DELANEY E-Newsletter

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto Ford Tough industry and stated, 'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating: If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to re-install the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.
PS - I 'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

'Vampire' Graves Discovered

Just when you thought vampires had become so 2008, a new discovery has renewed public mania over our favorite undead monster. Recently this year, Archaeologists excavating a monastery near the city of Sozopol, Bulgaria, discovered the 700-year-old remains of two males who had been stabbed through the heart with iron rods...an indication that their 14th century contemporaries believed them to be vampires. More than 100 such "vampire" graves have been discovered in Bulgaria recently, all of them containing male aristocrats or clerics whose bodies had been repeatedly stabbed or nailed into their coffins after death.

The findings have sparked intense interest among vampire-lovers in Europe, Asia and the United States and could transform Bulgaria into a "tourism gold mine," according to CNN. It's good news for those lovers of the undead who were so disappointed by the CDC's recent announcement that zombies do not, in fact exist. Vampires, as it turns out, just might.

The 22-Mile Fall

Whatever the leap means for mankind, it should definitely be one giant step for a man. Felix Baumgartner, a

professional daredevil, plans to step off a balloon-borne capsule 22 miles above Earth on Tuesday morning, October 16th,

and plummet for five and a half minutes until opening his parachute a mile above the New Mexico desert. If all goes as planned, he will do a series of barrel rolls in the near-vacuum of the stratosphere and then plunge headfirst at more than 700 miles per hour, becoming the first sky diver to break the sound barrier. Good luck Felix.

Halloween Spending

Halloween spending has been one of the few spending categories to quickly bounce back from the recession. And this year, the wild spending gets even scarier. According Hallowen Money to the National Retail Federation, a record 170 million Americans will spend close to $8 billion on candy, pumpkins, decorations and costumes - both for them and their pets.

Halloween has been one of the few annual events that we're willing to shell out plenty of bucks for. Last year we spent $300 million on pet costumes alone. This year it's projected to hit $370 million. Really?!