Part III: Reflections on Parenting Without Power Struggles by Susan Stiffelman
(part 3 of a 3-part review)
Who's In Charge?
Drawing from the works of child psychologist Gordon Neufeld
and author Byron Katie, as well as her decades of experience counseling
families, Stiffelman shares her model of "how to understand who (if
anyone) is in charge". The model is two fists: the right is
the parent, and the left is the child. When the right fist is above the
left, the parent is in charge (not in
control, an important distinction). When the fists are side by side, no one is in charge, and when the left hand is above the right, the child is in charge. What's going on in each case?
Parent In Charge: Remember "captain of the ship"? You're calm and confident in your ability to "navigate the ship through stormy seas." You can empathize with your children and because they feel you are on their side, they are more willing to listen and cooperate.
No One In Charge: Here is where power struggles take place, with "each side debating the merits of their position, and the one most committed--or least exhausted--prevails."
Child In Charge: You feel "powerless and resort to bribes, threats, or overpowering" (punishment) in an effort to regain control. And that's what control is: "an attempt to compensate for feeling powerless".
Some of Stiffelman's advice for parents remaining in charge:
- Let go of the drama and threats that simply emphasize how out of control you've become.
- Come alongside your child, rather than at him, so he feels you are his ally and advocate.
- Love your child in the way he most needs it: by being the calm, confident captain of the ship as your child navigates the ever-changing waters of growing up.
The more I look at this book, the more I learn. I have only given you a quick glimpse of Stiffelman's wisdom in this 3-part review. I do recommend reading the book. It would even be fun to get a group of friends together to read and discuss it. I'd be up for it!
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Age-Appropriate Chores 
Let's visit Jane Nelsen's Positive Discipline A-Z again. I love this book because it's organized alphabetically, and each topic follows the same format: Understanding Yourself, Your Child, and the Situation, Suggestions, Booster Thoughts, Planning Ahead to Prevent Future Problems, Life Skills Children Can Learn, and Parenting Pointers. Here are some of Jane's ideas:
- Get the kids involved in brainstorming a list of jobs that need to be done to help the family.
- Create a chore time when everyone works together rather than handing out a list of chores for kids to do.
- Notice the contribution instead of the quality of work done.
- Make sure the jobs are appropriate for the age. Here is a very short list, by age:
2-3 year-olds:
- pick up toys and put in proper place
- clear their own place at the table
4-year-olds:
- set the table
- help fill the dishwasher
5-year-olds:
- help with meal planning
- pour their own drinks
6-8 year-olds
- prepare their school lunches
- take a pet for a walk
9-10year-olds
- wash the family car
- operate the washer and dryer
11-12 year-olds
Remember that we all desire a sense of belonging and significance. Contributing to the family by doing chores is one way for your children to achieve that sense.
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Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way
 Have
you ever thought about teaching Positive Discipline? By completing a 2-day (plus 1.5 hours) workshop September 30, October 1& 2, you will be
certified to do just that. For more information, click here. |
