Punishment: Beware of What Works
Most of us experienced at least some form of punishment growing up. Reflect back to one of those times, and ask yourself, "What did I learn from the punishment?" Did you learn how to do it without getting caught next time? Did you vow to get even or get revenge, do something even worse next time? Or did you retreat, deciding you must be a bad person who deserved to be punished? These are often the long-term results of punishment, and for most of us, not the experience we want our children to have. So while punishments may seem to work, the long-range costs can be high. For more thoughts about why punishment isn't helpful in the long run, read Jane Nelsen's article, "I Was Punished".
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Focus On Solutions 
Focusing on solutions is a far more effective way to
address unwanted behavior because solutions are:
reasonable related respectful helpful
Let's say your child repeatedly leaves her flute at school instead of
bringing it home to practice. You could ground her for the day, or take away some privilege, but
does that teach her, help her remember the flute? How about if,
instead, together you brainstorm ways she can remember the flute?
Perhaps she can write herself a note, or put the flute into her backpack
right after band practice. In the latter case, you're working with (rather than doing to) her to problem-solve and take responsibility for herself. And in the long-term, isn't that what we want for our children?
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Rewards: What's the Harm?
Because many parents don't
like to punish, they use rewards instead. However, rewards, like
punishments, can have negative long-term effects. Rewards teach
children to look for
"what's in it for me?" rather than completing the task because it's
worth doing for its own sake. Often the reward that started out as an incentive loses its allure, and children "up the ante", wanting bigger
and better rewards. Ultimately, rewards
affect self-esteem, because they encourage pleasing others (other-directed) rather than pleasing themselves (self-directed). A friend told me, "Never reward from the outside what feels good on the
inside". That sounds like good advice to me!
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 June 18-20, 2010
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