ALL our behavior. When your child's behavior annoys or irritates you, it can be helpful to remember that the belief behind the behavior is: "I count (belong) only when I'm being noticed or getting special service. I'm only important when I'm keeping you busy with me." As much attention as we give our children, it's oftentimes not enough. I like to compare their "attention banks" to their infant stomachs, which were walnut-sized. The bank only holds so much, and needs to be replenished frequently. With that in mind, if we can replenish often enough to prevent the "hunger", the annoying (mis)behaviors will decrease. Based on Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs' work, Jane Nelsen has created a fabulous tool called the Mistaken Goal Chart. Some ideas for pre-empting annoying attention-seeking behaviors are:- Spend "special time" with your child. Schedule it, make a big deal out of it, don't skip it. For example, "When Baby goes down for her nap, that is our Special Time. We'll spend XX minutes, just you and me"
- Redirect to a useful task. Young children love to help us. Leverage this by inviting your child to contribute: "Could you please take the folded clothes to my room?", or "I could really use your help in the kitchen--could you put the napkins on the table/stir the beans. . .", whatever is appropriate for your child's age.
There are many other ideas on the Mistaken Goal Chart, and in this document, both down-loadable from my website. Try a few of the suggestions and notice how the misbehavior decreases. I'd love to hear about your experiences using these tools. Send me a note here. For other thoughts on helping your child feel belonging and significance, see my recent blog post.
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