News from THE DELANEY CO.

WELL REPRESENTED?? - Representative Hank Johnson (D-Ga) has raised some eyebrows with a comment he made about the U.S. territory of Guam during a House Armed Services Committee hearing. In a discussion regarding a planned military buildup on the Pacific island, Johnson expressed some concerns about the plans to Adm. Robert Willard, head of the U.S. Pacific fleet.

"My fear is that the whole island will become so overly populated that it will tip over and capsize," Johnson said. Willard paused and replied, "We don't anticipate that." According to the Hill, a spokesman for Johnson responded to the incident by saying the congressman is concerned the influx of military personnel will overwhelm the island's infrastructure and ecosystem. Johnson later released the following statement - "The subtle humor of this obviously metaphorical reference to a ship capsizing illustrated my concern about the impact of the planned military buildup on this small tropical island."

While Johnson supporters claim the use of humor and metaphor, other viewers of this congressional session think that Congressman Johnson may have an education level just shy of the average first grader. Click here to view for yourself.

TECHNOLOGY - As a race, mankind has peered into the deepest parts of the cosmos, broken down the human genome and even dabbled in the emerging technology of edible underwear. And yet, somehow, solving the problem of how to keep a cup of coffee hot at your desk has eluded us. Until now. Introducing The Desktop Cup Warmer, a revolutionary new gadget that empowers your computer with heretofore unrealized coffee-warming capabilities, available now. This, quite simply, is a game changer. Starting tomorrow morning, when you arrive at the office toting your piping hot cup of joe, you'll want to plug this piece of equipment into your USB port, place your cauldron of java on what we're calling the Coffee Docking Station, and sit back as the The Desktop Cup Warmer uses electricity from your laptop (Macs and PCs welcome) to keep your brew at a steaming 133 degrees F. (As a reference point, 133 degrees F is just below "burn your tongue" strength beverage heat.) Of course, come the p.m., your needs change, and the genius of The Desktop Cup Warmer is that it's also a Desktop Cup Cooler. Which means tomorrow afternoon, you can place a can of cola-or, say, Pabst Blue Ribbon - on the docking station, and the machine will retain its ice-cold refreshingness at a chilly 59 degrees F. What this means for the future of the beer koozie, we're not quite sure.

TECH EMBARRASSMENT - Christopher Buttner, founder of

PRthatRocks in Northern California, had just finished a 2-hour speaking engagement in front of a large university crowd when he dashed off to the men's room for a long-awaited respite. With his wireless microphone still on. "I had to go so badly that when I made it to the urinal, I let out an incredibly loud moan of pleasure, augmented by the sound of streaming water-on-water," he writes. "The wireless lavalier mic I was wearing was still broadcasting live through the PA system in the lecture hall. My lecture, and subsequent moment of relief, was also being recorded." When he returned to the hall, Buttner received a standing ovation. And, apparently, immortality. "I think my moaning sound sample, and various water-on-water audio clips, are used in a sound library somewhere at a major digital recording institute in Northern California," he says.

DOLLARS AND SENSE - I got two $50 bills from the bank. Today, fifties are bills that are generally acceptable in exchange. Yet each time I give a shop a fifty, the cashier has to lift up the tray and place the bill in a separate location. There are trays for singles, fives, tens, and twenties only. Many people have argued for getting rid of the dollar bill. This would make a place for the fifty, would save substantial resources in printing money and would stop us from being the only rich country with a low-value basic paper currency. But we do need a dollar coin; and if we make one, there will be insufficient places in cash registers for pennies. So, get rid of pennies. Few rich countries have a coin so worthless, and no other coin costs more to manufacture than it is worth. The problem is America's strong penny lobby, apparently partly driven by the zinc industry. The solution is a simple politico-economic compromise: Make a dollar coin at least partly out of zinc! Abolish the dollar bill and the penny, keep the industry happy, and economize on resources. Should be easy to get this idea through Congress, right??

MLB OPENING DAY - From our vacation hideaway, my wife and I really enjoyed the opening-day game between the Yankees and the Red Sox. I particularly liked the great comeback by the home team. And I had to laugh out loud as announcer Joe Morgan (trying to defend the terrible throw toward home plate by Yankees outfielder Nick Swisher) explained to the TV audience,"The problem is that he didn't make a decisive decision."

Yogi Berra would be proud!