Reflections on Parenting Without Power Struggles by Susan Stiffelman
Captain of the Ship
"Captain of the ship" is how Susan Stiffelman describes the parent's role in a child's life. Parents as "captain of the ship" means we're in charge (not in control, an important distinction), steady and calm, so our children "can relax, knowing they can rely on us to get them through the challenging moments of their lives." I love the analogy, but it only goes so far for me because, in reality, I expect the captain of a ship to be an expert, to make consistently good decisions and never make mistakes. As a parent, I know that's an impossible task for me. I'm learning and growing every day, getting up each morning grateful for the "clean slate" my child gives me to start anew, to make good my intent and commitment to do my very best.
Yet "captain of the ship" still appeals to me because it gives me a clear mental picture of someone who knows what to do when things get tough, who remains calm during stormy times, someone who can be depended on. And I want to be that person for my child. I'll be ready to make amends, though, when I fall short; when I am tired, hungry, or ill, or even cranky for no darn good reason.
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Beginning the Almost-Perfect Summer Vacation
(adapted from an activity by Suzanne Smitha, CPDLT)
The activity starts with this question, "What things could we do to make this summer the best summer we could ever have?" We brainstorm answers, like "have fun", "be kind to each other", "listen to each other" --you get the idea. We narrow it down to about 5 main ideas, or beliefs, and then describe what we would do and say if we were living out those beliefs. So it looks like this:
We believe we should be kind and respectful to each other.
We Do This:
Listen when the other is talking.
Use a nice tone of voice.
Ask permission.
We Say This:
May I?
Good morning!
Please and Thank You.
Guideline: We will be kind and respectful to each other because it makes it more fun to be together.
We put this all into a one-pager that Ben illustrates, and we post it in the dining room.
I notice and appreciate when the guidelines are followed, and when mistakes are made, ask "Are you following the guidelines we agreed to about our summer vacation?".
I'm sure you've noticed: these beliefs and guidelines aren't just for summer vacation; they are the framework for "this is how we do it" in our family. Because summer brings a different pace and sense of being, I've found it helpful to re-visit these values in the context of the longer, relaxed days. And it's a wonderful segue to "What kinds of things do you want to do this summer?" So far we've got day camp for a week, a trip to Grandma's, family camping, and trips to the library. It's going to be a great summer!
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