Part II: Reflections on Parenting Without Power Struggles by Susan Stiffelman
(part 2 of a 3-part review)
Attachment
This was a powerful book for me. I really hope you get the chance to read it. Stiffelman writes about the significance of attachment: "Attachment
makes parenting easy. It awakens a child's natural desire to follow our
lead, please us, and be receptive to our guidance." She continues, "Attachment is the most primal need of the child, surpassing even hunger in its importance." She goes on to share the six stages of attachment, described by child psychologist Gordon
Neufeld, as the "foundation for virtually every relationship your child will ever have. . ." The six stages are:
- Proximity
- Sameness
- Belonging/Loyalty
- Significance
- Love
- Being Known
It is possible to build and strengthen our children's attachment to us throughout their lives. And the deeper the connection, the more your children feel you are on their side, the more likely they will turn to you for guidance in times of struggle and doubt. "When parents deeply nourish the roots of attachment through all six stages, they give their children the stability they need to . . . withstand the stressors that are an inevitable part of growing up".
Click here for some ideas for strengthening your relationship with your child using the six stages of attachment.
Next month I'll conclude my reflections on this remarkable book. However, the ideas and suggestions in it are so relevant and compatible with what Positive Discipline teaches, I'm sure I'll be quoting from it for months to come!
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Allowances--Some Suggestions 
Giving your child an allowance is a great way to build a sense of capability, and to strengthen feelings of belonging and significance. In addition, an allowance "provides an opportunity to learn many valuable lessons about money". How much you give is a matter of your family's budget and what you expect the child to purchase with his own money. One family I know expects their son to buy the gifts for birthday parties he attends. (I love this idea!) We have stopped buying toys for Ben, so if he wants a new toy, he pays for it himself. If you are starting to think about allowances, or would like to change the way allowances are handled in your home, here are some ideas from Jane Nelsen's book, Positive Discipline, A-Z.
- Chores should not be connected to an allowance.
- Do not rescue your children when they run out of money.
- Be empathetic without trying to fix things. You might say, "I'm sure you feel disappointed that you don't have enough money left to go to the game."
- Offer your services as a budgeting consultant, but do not give advice unless asked.
This is how we do it in our house: We give Ben $5 per week. It is not tied to chores; he receives this money because he is a contributing member of our family. $1 goes to savings and the rest is his to spend or save, with no questions or input from me (unless he asks; usually he doesn't). If he is saving for something special, he can earn extra $$ by doing tasks above and beyond his normal chores. These jobs include things like washing my car, polishing silver (what little I have!), or pulling weeds. I still buy gifts for the parties he attends, but when we are out shopping somewhere, I don't buy the things that catch his eye; he has to use his own money for this "impulse spending". I stopped advancing him money when I consistently forgot to collect from him. He now has a wallet and is becoming pretty good at remembering to take it with him. We are going to the De Anza Flea Market this weekend, and I have no doubt that wallet will be stuffed in his pocket.
More next month on chores--age-appropriate, and unpaid!
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